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ttc for a year - now he says I'm an abuser

(350 Posts)
SnowWhite1985 Thu 27-Aug-20 02:24:38

My partner and I have been together almost 6 years. We're both 35 (I'm almost 36). About a year and a half ago we took some time away from our relationship (temporarily) because I wanted kids and he didn't (at least for the foreseeable future). Prior to that he'd said he'd be ready in a year, and then the next year said can we wait another year etc. After getting fed up of this, I told him that he needed to tell me straight what he wanted because I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice having kids to be with him if he didn't want kids. When we were apart (it lasted a couple of months), he spent a lot of time with one of my close female friends, who has a young daughter. He hadn't wanted to split/take time apart, and after spending time with my friend he sent me all these messages begging me to get back together. He said he wanted kids with me so badly and that spending time with this woman and her daughter had made him realise how much he wants to be a dad. He said he was just scared about being a good dad and he wanted us to be in the best position we could be to be parents. At the time the only two friends I told about this thought it was manipulative, as he did a 360 going from "I'm absolutely not ready to have kids right now" to "it's my dream to have kids and please don't take that away from me it's all I want and I want it with you". He said to me that I had taken away his dreams and that his dream was to have kids with me. So we reconciled.

We started ttc almost immediately after that. I started doing all sorts of tests, researching etc to give us the best chance. I have low AMH but all my other tests came back normal. He was reluctant to get tests. He was supposed to be getting sperm tests but put it off and hasn't done it yet. He didn't give me any emotional support or take any interest in my tests etc but I didn't think that was a massive red flag - it just felt a bit lonely so I turned to the wonderful ttc boards on here for support.

Anyway, this month we missed the first two days of my fertile window. My partner - as soon as he knew it was my fertile window - said he was struggling to cope and had to focus on work. He barely talked to me for a couple of days. I asked him if we could try to conceive at least once this cycle and he got upset with me saying he had to prioritise work. After I asked him again what was up and if something bad had happened at work, he said he doesn't want kids right now and that he has to focus on work and can't cope with the pressure of doing "both". I asked what he meant by "doing both" and he said his work and a relationship. He said he never wanted to ttc, but that he thought it was the only way we'd stay together because being "just us" would never be enough for me. He said he wants kids in the (distant) future but not anytime soon because the timing isn't right. He said he can't even focus on our relationship right now never mind kids because he has to focus on work.

Earlier tonight we had a big argument. I was feeling particularly emotional because it's close to my ovulation and it felt like such a missed opportunity. I feel like I'm losing time to ever have kids. And he was barely talking to me which felt like some sort of punishment. In any event, I started off really quite calm, but then I got incredibly upset because he wouldn't look at me and he wouldn't say what he wants or how he feels or where we stand. So I just got more and more frustrated. He ended up not saying very much and I just got upset and talked about my feelings a lot. I did give him plenty of time to talk but then it was just incredibly long, awkward silences. What he did say was that he feels that this relationship was a means to an end for me and that I'm only with him because I want kids. I said isn't it normal to want a family with the person you love and who you're in a long-term committed relationship with? But he said it hurts him that he'll never be enough for me and that I prioritise having kids above our relationship. He said I've made it a condition on us being together and he can't deal with that.

As it became clear to me that he doesn't actually want kids, I said that what he said to me a year ago now felt misleading, and that I felt like he's been stringing me along when it wasn't really what he wanted. He says he meant it at the time but that his feelings fluctuate from day to day. He said sometimes he feels fine with ttc in theory and other times he doesn't and he said in practice it makes him feel physically sick because I'm ready for it and he's not. He wouldn't say when he'd be ready, if ever. I then asked him to describe his ideal life scenario over the next 5-10 years if there were no rush or fertility issues. How he wanted life to be. He then proceeded to describe where he would live, work, success in professional life etc and didn't even mention me or kids.

