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He's finally admitted to a new girlfriend

(30 Posts)
Wannabegreenfingers Mon 24-Aug-20 17:00:50

Why are some (not all) men useless spineless fuckwits. My stbexh has finally admitted that he is in a relationship with his ex girlfriend of 20 years ago. She came back on the scene last year. We had been having a tricky time for a number of years, so I can't even blame her, but he has played the 'we are just friends' 'she's helping me out' card - Oh yes, let you move in for free in the 'spare' bedroom, I'm not stupid and neither is anyone else.

One of our many issues was gaslighting, on his side - clearly still is.

I don't feel angry that he is in a new relationship, but angry at the way he speaks to me, lies to my face about it and everything that goes with it. He is very controlling, took me two different counsellors to work it out.

We have two children, who she won't yet be introduced to as the new girlfriend, but they have met her. I've requested that I meet her first as despite everything we still have to co parent and if she is going to be in my children's lives I need to have some sort of relationship with the woman - I'm not some crazy, I've no desire to argue with her or discuss my stbexh, this is purely about my children. They are the priority.

Not sure what the point of my post is, I'm just letting off some steam.

Is there anyone that has been in similar situation and is past this rubbish stage?

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rvby Mon 24-Aug-20 17:37:31

Why do you need to meet her? I've never met my exh partner and exh hasn't met my partner. Feels like you're inviting a bit of drama/ trying to stay more involved than you need to be. This will extend the bad feelings and make you feel more rubbish I think.

Cut it loose and let it go, emotionally speaking. He can only gaslight you if you're still listening to a word he says.

Why do you know his plans on when to introduce her, etc? Again - I would never dream of having these conversations with me ex? Not trying to be confrontational with you here, more asking the question to perhaps help uncover why you still feel so involved and, as a result, vulnerable to his actions making you feel rubbish.

TwentyViginti Mon 24-Aug-20 17:44:47

You don't need to meet her, let alone have a relationship with her. It's bizarre you feel you have to.

DiscoInFurlough Mon 24-Aug-20 17:50:59

You say he is the controlling party, im sure he is, but so are you.
Its none of your business who he is dating, you're not together. You may call it gaslighting, but once youre broken up, its just none of your business.
You dont need to involve yourself with her, again, you are trying to control his relationship through your children.

Unless you believe your children are in danger, its none of your business.

You need to heal, away from focusing on him and his life and trying to control from afar. Time to think of you.

MorningNinja Mon 24-Aug-20 17:58:46

You need to start trying to let go here OP.

Do not ask to meet her. That just smacks of control on your part. And besides, what would you ask/tell her?!

litterbird Mon 24-Aug-20 17:59:08

"I've requested that meet her first"

You don't need to meet her at all. It sounds like they already know her and have met her. Your ex doesn't need to tell you about his private life anymore. You have to trust your ex with his choice of who he has in his life. In time you will meet her perhaps at large family gatherings and then get to know her then. Don't cause problems by requesting to meet her. She will probably say no and will be awkward. Just let this go and get on with your life. Your children have been fine with her in the property she lives with your ex so it will be ok now. It is harsh when you see your ex move on seamlessly but let it go, don't involve the new girlfriend in your drama keep it between you and the ex. Your mental health will thank you.

Justtheonemorethen24 Mon 24-Aug-20 17:59:25

@Wannabegreenfingers I wouldn’t listen to too much of what the other posters re: not needing to meet her. None of us would’ve ok with a random stranger parenting our children. As for him, let it go. He’s a liar, he’s proven that. It’s hard to reconcile that someone you loved has such little respect but that’s on him not you.

rvby Mon 24-Aug-20 18:04:45

None of us would’ve ok with a random stranger parenting our children it's not a random stranger. It's the partner of one of the children's parents. They've been vetted by that parent confused

If you don't trust that level of vetting, then what happens if you meet the partner and don't like her?

You can't stop her meeting the kids. All you've done is introduce more drama and anxiety into your life, with no way to attend to it. Why bother. Rather learn to let go and allow your ex to parent in the way he sees fit, what else can you do?

Wannabegreenfingers Mon 24-Aug-20 18:06:21

Thank you for your words of wisdom. It just feels odd that she will be a big part of the children's Iives and a total stranger to me. I'll certainly take this on board and let this flow organicly rather than forcing a meeting.

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TwentyViginti Mon 24-Aug-20 18:06:36

Justtheonemorethen24

*@Wannabegreenfingers* I wouldn’t listen to too much of what the other posters re: not needing to meet her. None of us would’ve ok with a random stranger parenting our children. As for him, let it go. He’s a liar, he’s proven that. It’s hard to reconcile that someone you loved has such little respect but that’s on him not you.

I, along with many 'exes' have not felt the need to meet new partners/gfs of former husbands. Had my DC complained of bad treatment, I would certainly have had words with exh.

