Talk

Advanced search

Husbands Insecurities, sexual demands, control & laid back attitude to work is driving me insane. Is it me or him ?

(183 Posts)
zara206y Thu 27-Aug-20 13:18:36

OK, i have thought long and hard about writing a post as i have struggled with this since our honeymoon 2 years ago. I will try keep it to the point. I am 50 and perimenopause for around 6mths, hypothyroid too. I work 40 hrs a week ,and earn £25k, with one 19 year old.
He was married before, 3 kids that he no longer sees, she had an affair and told him she was pregnant and it was his - he had had snip so could not have been his - this she knew but then said she made mistake. They had an abortion which he paid for, as soon as it was done she booted him out. Not seen kids since she poisioned them. He tried to see them but nope.
So we meet on a blind date, get married 3 yrs down the line and on the honeymoon we were on a cruise and met two 65 year old men at the bar. We both chatted to them and I made the mistake of putting my hand on one shoulder and telling this guy how nice he smelt. They were buddies and enjoying life. One of them told me I was a lovely attractive lady and my hubby was very lucky. It all seemed very innocent as i told them we were on our honeymoon. With that hubby took hold of my hand and marched me back to the room. We had never argued until this night. The argument lasted until it got light. He was very nasty and asked me had i taken their contact details so i could meet them secretly for sex whilst he was asleep. I couldnt believe what i was hearing. Talked it out and now we are past it. or at least i had hoped.
Since that event my hubby doesnt seem to trust me at all, he is VERY insecure, he always is asking me to kiss him, to touch him, basically that i should be all over him 24/7. He will constantly want reassurance from me. I we walk past each other in the home, he wants a kiss even if he just had one two minutes ago! He will count how many days we have missed sex and i get reminded. He has said what about his needs on many occasions and so i have told him to get on and have a go - he does! Makes me repulsed. I cannot stand his emotional blackmail for sex. I lost it with him and told him that i have had enough and he has to stop nagging me and making me feel guilty, i have many womens problems at the moment and that he should understand. He said its all in my head and that the hormones are just a scapegoat, he will say "oh yes sorry forgot its your hormones again i suppose". He did back off me for a while but will say that he is not going to come onto me anymore and that i have to approach him. Thing is i just dont want too at the moment cause i am having some issues down below. He thinks i am lying, i have even shown him that i am bleeding to prove that we cant have sex.
Aside from him being needy, he works a zero hrs contract at the same company for 9 years. They call him as and when. I never knew how much he earnt until a few months ago when he told me that he hasnt even paid tax this year as he hasnt earnt enough. In fact he laughed telling me that he earned £12k last year. I am stunned! He has always told me that he was on at least £30. I found some old P60's which tell me its more like £12-16k. He will relish the days that he lays in bed waving me off to work. I told him that i am so tired and with my health issues that i want to reduce my hours but he keeps telling me no. He said " why should he work full time so i dont have too?" I said that he has never worked full time in all the years (8) we have been together. I come home from work and he will be on the sofa or will make out that he has had a busy day, no dinner will be made only on the odd occasion. The other day i heard him say to a mate of his "oh its fine as my wife has a good well paid job she can afford it". He will keep telling me things to do to make more money. I trained and opened a home salon and will have clients most evenings (before covid) and so i worked loads. Now i have stopped this and he keeps nagging to open.
He is jealous of my 19 year old, who has just managed to get a job at my place on £19k a year. Hubby had a go at me and said that it should have been him not my son. He hates it if i go on days out with my son and says oh so you dont want to spend anytime with me then?
I am at my witts end. In march i told him that he had to do something else as i wanted a better quality of life for us ,not always counting MY money. He moved into my house within a few months. He gives me £550 a month to go towards the bills and mortgage. Never asks me if we are ok for money, never asks if the bills are managable, doesnt even see a bill! He knows that i have very wealthy parents too.
What shall i do? I love and care for him but its constantly in my mind all of the above. I resent the fact that he has said for a year he will find another job and is currently training to be an electrician (as i pushed him to get a career) but now he is dragging that saying that he wont be able to do exams and qualify until after xmas (bullshit) as the exams were released in July.
What are your thoughts?

