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Diagnosed with cancer and find out dh is cheating all in one week

(140 Posts)
Babyalmie1 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:27:09

One week ago I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. I am waiting for confirmation of my pathway. My dh of 20 years acted very oddly when told - almost angrily - but I thought it was shock. Yesterday he casually started taking about going on his next business trip (for several weeks) as though nothing was happening. Today I checked his phone and there was a stream of messages between him and a woman overseas where he works including since my diagnosis. They were talking about how much they loved each other and discussing a 3 Hour conversation they had had last night. I haven’t confronted him yet. I dk what to do. We have 2 dh and I have to fight the hardest battle of my life and now no one has my back. I literally dk how to cope.

OP’s posts: |
Nuffaluff Tue 25-Aug-20 19:28:46

That’s awful, just awful. I’m so sorry for you.
What a shit your husband is.

bloodywhitecat Tue 25-Aug-20 19:30:00

There are no words to describe your husband, how old are your children? I think I'd have his bags packed and waiting for him.

Babyalmie1 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:33:33

Thanks. Annoyingly we are on holiday overseas. I am sat starting out over a mountain. This should be where I gather my strength for the fight ahead. Now I just wonder how I ended up here.

OP’s posts: |
Welshgal85 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:33:38

I’m so sorry this is all happening. Do you have any family or friends nearby that you can speak to? I’d kick him out and get support from your loved ones. Do what feels right for you, put yourself and your well-being first

Babyalmie1 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:34:11

*staring

OP’s posts: |
blisstwins Tue 25-Aug-20 19:35:42

I am so sorry this happened. I can only imagine the shock and feeling this has caused. I know I went through shock when my ex-husband did similar and I was not sick. Your focus now is on you. Do you have friends and family? I have been amazed over the last few years by how compassionate friends can be and not always the friends you thought would the ones to help and understand most. Use support boards like this and read chump lady. Medical treatments have come a long way. Just remember you are stronger than you think and your life will be better when you do not have someone who lies and is willing to hurt you in it. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself and your emotions. There is a lot on your plate. Wishing your strength and good health.

Babyalmie1 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:35:49

Dds are teens. One sits her GCSEs this school year.

OP’s posts: |
JacktomyDaniel Tue 25-Aug-20 19:42:36

I'm so sorry. I don't have any practical advice other than I hope you have amazing friends and family who will get you through. Because he's cheating I'm afraid I'd play the situation to my advantage. Tell people you have cancer, hold your head high and tell them you are ready to fight this. Give it a few days or a week, confront him and then let the world know your dick of a husband is planning to leave his cancer stricken wife.

I clearly don't cope well with betrayal! I couldn't do it any other way.

Rupertpenrysmistress Tue 25-Aug-20 19:43:22

Oh baby I am so sorry to hear, how awful, what does your DH currently say about your diagnosis? Does he say he will support you? What a horrible person he is.

Will you wait until you are home to speak to him? It's probably best to assume he will not support you, I guess you need look to family and friends. Have you told anyone in RL yet? The hard thing is trying to support your children as well as look after yourself. You may be able to access some psychological support soon and see if your DC might benefit from it. I just see how hard this will be for you worrying about your DC to, especially if one is doing GCSES this year, what a selfish man.

Can you speak to anyone now and explain to try to offload a bit? I wish I could help more but what an awful situation your DH is leaving you in. I am so sorry.

Amber0685 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:45:54

I am so sorry OP, what a shock. Do you want to talk about your cancer, there is a good support thread on here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting_illness/3942076-Still-the-storm
Your husband sounds awful, do you have any friends or family who could support you.

CrazylazyJane Tue 25-Aug-20 19:46:24

No advice whatsoever but here for a hand hold.

scotsllb Tue 25-Aug-20 19:47:17

You are living everyone's worst nightmare. I'm so sorry you are in this position.
This may sound trite but you must muster all the strength you can and put you first.
You are the priority here and your health.
Like the previous poster said, there are no words for your husband.
I think it's something that no one knows what they would do in the situation until they are faced with it.
You must fight for your future for you and your kids and he is irrelevant. He's made his disgusting choices but you can make yours and chose to deal with his when the time is right for you.
Sending you all the strength and best wishes possible, you are stronger than you know ❤️

Gwynfluff Tue 25-Aug-20 19:47:36

I’m so sorry. Have you got a friend you can tell? Also advise phoning Macmillan Cancer Care.

Sally2791 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:51:28

So sorry you are going through these dreadful situations,he is despicable. I hope you have excellent friends and family to support you. Try your best to focus on yourself and your future, one day at a time.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:51:47

Sidestepping the huge betrayal, he was aggressive when you told him about your diagnosis? shock

When my neighbour had her diagnosis, her partner was with her, took on all of the child care, all of the cooking, cleaning, dealt with all of the finances. In other words, he was supportive. He said all she needed to focus on was the chemo and radiotherapy. That's what your DH should be doing.

carly2803 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:52:36

I am so sorry OP

he is an absolute shithead. Sadly, I would not look for him to support you through this battle.

Talk to people in real life, speak to macmillan, groups, speak to people.
We are here for you on here

Pugdoglife Tue 25-Aug-20 19:53:44

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Make sure your family and friends know about your cancer and that they know about your husband, let them support you. Do not allow you DH to get away with his cheating or let him play for sympathy from anyone, he doesn't deserve it!

Lifeisabeach09 Tue 25-Aug-20 19:58:26

OP, sorry for your illness and for what your shithead H is doing.

Ill-timed, I know, but can I say-sort of your financials. Change your will so it goes to the DC with an executor (if possible) that isn't him. If you have life insurance, change the beneficiaries. Do an advanced care plan.

Personally, I'd ask him to leave so that you can focus on yourself and the DDs. You don't need him in your space and head right now. Get a lawyer if you can afford to.

MrsGrindah Tue 25-Aug-20 20:02:12

@ilovemydogandmrobama2 He’ll be annoyed because this has messed up his dirty little plans.

OP I am so dreadfully sorry.

Piggles39 Tue 25-Aug-20 20:04:31

That’s really horrible OP.

The latest support thread for people diagnosed with cancer is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/3941767-Cancer-support-thread-75-come-on-in?reverse=1, I think the one @Amber0685 posted above is for partners. Please do come and join us over there, everyone is very friendly and someone always knows the answer to any cancer question flowers

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore Tue 25-Aug-20 20:04:57

I'm so sorry, OP.

Sounds like he's viewing your diagnosis as bad news for him if he was planning to go, doesn't want to look bad.

Decide what you want. Decide what you need. And go from there. What he wants doesn't matter any more. You and your DCs have to come first.

sunflowersandtulips50 Tue 25-Aug-20 20:08:13

All I can say is that my DH has cancer and it has been very tough, he has my support 100%. It is an emotional journey for all involved. You need people around you that will go on that journey with you and support you. Sadly your DH isnt in that circle of support. Time for you to focus on yourself and your DC....

missyB1 Tue 25-Aug-20 20:10:04

As someone who has been through cancer myself I would say he is going to be no use and in fact a hindrance. His cruel selfishness will hold you back and make the journey ahead harder. Kick him into touch, you’ve got bigger fish to fry.
You will need loyal caring people around you. I hope you have family and friends who can be there for you.
I’m sending you sympathy, strength and positive thoughts.

rainbowlou Tue 25-Aug-20 20:11:34

I just can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now, but you will get a ton of support here.

I hope you also have support irl flowers

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