Justtheonemorethen24 Mon 24-Aug-20 18:10:22

Maybe I read it wrong but the kids have only met her once? Definitely not as the girlfriend. I think that does change things for the children and the OP. I wouldn’t need to meet her extensively but just once, have a quick chat and then move on. If even for her to just know that if she needs she can call me regarding my children. If want that, that doesn’t mean I’d want to be part of their lives. Just the general welfare of my kids and knowing, actually having met the woman parenting my kids every other weekend or whatever. It’s not about control, it’s about being able to have dialogue and feel they are safe.

crimsonlake Mon 24-Aug-20 18:13:10

Well done for taking advice on board.
I can understand how you feel, but you cannot control who he is with or how he spends hiis time with your children...and it works both ways.
Good luck.

Kabakofte Mon 24-Aug-20 18:13:14

I echo what the others say, no need to meet her ( I get that it satisfies your curiosity). I didn't meet my exs girlfriend for 13 years and only then because he was hospitalised, I didn't even know what she liked like until I got to the ward! My kids liked her and that was enough.

Justtheonemorethen24 Mon 24-Aug-20 18:16:44

Ok I guess I’m just wired differently then. I will
Also take on board what you’re all saying but I still feel that I’d want to. Different strokes for different folks.

Wannabegreenfingers Mon 24-Aug-20 18:18:53

I'm not wanting to be part of their Iives, she is very welcome to him and as hard as it is to have another woman be close to my children, I hope she is a positive role model for them.

Neither of us ever bad mouth the other in front of the children. He just talks to me like a robot.

I want to do this the right way, not be an idiot and just be the bigger person. Sometimes I just need a head wobble, so thank you x

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TwentyViginti Mon 24-Aug-20 18:21:31

Good you've listened OP! as a pp said, focus on YOUR new life now.

pinktophat Mon 24-Aug-20 18:27:43

It's extremely hard and there is no way you can be rational for a long time after a painful split. It's all so sore. It used to tear me apart at the thought of another woman parenting my kids. But she's not parenting them - she can't replace you or emulate you in any way. They're your kids. And as time passes you won't care about her, you really won't. You can't MAKE yourself not care just now. It just takes (quite a long) time. Just hang fire and let it unfold as you end up feeling powerless if you imagine you can influence things. He's separate from you now, and you will end up glad about that. You will come out the other side and your own life will be better. Stay strong⭐️

pinktophat Mon 24-Aug-20 18:29:45

I always wish I'd known it would all get better. It would have made it so much easier to get through. I've come out the other side and I can promise you, it will get better beyond your imaginings. Just keep on keeping on 💐

millymollymoomoo Mon 24-Aug-20 18:34:16

I think it’s ok to want to meet her. Doesn’t have to be forced and actually if you can all ‘get along’ it makes co parenting a lot easier
The challenge is what happens if he/she says no? In Reality you can’t do anything about it and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to him to vett any boyfriends you have in the future
If it can be fairly informal , coffee when they/ you pick up / drop off kids, what’s the harm in that ?

rvby Mon 24-Aug-20 18:41:39

If even for her to just know that if she needs she can call me regarding my children. -- the father is the parent. A new woman is not the parent. The father is responsible for sorting out who his new partner ought to call, etc. in case of an emergency. The father's exp taking on that responsibility, and involving the new partner in that, may set up a dynamic that creates drama over time. It's essentially creating a relationship where the two women are the unspoken default carers for the kids, and dad is incidental - that isn't healthy and will cause issues.

It’s not about control, it’s about being able to have dialogue and feel they are safe. - but you might not get that. You might meet the woman and instantly feel she is awful. What then? ... you've just created a situation in which you feel even more out of control and rubbish.

Honestly, as counterintuitive as it sounds, it's best to keep it simple and to maintain some distance. Focus on the kids and how they are doing.

TheQueensCousin Mon 24-Aug-20 18:45:09

35+ years ago (yes I'm old)! My DH's ex said that I couldn't meet his DC until she'd met me. It was in the days of mothers' having all the rights and fathers had to put shut up and put up! Anyway I did meet her, apparently she liked me (lucky me) 🙄! But it started a pattern of controlling behaviour that still persists now with DGC.
Please don't ask for this to happen. Get on with your life and let them get on with theirs. It will make everyone unhappy and you won't come out of it looking good. 💐

Home42 Mon 24-Aug-20 19:08:19

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for over a year . My ex-H hasn’t met him. My ex has a girlfriend and I haven’t met her. DD has met both but only as “friends”. I don’t think you need to meet the girlfriend as long as your ex is a decent father (he doesn’t have to be a good boyfriend just a good dad).

Guavaf1sh Mon 24-Aug-20 19:15:34

Well done for listening - a rare thing here

madcatladyforever Mon 24-Aug-20 19:18:50

Yes same here, my ex clearly thought I was a moron. When I found out what he's been up to he ghosted me after 20 years of marriage. Thank God we didn't have children together.
I will think of him as a spineless twat yntil the end of my days.

Wannabegreenfingers Mon 24-Aug-20 19:25:20

The last thing I want to be is controlling, I've lived with it for 14 years.

I consider myself lucky with great friends and family and in time I'd like to also meet someone. That time isn't now.

Thank you for the positive messages. Tonight I'm going to have a glass of wine and let the emotions out whilst the kids are asleep. Tomorrow is a new day and I wont be wallowing. Im heading into the office with my big girl pants on and a full face of make-up, so can't cry!!

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