Anyway, we then took a bit of a time out as he said he didn't know how he felt about me or about having kids with me and that he needed time to think. I just got more and more upset with the silence and the lack of answers. So I went to the kitchen to do the dishes and ended up breaking down sobbing then I threw a glass at the wall. He was upstairs at the time so nowhere nearby. He then told me to leave as he couldn't stand to look at me but I proceeded to clean up the glass. Once I finished cleaning it he said I'm an abusive and violent partner. He asked me again to leave and said he couldn't even look at me right now. So I left. I'm staying in a hotel last night. We live together but I bought the house we stay in - so technically if anyone should leave it should be him. But I also felt really ashamed.

I still have no answers and I haven't heard from him since. He says he definitely wants to be with me but he'd rather it be "just us" for the foreseeable future (or forever because by then it would be too late for me to have kids anyway, which he acknowledges). I suppose he is right to say that I've made our relationship conditional on us having kids. But I don't think it's fair for him to ask or expect me to give up ever having kids just because he doesn't want them right now. He also pointed out that time isn't an issue for him as he can likely have kids into his 50s - so this is an issue for me not him.

In summary, it's all a big fat horrible mess. The conversation, which lasted for hours, was really distressing for me. But I don't feel like he's listened to, or will even acknowledge, anything I've said now - because I threw the glass and I'm now the abuser. I just can't see how we could go from actively ttc a few days ago to this now.

At the same time I feel like I already knew all of this deep down and none of it was a surprise to me. He already showed all of this before he begged me for us to reconcile last time. His actions throughout the ttc also showed me that but I chose to believe his earlier words, which didn't match his actions.

I don't think I do want to be with him if he doesn't want kids with me. I've always thought of relationships as a (potential) family, rather than just being about two people. He seems to think I have to put him first before everything and not want anything myself. I made it clear from when we first met that having a big family was really important to me.

It all feels horrible because now he's acting like I was using him to have kids because that's all that's on my one track mind and it was some sort of plan of mine from the start to use him as a means to an end. He actually said that the relationship was just a means to an end for me and that all I wanted was kids. And he's saying I'm abusive and violent so as to avoid acknowledging any responsibility for his own action. It's like me throwing the glass cancels out everything I've been through for the last few years. Before I threw the glass he acknowledged he'd never been there for me emotionally but said he just didn't have the bandwidth for a relationship most of the time as he can only concentrate and expend energy on one thing (work).

I've found it all incredibly unsettling - I'm starting to feel like I was responsible for this entire argument when in fact he initiated it by completely changing his mind about ttc. I feel so guilty for smashing the glass. He wouldn't look at me afterwards and told me not to come near him or even think about touching him. I felt horrible.

I know we won't talk for a few days at least, possibly weeks, because that's the way he is whenever we have a disagreement. When anything is difficult emotionally he retreats and I'm left wondering where I stand for ages.

But I think the relationship is over. I'm finding it difficult to separate my feelings regarding the relationship from the grief I feel about not becoming a mother anytime in the near future, or perhaps ever at all. It feels like more lost years and that time really is running out for me to ever have children. He's been incredibly distant recently but I just put up with it and tried to focus on other things because I was grateful we were finally ttc. I feel like he's taken that last bit of hope away from me. And so I threw a glass.

OP’s posts: |
RyanBergarasTeeth Thu 27-Aug-20 02:33:53

Oh op i think you know this relationship is over. Theres no coming back from this and you absolutely should not put your desire for a baby off forever for him.
In a way i know how you feel. I have been trying to get my dp to ttc for a year now and he said he wanted a baby and we could try but then everytime i ovulate he refused ro come near me and our sex life died completely. Last week we had a huge argument about it and he basically said i was manipulative and a bitch and was pressuring him and he didnt want to be near me. Ive been upset since but am working through it as unlike your partnwr mine already has dc from a previous relationship and said one day he wants more so i live in hope. But yours will steing you along until your fertile days are over and i wouldnt be suprised if he then left and saught someone else to have a child later in life with. Its always the way with these men.

RyanBergarasTeeth Thu 27-Aug-20 02:35:31

Also fuck the glass you went into the kitchen and threw a glass at the wall. Its not ideal but its not abusive you didnt throw it at him ffs. Have you considered becoming a mother on your own? It might be your best option.

Anordinarymum Thu 27-Aug-20 02:39:06

Yes it's well and truly over and this is not the person for you to be having children with anyway.

