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Great third date, but......

(188 Posts)
Whatgoesaround192 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:18:02

..... it ended in sex which I hadn't planned and now I sense a change in him. Namechanged for this post as don't want it linked. I feel I have massively messed up although I know it takes two to tango. I met a nice man online and we had a coffee date first and really hit it off which if you know OLD, is quite rare! Three hours flew by. The following week, we went to dinner. Again, had a lovely time. We had a little kiss at the end of the night and I drove home feeling happy and hopeful. Everything felt right - no constant messaging all day, just a nice 'good morning' one from him and a phone call in the evening. He was keen to arrange a third date for Saturday just gone. He booked a restaurant and said I could either drive or if I wanted to drink, he would order me a a taxi to collect me and take me home. I wanted to have a couple of glasses of wine so I booked my own taxi to his. We walked hand in hand to the restaurant and again, another lovely night. We went back to his and I had another glass of wine and we played a game of pool (he has a games room) and then he took his dogs out for a walk - he was gone about half an hour. When he came back, we started kissing and I said about getting my taxi and I think I said "or do you want me to stay?" and he said yes. So I did and we had sex that night and again in the morning. He dropped me home at half 9 yesterday morning as he was going to circuits and although he called me last night, he just seemed different, like he was talking to a mate or something. I could tell the call was about to wrap up so I said "are we going to see each other this week?" and he said yes but I felt like I was making all the effort and really he could have taken or left it. Now I'm feeling crap for sleeping with him and that he is maybe seeing me in a different light. But he could have said "no, I think you should go home" couldn't he? Maybe I'm overthinking it but I'm usually quite perceptive. Why oh why did I drink and not just drive home. Really beating myself up here. Not even sure what I'm asking for - reassurance I suppose. To put things in perspective, we are grown ups - I'm 50 and he's 52. I was all excited and now I just feel disappointed (and a bit of a slapper - I'm not!)

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TwentyViginti Mon 24-Aug-20 15:25:43

If he's the type to change after sex, it would have happened whether it was the 3rd date or the 33rd.

Maybe now he feels he doesn't have to put as much effort in now he has you hooked.

Soblueithurts Mon 24-Aug-20 15:28:44

You’re absolutely not a slapper! flowers
And I agree with the above poster, IF it’s the case that having sex after a third date (which is totally fine btw) has somehow put him off then you have had a lucky escape!

SoulofanAggron Mon 24-Aug-20 15:35:46

If he truly is like that then he's a twat. I hope you're wrong but if he has somehow judged you for sex he also had or something, then please don't blame yourself, it just shows he's a wanker.

See how it all goes this week. xxx

Terrace58 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:38:53

It’s more likely that he met his goal, sex, than that he has negative feelings about you personally.

netsybetsy Mon 24-Aug-20 15:41:03

First of all, I hope the sex was good! You are NOT a slapper. I've done it in fewer dates FWIW.

The thing is, whenever you choose to have sex remember that you have to be okay with the relationship not developing further. There are no guarantees. If you want to just have fun, go for it. If you are not okay with that, then you need to guard your heart a bit.

The only advice I have is the old-fashioned kind, but it's not really old-fashioned so much as logical. If you want more than a fling then you need to weed out the guys who maybe are just after sex. The best way to do that is not to have sex with them for a good long time. Yes, some guys will get bored of this and disappear, but the one who falls in love with you won't.

First dates should not go on for three hours - you don't give a stranger three hours of your time just like that. Don't drink and not be able to drive yourself home. Don't take lifts or stay over with a guy you don't know that well (however charming he may seem). I used to do all that and it was always too much too soon and those relationships never ended well for me.

Your time is precious. So is your heart. So are you. Good luck!grin

Inching Mon 24-Aug-20 15:41:14

OP, you're getting this all wrong -- if you hadn't slept with him (sex that as a pp pointed out, he was a consenting participant in!), the only difference would be that you would still be feeling happy and fluttery about the type of man who, it turns out, immediately feels differently about a woman he's 'had', ie, a misogynistic wanker.

Absolutely, it's depressing to have found that out about him, but think of it as you would any other dealbreaker -- voting UKIP, poor personal hygiene, whatever -- which is fundamentally nothing to do with you.

bitheby Mon 24-Aug-20 15:41:33

Maybe he's relaxed a bit and feels like he can be himself a bit more as he knows you definitely like him. Contrary to popular opinion, men have insecurities too.

Inching Mon 24-Aug-20 15:43:14

Oh, and I slept with my husband on our first date. Because I felt like it.

And have always felt better to see whether you're sexually compatible asap before you fall for someone and discover they're a wet fish/completely untutored/some other horror in bed.

