I feel completely alone

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

There's so much I don't know where to start.
Been with OH 11yrs, 2 DC aged 3 and 6 months.
Bought an old house several years ago which needed doing up, OH determined to do the work himself, I think initially because he liked the idea of a project but once the reality set in of renovating a house while also working full time and having young kids who DONT.EVER.SLEEP, he has basically downed tools and as we can't currently afford to get professionals in to sort it out, our house is an absolute mess. Literally a building site with half the house unusable. Cheers for that OH. Obviously has put a huge strain on us, in addition to the relentless lack of sleep (DD didn't sleep through the night at all until she was over 2yrs old and DS is also a terrible sleeper).
In addition to this, I have barely any relationship with my family (they havent met DS), we were never close before I had children ( I used to see them regularly but it was always me driving round to their house after work etc, my mum would never meet me for coffee etc when I asked if she fancied it because she "couldnt leave my dad" but would manage to tear herself away for overnight ghost hunting trips with my sister for example, I
never really confided in them, was very much smile and agree with them as they don't like criticism) when I had a miscarriage before having DD neither parent so much as text to see if I was ok, lots of examples but to give you a flavour.
Had DD, suddenly my mum wants to come over regularly, both parents ignored instructions if they briefly looked after DD while I had counselling appointments for PND and when I pulled them up on it instead of explaining why they hadnt listened etc would tut and eye roll and generally make it clear they didn't expect to answer to me. A few times they were also a little careless which made me quite anxious about leaving DD with them.
Anyway we carried on this very tense relationship until about a year ago when we had a huge row and have barely seen each other since.
My sister meanwhile got engaged, great was very happy for her. She asked me to be a bridesmaid I think out of duty, but then bought dresses without telling me (I found out from my mum she had got the bridesmaids dresses), she didnt even ask me what size I usually am and as I was about 6 months pregnant at the time it all seemed a bit passive aggressive to buy me a dress without checking on sizes etc, throughout my whole pregnancy with DS she never asked how it was going etc, I literally didnt hear from her at all and there had been no falling out,I think she just sided with my parents I guess.
Her wedding was postponed due to COVID and is now going ahead with just 30 guests allowed. She has text me to say I can bring DD but not DS or OH. I obviously understand numbers are tight but see that she hasnt asked various uncles/aunts to come without their OH's, and none of them are bringing their children as presumably she knows it is a bit off to say bring one child but not your other, she doesn't mind saying this to me though?
Would others be put out by this?
Although I obviously know life would be alot easier if I had family support, I have always done without so I'm quite used to "going it alone" I guess, I have recently felt upset that DC literally have me, their dad and each other. It makes me worry about how happy they will be growing up and how when they are older they will probably join the families of their OH's and leave me and OH behind.
OH can be a miserable git to be honest. 11yrs and 2 kids yet still no sign of getting married, we do nothing together, when he is at home he sits watching random films and looking at his phone while I take the kids to the playground etc, its quite rare he joins us. That would be bad enough but add in all the work that needs doing with our house and I'm massively pissed off. I've told him its not on but he juat says how exhausted he is by the lack of sleep and working hard all week.
Other than a small group of close friends who I've known all my life and who really are wonderful, I feel so alone. My parents only want to know as long as I smile and nod to whatever they do and say, even when its bloody outrageous, my sister has shown how little she cares about me for a long time now, OH is either at work or when home isn't really with us at all.

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Pressed post by mistake!
I'm so tired and always grumpy with my kids, lockdown has been really hard in a building site of a house with a toddler and a young baby, although we are allowed out again now none of the toddler griups etc I used to take DD to have been open so its been a real challenge to entertain her, DS barely gets a look in. I feel permanently overwhelmed by day to day jobs, both kids, no sleep, no help, I look a wreck.
I'm always so miserable and I worry thats all DD thinks of me,horrible grumpy mummy who is always stressed and shouting

[litterbird]

You sound very down and isolated and I am sorry. You have been with your partner for many years. You say he has always been a miserable person. Can I ask why you didn't get married before discussing children? Has he changed since having children and did you think having children would improve him and your relationship? I ask about the marriage thing as I see so many posts from women who have been left high and dry with partners that they had children with as marriage gives a certain security for financial reasons if you separate. You say you do nothing together. What did you do together before you chose to have 2 children? Perhaps you can re visit these things again and build up your relationship together. As for your family. Covid has taken a big hit with everything but I am baffled why your sister only invited you and one child and not your partner. Has there been other issues surrounding your partner and your family? It sounds like your whole life needs a jump start and a re look at everything. You need to somehow get him motivated to finish the house. It cant be fun living in a building site. Lack of sleep is a terrible thing too and I am sure you have tried everything to get your children to sleep through. Perhaps they are picking up on the tension in the house that may reflect in their behaviour. I hope you can find some answers at the moment it looks like big mountain to climb at the moment. I wish you all the strength to get through this difficult time x

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Thanks for your reply, before we had kids we used to do lots together and travelled a fair bit, we dont have the spare money to do this now as pretty much every penny is accounted for.
He always has had a bit of a depressive side to him, yes. He is now a totally thoughtless partner though, as in he won't even buy me a birthday card any more. He says "of course he loves me" but his actions often say otherwise.
I think my family are angry at what has happened with the house as they know this is a crap situation for me and my children to be in. They have never said this but I think they blame OH for me speaking up against my parent's behaviour (this isn't the case, I spoke up as I had enough of the way they treat me).
I am clinging onto the hope that when we are able to remortgage next summer we will be able to borrow the money needed to get at least some of the house done so it is more liveable, part of me has given up hope though as we have been in this ridiculous situation for so long it seems hard to envisage it actually being done and us having a normal life.

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Sometimes I genuinely think the only way things will get better is if I wasn't here, there would then be no mortgage so my OH could afford to get the house sorted out and my children have a better home, we argue so much and he often says how his life was better before he met me as he had more money, slept properly and had a strict routine of work/gym etc whereas now he wastes all his time looking at his phone.

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Pressed post again by mistake. My kids wouldn't have to put up with their miserable mum either, and I dont think anyone else would really give that much of a shit to be honest.

[MidnightColours]

OP, people do give a shit. Is there a way you could share your thoughts and worries with your friends, from what you said, they would be there for you? I can't provide practical advice, but you need to put your health first, other threads include useful links for MH. Have you considered calling the Samaritans, please do if you feel again like no-one would miss you. Remember, people DO give a shit and your children love you and need you.