On the other hand it does read as if you are obsessive about getting pregnant and he probably feels like you are driving him nuts.

You both need to move on I think

piscean10 Thu 27-Aug-20 02:41:06

Goodness op this relationship is long gone dead. You need to see the red flags waving brightly right in front of you. He is screaming out that he does not want kids. You really need to accept this and let go of the relationship. You both want different fundamental things. You are wasting precious years of your life here. Besides this, you are both bringing out the worst in each other. It's hard to accept, but you dont seem to be right for each other.

SelkieQualia Thu 27-Aug-20 02:50:51

Honestly, in your position, I would leave him now and go have donor insemination. Having a baby on your own is hard, but it's way easier than having one with a man who doesn't want one.

SnowWhite1985 Thu 27-Aug-20 02:53:33

Thanks for the replies @RyanBergarasTeeth @Anordinarymum @piscean10
Yeah I said to him we seem to bring out the worst in each other. Then he said he absolutely wants to be with me, but that he has to focus on work right now.
I did see the red flags last time - and I actually felt quite happy on our break from each other as I felt more in control of my life. Some of our friends commented that they'd never seen me happier. I was ready to move on then, but then he begged me to get back together saying he wanted kids more than anything. My friend who he was spending time with also convinced me that I'd misjudged things. I guess I should have gone with my gut..
I think I have become quite obsessive over getting pregnant, so that's a fair criticism. I want it so badly. I had a cancer scare a couple of years ago and it really focused my mind on what was important to me. But I also see how he could feel that's unfair pressure etc. I've tried not to exert pressure and have largely hidden the testing etc from him. I did it all mostly on my own as he wasn't interested anyway.
But yeah - think you're right - this is over. I always did worry how he would be with kids, as he doesn't have time for me. He's not good at coping with more than one thing, apparently he's always been like that.

OP’s posts: |
rvby Thu 27-Aug-20 02:55:58

Love, ignore the glass smash. He wants out from the deal you have, and he's probably delighted you smashed the glass because he knows he can twist the story to.make himself look like a good guy to others in future.

The relationship is dead. Don't waste another second on wondering what he thinks, who's to blame etc. Doesn't matter. It's over and he needs to get out of your house.

SnowWhite1985 Thu 27-Aug-20 02:56:44

Oh I also meant to say I would definitely consider having a baby on my own @SelkieQualia @RyanBergarasTeeth. It's not an ideal scenario, obviously, but I think I'm in as good a position as I can be to do it. Last time we broke up, I said to my partner that I wanted to have a baby on my own if we weren't together. He said that any woman who has a baby on their own is selfish as that's putting herself before the child. I think a single woman can give a baby a loving home though, and I have amazing parents and close friends so I think I'd have a good support network. I haven't told them about this mainly because they want me to have kids so badly too, and I didn't want to double the disappointment.

OP’s posts: |
SnowWhite1985 Thu 27-Aug-20 02:58:36

Thanks @rvby - this is the thing though. He REALLY doesn't want out of the relationship. Whenever we've fought in the past he's acted (and even said on a couple of occasions) that his life isn't worth living without me. I know that's super unhealthy but I don't think he wants to break up. He doesn't show that day to day though - he massively takes me for granted.

OP’s posts: |
rorosemary Thu 27-Aug-20 02:59:20

It's so over. He is now just wasting your fertile years. Kick him out in the morning, never take him back again, have a lirtle time out to get over things and do it alone. You'll be fine.

rorosemary Thu 27-Aug-20 03:00:33

this is the thing though. He REALLY doesn't want out of the relationship.

Tough the . He knew what your deal breaker was. His choice to not ttc and lose you.

RyanBergarasTeeth Thu 27-Aug-20 03:01:05

Absolutely consider a donor. Not selfish at all. He is the selfish twat for stringing you along its all about what he wants and at his age work is not a reasonable excuse to put off a family if he really wanted kids. He has said the single mother thing is selfish as manipulation so you wont leave and do it. But he cant stop you. Please dont waste your fertile years on him and come out the end of it with no child to please him.