OP’s posts: |
Dozycuntlaters Thu 27-Aug-20 13:22:45

He sounds absolutely awful, there is nothing nice about him from what you've posted. Making you have sex, you telling him to just get on? wtf that is crazy. He is a jealous and controlling abuser and from you saying you have wealthy parents rings alarm bells....is he waiting for his pay day?

Seriously, get rid, and I can't imagine anyone else will tell you any different. Just hideous.

Bluntness100 Thu 27-Aug-20 13:27:04

Jesus you tell him “to get on and have a go”. Wtaf.

Look he’s not going to change, so either stay with him and put up with it or end it.

rowrowrowyaboat Thu 27-Aug-20 13:27:32

Well, hes a cocklodging abusive delight isnt he? What shouldy you do? Well, boot him out....obviously.

GreenestValley Thu 27-Aug-20 13:28:12

Woaaaah where to begin....

He will count how many days we have missed sex
hmm Sex isn't like mealtimes that can be 'missed'...

He has said what about his needs on many occasions and so i have told him to get on and have a go - he does! Makes me repulsed.
This isn't consensual...

He is jealous of my 19 year old, who has just managed to get a job at my place on £19k a year. Hubby had a go at me and said that it should have been him not my son
This part is just tragic.

You need to get rid of him immediately, it and he sounds totally toxic. Clearly he has behaved terribly to his ex wife and children which is probably why they no longer speak to him - even in messy divorces that usually happens for a reason.

Tlollj Thu 27-Aug-20 13:28:17

I do t know why you ‘love and care for him’ as he quite clearly doesn’t feel the same about you.
If it was me I’d split up and you’ll be better in your own.

GreenestValley Thu 27-Aug-20 13:29:03

I love and care for him
WHY?!

category12 Thu 27-Aug-20 13:31:25

He's a horrible horrible abusive man. He waited until you were married and then took the first excuse to start bullying you.

I got to the jealous of your son bit and really that's more than enough. You should leave him.

newnameforthis123 Thu 27-Aug-20 13:33:58

category12

He's a horrible horrible abusive man. He waited until you were married and then took the first excuse to start bullying you.

I got to the jealous of your son bit and really that's more than enough. You should leave him.


This. It's such an incredibly unhealthy, toxic relationship in which you're being continually emotionally abused and sexually coerced. You can be financially and emotionally independent away from this vile man. Don't you want that?

Hailtomyteeth Thu 27-Aug-20 13:36:47

Get rid. Get a solicitor right away. Try to protect anything you can of your assets.

Craftycorvid Thu 27-Aug-20 13:37:55

No redeeming features here. Cocklodging and abusive into the bargain. You deserve much much better, OP.

CodenameVillanelle Thu 27-Aug-20 13:39:47

There are so many things wrong about this marriage. Please cut your losses and get out!

SoulofanAggron Thu 27-Aug-20 13:43:04

Sexual coercion is an immediate bin for me. And making you show him that you were bleeding!! That's really intrusive. sad

He sounds awful. I think he's potentially dangerous due to his jealously and control, and how that can escalate.

There might be more to him not seeing his kids, too, although how he's treating you is more than enough.

Please separate from him.

Suzi888 Thu 27-Aug-20 13:43:07

Oh my days!
Why on Earth did you marry him confused
I’d pack and leave and look for someone who genuinely loves you.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?!

Requinblanc Thu 27-Aug-20 13:52:41

Why do women stay with such awful partners and somehow always blame themselves to a degree for their behaviour?

Get rid of this loser. No over way to put it...

Mintjulia Thu 27-Aug-20 13:55:10

For goodness sake, get rid of him while you still can. He's an abusive cocklodging creep. Disrespectful and lazy too.

