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How do I tell BF I am pregnant (unplanned)?

(16 Posts)
hillarypcof Mon 24-Aug-20 14:02:37

Hi all,
Exactly that really. We are spot on with our contraception however I admit we got complacent and took our foot off the gas last month. Well, it happened, and I am 4 weeks pregnant.

I found out last week and have kept it to myself since. I am seeing boyfriend tomorrow when I plan to tell him, but I'm really not sure how, or what to say! I haven't told him yet as I do not want it to happen over the phone/via text.

We are both 25, in good careers but do not live together and are both not ready emotionally or financially for this.

I have already arranged my telephone consultation with BPAS, which is tomorrow morning.
Not sure a) how to tell him that we have conceived and b) that I have already got the ball rolling for a termination of pregnancy.

Thank you in advance x

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Mon 24-Aug-20 14:09:26

Somewhere private where you can sit down together. Just say "I'm pregnant" and let it sink in for him before saying anything else.

QueenOfPain Mon 24-Aug-20 14:10:08

If you are certain you want a termination then just tell him exactly that, “I’m pregnant, but do not want a baby so have plans in place for a termination”.

If you’re open to discussion and there’s any remote possibility you both might want to go ahead, then just open with the “I’m pregnant part first”.

There’s no real way to make it any less of a shock or prevent it from being a difficult conversation, just get on with it, I think.

I’d also make sure you’ve got the whole time to yourselves, and you’re not going to be disturbed by anyone else.

QueenOfPain Mon 24-Aug-20 14:11:08

I didn’t close my speech marks in the right place up there, sorry!

I meant “I’m pregnant”.

Inmybackyard Mon 24-Aug-20 14:13:22

I agree. Tell him you’re pregnant and tell him you’ve already set the ball rolling. If you’re not having a baby it’s not that scary a conversation. However, you need to have the discussion about how to stop this happening again and that might mean you both change the contraception you rely on.

Dery Mon 24-Aug-20 14:38:39

“However, you need to have the discussion about how to stop this happening again and that might mean you both change the contraception you rely on.”

This. At 25 very few women would get away with being complacent about birth control. Over the years, a number of women I’ve known (all of them considerably older than you - think 30s and early 40s) have had unplanned pregnancies and it has been because they took chances.

It’s a drag but birth control isn’t something you can get complacent about unless you feel able to accommodate a baby in your life (or you want to have numerous abortions, which of course no-one does).

There are many options so hopefully you’ll find something that works for you relatively easily.

Good luck with your conversation. As PP have said, make sure you’re somewhere private where you can have a long chat.

Your BF was involved in taking chances around you becoming pregnant and I think it will be a salutary lesson for him as well as you. Some women would keep the baby and some would pursue him for child maintenance so he needs to understand that through his irresponsible behaviour he could have found himself in the position of being an unwilling father with financial obligations to a child he didn’t want. He doesn’t just get to fire off his sperm without a thought for contraception and then walk away. It’s on him, too.

hillarypcof Mon 24-Aug-20 15:12:29

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate your time and having this space on here to talk about this. I will have the conversation with him, tomorrow, and ensure that we are alone and will not be disturbed.

Thanks all x

OP’s posts: |
ErickBroch Mon 24-Aug-20 15:41:31

I said it all at once. I am pregnant but I don't want to continue the pregnancy so will be booking in for a termination. Then give him tim to absorb the info.

millymollymoomoo Mon 24-Aug-20 18:36:19

What if he wants you to keep it ?

Amijustagrump Mon 24-Aug-20 18:48:49

Well OP is the one who gets to make that choice so it doesn't matter what he wants in that case

Just do it somewhere private and straight away say you are terminating. Thats what I did in your situation!

millymollymoomoo Mon 24-Aug-20 18:55:50

I never said that she wasn’t
But in many ways it’s quite harsh to simply announce it then tell him he’s got no right to an opinion or even discussion
In which case why tell him ?
My point was, to OP, has she thought about the fact he might actually want it ? And how will she feel if that’s the case ?

FizzyGreenWater Mon 24-Aug-20 19:07:20

Agree with milly - in this scenario, you do not have to tell him at all.

It's better that you do if you think you will stay together, though.

However if you think he would want to go ahead - that's really hard for him.

Tootletum Mon 24-Aug-20 19:08:13

Good luck. Think carefully, abortions have a habit of catching up with some people emotionally further down the line. Babies on the other hand, ha, they're obviously a breeze :-)

DarkHelmet Mon 24-Aug-20 19:12:11

Personally I wouldn't tell him if you plan to terminate anyway. Have you considered he might want you to keep it? And whilst it's entirely your choice to terminate, are you prepared for the very real possibility that he might end the relationship because he doesn't want you to terminate? Just throwing some possibilities around. You know him best and perks is it's a scenario you've discussed previously.

DarkHelmet Mon 24-Aug-20 19:12:56

*perhaps not perks!!

hillarypcof Mon 24-Aug-20 20:52:18

I really appreciate all of your comments and input.

Everything that has been spoken about has crossed my mind. It has occurred to me that he may wish to keep it, but ultimately I do not, and i do believe in this circumstance it really is the female who has the final say, for obvious mental and physiological reasons.

With this in mind, it has occurred to me to not tell him, however, we do genuinely love each other and I do not feel I could keep something like this from him. If I did, it would only come out later down the line, which may well cause issues of trust and resentment.

I fully accept that we both should be responsible adults about this - and we weren't, which is why I am in this position now!

I think I am going to just be 100% honest and upfront with him tomorrow. I have no doubt he will be shocked, and will cope with the news in his own way(s), but it is what it is, we need to be the mature adults that we are and deal with this and get through this together. I am hoping that this only makes our relationship stronger, but at the same time I cannot rule out that it may cause a strain (eg if he does not agree with my will to terminate) x

OP’s posts: |

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