RyanBergarasTeeth Thu 27-Aug-20 03:02:33

Ofc he doesnt want to break up. You have provided him a house and love and are currently doing what he wants in shagging him without having a baby why would he want to give it up. He thinks he can bide his time until your too old and then say oh well it wasnt meant to be.

rvby Thu 27-Aug-20 03:03:42

It doesn't matter what he wants though love. He's betrayed you absolutely brutally here and if you let this carry on you are not going to have a chance to have a family.

Its over for YOU. HE doesn't matter. He isnt your friend.

ALLIS0N Thu 27-Aug-20 03:10:18


It's so over. He is now just wasting your fertile years. Kick him out in the morning, never take him back again, have a lirtle time out to get over things and do it alone. You'll be fine.

This. And in fact what everyone else has said.

Tell him it’s over and you want Him out your house.

Don’t waste any more of your life apportioning blame - you and he want different things, you are not compatible. End of.

Go for counselling for you.

Work hard on your career, you will need money to bring up a child alone.

Have a baby alone by donor Insemination.

Good luck.

SnowWhite1985 Thu 27-Aug-20 03:11:35

Yeah I guess I just have to put what I want first for a change. I’ve made massive compromises and delayed things much longer than I felt comfortable with because he said he just needed a bit more time. I’ll definitely consider having a child on my own. I looked into it a bit before and it all felt very impersonal. But such is life I suppose.

OP’s posts: |
ALLIS0N Thu 27-Aug-20 03:13:22

Of course it’s impersonal ! It’s a medical procedure - what do you expect - moonlight and roses ?

Don’t be daft - do you want a child or not ?

Californiastreaming Thu 27-Aug-20 03:13:48

He has wasted too much of your time and he is the manipulative abusive one. Kick him out of YOUR house and end it for good.

Anordinarymum Thu 27-Aug-20 03:14:06

He should have been honest from the start. I wonder what would have happened if he told you he never wanted children

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Thu 27-Aug-20 03:14:20

@RyanBergarasTeeth - sorry if your partner is calling you a manipulative bitch because you want to ttc you're in the same position as op. Run away.

Op you smashed a glass in frustration, so what?? Are you sure he wants you or your living arrangement? Get him out and move on. Have a baby on your own. You're not selfish, it's a natural thing to want a baby. You shouldn't be held to ransom and time might run out. Even at 50 he could decide to have kids with someone else and be successful. Please don't waste another moment on this liar, get him out and have your baby. Get your house back

ThatsNotMyMeerkat Thu 27-Aug-20 03:19:53

Do not waste another day of your fertility on this man. How dare he beg you for another chance by dangling children like a carrot and now, 12 months later, be taking that away from you?
He doesn't want children. You do. These two things are irreconcilable, whether he wants to stay in the relationship or not.
Also consider whether you would even want children with this man if you had to drag him to that point? Even if you go back and he says 'actually, I'm completely ready, lets do this', you will never know. And I'd bet my house he will throw it back at you in the future ('Well, you wanted the children, you do all the work').
Also - its YOUR house. That YOU bought. If he couldn't stand to look at you then he should have left. Because it's YOUR HOUSE.
Go home and kick his sorry arse out and tell him if he's so upset with you throwing a glass out of frustration, no where near him, because he's been fucking you around for 12 months, that's ok, because he will be packing a bag and leaving the house you paid for, today.

SnowWhite1985 Thu 27-Aug-20 03:20:19

Yeah I should just go ahead and do it alone. Thanks. I guess I knew this already but it’s helpful to hear it from others too. I thought before about asking a friend (I have a couple of gay friends who have offered their services in the past as they want to be dads) but it’s probably best to keep things simple and go for the impersonal option. Don’t want any custody battles or other complications...

OP’s posts: |
Chocaholic9 Thu 27-Aug-20 03:22:17

I agree. Leave him and have your baby with someone else or on your own. He's wasting your time and you need to end this.

Mintjulia Thu 27-Aug-20 03:23:08

Op, get rid of this selfish freeloader. He has spun you a yarn for long enough. He wants to keep the convenient setup, the house and sex but not commit or give you anything you want.

As for smashing a glass, so what? It was your glass in your house and you didn't throw it at him. Tell him to leave.

Plan your motherhood on your own. You'll love it. Good luck brew

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