IndieTara Mon 24-Aug-20 15:45:40

Op if as a pp said he's a misogynistic wanker at least you've found out at the 3rd date stage. If you'd waited 2 months to have sex with him you'd be more invested and feel worse!
Seriously though you've done nothing wrong and in theory neither has he.
If you want to have sex with anybody you date after 2 days or 2 months just realise that whatever you're feeling isn't necessarily what he's feeling.

TwoBoysTooMany76 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:46:27

Did you actually organise a fourth date when you asked? If you haven't, leave it and it will be telling if he does organise another date and make sure that's a going out date, not a come-over-for-a-movie-night date.

Trust your intution though. I have hardly been wrong. And it seems women naturally get more attached after sex and I think a good nice man should be aware of that, and be more re-assuring after that. Not the other way.

I once slept with a guy on a first date. And he was going away the next day for two weeks for work. Stupid idea I thought. Never going to hear from him again. Two weeks turned into three and then into four! We messaged occasionally but he messaged the day after he got back, we met up the day after and it was as lovely as it was previously. Which goes to show, they can make the effort if they want to. Whether you sleep with them on the first date, the third or 30th! Keep us posted.

Whatgoesaround192 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:49:54

Thanks for the replies! The thing is I liked him and I didnt have sex to prove that, I had sex because it felt right at the time and I thought (albeit with a stupid wine head) that he liked me too, enough so that things would feel even better the next day. But I didnt feel good. I felt awkward and a bit silly in my dress from the night before on a Sunday morning.

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Whatgoesaround192 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:54:04

If we do meet tomorrow, I shall drive and come back home! Slightly worried now maybe I was crap in bed or maybe he didnt like my body or something. I know... I should have waited longer to have been absolutely sure.

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TwentyViginti Mon 24-Aug-20 15:55:04

Agree with a pp - if he does arrange another date - make sure it's a going out one, not a booty date at his.

TwoBoysTooMany76 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:56:56

Also, I think there is a term for 'day after post-coital crash'. The 'down; you get after the oxytocin rush you get from sex... grin Maybe.. Don't feel bad! You made a judgement call and you might have just shown him up as an idiot sooner than later. Are you meeting tomorrow?

netsybetsy Mon 24-Aug-20 15:57:34

The thing is thanks to hormones and drink I have felt amazing rapport and had great sex with guys who turned out not to be interested in anything more. It's a minefield.

Put this behind you, have a think about what you're really looking for in dating and make up your own plan and rules going forward.

TwentyViginti Mon 24-Aug-20 15:57:54

Whatgoesaround192

If we do meet tomorrow, I shall drive and come back home! Slightly worried now maybe I was crap in bed or maybe he didnt like my body or something. I know... I should have waited longer to have been absolutely sure.

STOP IT! stop making it your 'fault' somehow.
I hate how women are conditioned to feel responsible for the behaviour of men.

Willowmartha1 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:04:24

I'm worried this is going to happen to me ! I have a date on Saturday about the tenth one and he has asked me to stay over, just wonder if I'll get the cold shoulder Sunday morning too !

Willowmartha1 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:05:51

I had sex on the first date because I thought I wouldn't see him again and we ended up with a child together !!

Poppyismyfavourite Mon 24-Aug-20 16:10:53

maybe his toney was more "matey" because he just felt more comfortable with you? Now that the sexual tension has "broken" by actually sleeping together...

workshy44 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:11:31

If you feel he has cooled off I would do the same too- act all easy breezy. Problem is men love the chase

All is not lost but I would be letting him do the running now and if he doesn't I would just chalk it down to one of these things
You have done nothing wrong

Lifeisabeach09 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:11:55

OP, as PP have said, there aren't any guarantees. Better to find out now what he is like (if him losing interest once he got sex really is the case!) and put it down to a positive experience (if you found it so) where you had a few nice dates and, hopefully, good sex.
The ball is in his court. In the meantime, keep dating others!

MyGhastIsFlabbered Mon 24-Aug-20 16:16:41

I was once dating a guy...it was a complete headfuck as he didn't even try to kiss me until date 5...it was date 9 when we had sex for the first only time as he then ghosted me. Obviously it hurt that much more because of the length of time we'd been seeing each other. If someone's going to disappear after sex it will happen no matter what date it happens on.

Notredamn Mon 24-Aug-20 16:16:41

I doubt he's sat wondering whether you think he's a man-whore because he slept with you.
Too many women think of sex as something like 'giving in' and something to be judged on. The only question is whether you enjoyed it or not! Is he enough for you?

Whatgoesaround192 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:17:33

He messaged first this morning (I replied) and he said he would call later. I will keep it breezy and shift my focus off him and Saturday night and just see what happens. We are meant to be meeting tomorrow so I shall let you know.

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