He almost certainly has never bothered with a pension and fully intends to live off you for the rest of his life. Has he even paid enough national insurance to qualify for state pension? Have you checked?
Or does he see you as a lifelong meal ticket?

You deserve much better.

TOFO1965 Thu 27-Aug-20 13:55:48

It's impossible when reading this to understand what you're getting out of it. Would you consider speaking to a counsellor? This all sounds like a big heap of wrong and you need to think about why you're in it. The sex caper is utterly dysfunctional. There's a better life out there for you, go get it whilst it's still a short marriage that won't cost you half your assets. Your son must be quietly despairing for you. Good luck. You're worth so much more.

Lillygolightly Thu 27-Aug-20 13:55:50

There is no point to him OP,

Honestly the fact that he jealous of your son who has stepped up and down well and gotten himself a job, and 19K is not to shabby at all at age 19. Does your husband not see that he could easily do this too, I mean if a 19 year old can do it so can he. That being said your husband is far to busy enjoying all his free time sat on the sofa taking the piss out of you, to have the time to go get himself a better paying job with regular hours. He can not have it both ways, which I’m sure he is well aware of.

If the above wasn’t bed enough, he is emotionally and sexually abusive. Lacking in any sort of compassion for the health struggles your having, and in fact uses that as another stick to best you with!!!

I honestly don’t know why you would love and care for him at all. He is nothing but a thorn in your side in almost every aspect.

What would I do, reduce my hours at work because that’s what I want to do, have lovely days out with my son and tell the lazy cocklodger of a husband to fuck off and file for a divorce.

The kind of problems you have with him are not solvable, he is abusive and he needs to go!

Aquamarine1029 Thu 27-Aug-20 13:57:57

You love this irredeemable, insufferable piece of shit? Really?

Give your head a massive wobble and get rid of him before he completely ruins your life.

Roussette Thu 27-Aug-20 13:58:38

He sounds revolting. I couldn't be with anyone like him for even 5 minutes.

Get out whilst you still have an ounce of sanity left. I bet your son would love it if you left him too

cherrybakewellll Thu 27-Aug-20 14:00:12

You haven't said one single positive about him. LTB.

picosdeeuropa Thu 27-Aug-20 14:07:09

He has 3 DC who wont see him but it is his wife that has 'poisoned' them against him. Yeah right...take it he didnt bother going down any legal route to see his DC either. I feel for your DS, you have brought an abusive man into his home, and a cocklodging one at that...do yourself a favour and get legal advice to ensure what you have will be protected when you chuck him out

Strugglingtodomybest Thu 27-Aug-20 14:09:40

Is this for real? What.a.twat.

yetmorecrap Thu 27-Aug-20 14:13:06

He is a loser op and clearly intended on using you for sex on tap and income. You sound a hard working lovely lady— Bin him!

zara206y Thu 27-Aug-20 14:17:27

Gosh, i have read the posts to my issue and it is all in my mind what you have all said about him. I can see him rubbing his hands together. I said to him yesterday that it would be nice if he took me away for a couple of days next week as i have a week off, his reply was "why dont YOU take me for a couple of days?". I was shocked. Then last night he said something regarding not having sex again for about a month and then said "oh yes i forgot its your hormones or whatever excuse you have".
We used to be very close, we had loads of fun together every day we would laugh and we were madly in love in the begining but just seems that as soon as we got married and the possession hit, and his ownership is crushing me. I cannot go anywhere without telling him, if i go to the shop on the way home, i am meant to tell him, he said its just being polite. Everytime he says something sarcastic to me I grit my teeth, he says only joking. Not to mention how he trys to control how much i eat too! I have gained a stone since being hormonal, and he will take food off me - eg if i make a bit of toast at 9pm he will grab it and say i dont need it. If we do ever go out - we share puddings, as he says "think of all those calories he is saving me". The more i write this the more i am wondering what he does for me.

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in