I think I’m losing my mind

[talltreewessex]

Bit of background: I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. He moved in a year ago. Out first six months together was quite turbulent as I discovered he has been sleeping with someone else in our first couple of months. He’s 18 years younger than me and I’m 47.

We’ve mostly been happy and in love. We get on very well, laugh a lot but something just isn’t right. I don’t know what it is or why but I just have a feeling. It’s driving me mad.

The lies and the issues at the start did unearth a very turbulent childhood of mine (that I haven’t dealt with) as my stepfather abused me and bullied me.

We’ve talked a few times about splitting up, having a break and we did have a one week break but I just couldn’t say goodbye at the end of it. But the feeling remains.

My close friends and family know the issues and they say to go with my gut. But I love him dearly but I’m getting more and more tired and stressed by not knowing what is wrong.

Any advice?

Thank you. X

[AllsortsofAwkward]

He sounds very immature given the age distance its clear to see theres issues and always will be. Hes a cheat why flog a dead horse.

[HalcyonDaysOfSummer]

Out first six months together was quite turbulent as I discovered he has been sleeping with someone else in our first couple of months

I wouldn't have forgiven this, tbh.

So its hard to advise on what you should do now other than to say walk away. Especially as it isn't right.

Might it not feel right because you simply don't trust him or feel safe and secure with him because of the above?

[talltreewessex]

@HalcyonDaysOfSummer

Out first six months together was quite turbulent as I discovered he has been sleeping with someone else in our first couple of months

I wouldn't have forgiven this, tbh.

So its hard to advise on what you should do now other than to say walk away. Especially as it isn't right.

Might it not feel right because you simply don't trust him or feel safe and secure with him because of the above?

The “feel safe and secure” point really resonates with me. Since childhood I haven’t really had that and when you don’t feel that with someone, it gives you a gut feel.

My close friend met him for the first time Last year and said “something about him isn’t genuine”

[BlingLoving]

I can't work out why you stayed with him when he cheated on you in the first six months? Of course you don't feel stable and secure. He showed that he didn't have much respect for you right at the beginning and for some reason you've stuck with it anyway.

[HalcyonDaysOfSummer]

Since childhood I haven’t really had that and when you don’t feel that with someone, it gives you a gut feel.*

Yes.

People who have had secure childhoods are put off by that feeling and end it. People who have had traumatic childhoods often know it isn't right but it also feels normal and familiar. Which can be confusing.

I think it's safe to say this is a relationship you need to end.

[Dery]

“My close friends and family know the issues and they say to go with my gut. But I love him dearly but I’m getting more and more tired and stressed by not knowing what is wrong.”

As is often said on here, love is not enough. That said, I don’t think sleeping with someone else in the very early stages is necessarily wrong. Being completely honest, I had a “men are like buses” experience with my DH - I had been single for several years; there were two men I liked very much but who were very different from each other (one being now DH) and they both expressed an interest at more or less the same time. I never slept with the other guy but it was probably about 6 months before I felt completely settled in my relationship with now DH. This is all ancient history now but i mention it because it doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is not committed to you now.

But I do agree with going with your gut - if your gut says something’s not right, then something isn’t right. It may just be the age difference and priorities rather than anything more sinister. But you should feel comfortable in your relationship and it’s a bad sign if you don’t.

[talltreewessex]

Thanks everyone. We’re going to have a 2 weeks break with him back at his mums.

I’m going to miss him dearly but I need this time to really think about what’s going on.

[Sakurami]

He is a cheat and he is way too young for you. He is a different generation to you.

[talltreewessex]

@Sakurami

He is a cheat and he is way too young for you. He is a different generation to you.

Very constructive. Thank you.

[talltreewessex]

We’ve had a two week break. I have missed him in at times but in all honesty. I’m not excited about him returning.

There isn’t anything seriously wrong with us. It’s just run it’s course. The rot created at the beginning has limited us i think. I just want more. I don’t want to wonder what he’s up to when I’m not with him.

I’ve cried and I’ve cried. But I almost want this to be a bitter end so it will be easier to do it.

[famousforwrongreason]

@Sakurami

He is a cheat and he is way too young for you. He is a different generation to you.

This is very constructive. I agree. I am your age op and have very insecure attachment style based on my childhood and subsequent relationship experience.
I would never choose someone this much younger but I'm always drawn to very emotionally immature 'partners'.
I give cheats and liars way too many opportunities and choosing someone that much younger is almost asking to be deceived.
My friend is currently going through exactly the same as you. At first I thought my friend wrote this postm

[talltreewessex]

Thanks for the reply.

I don’t think he’d ever do it again as it was just before we’d agreed to be monogamous. It’s just the lies and the deceit that went with it - I don’t think I’ll ever truly trust him. The bubble of innocence was burst. I just thought he was different.

[PinkMonkeyBird]

Please get some self respect and get rid of him. He CHEATED on you in the first few months of your relationship and you now don't trust him. This isn't a healthy relationship and you are deluding yourself. I also hate to point out the age difference, but it just shows he is immature and you are both not compatible at all. I'm also late 40s, my previous ex was a number of years younger and totally immature with it.

Honestly, get some counselling for your self-esteem and do go with your gut instinct. This relationship is doomed.

[talltreewessex]

So I Ended it. Yesterday it felt like the right decision but now I’m in bits. I love him so much and he’s devastated.

I just don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. We have so much life together that I don’t want to lose.

[TimelyManor]

You are doing the right thing. Even ending a dreadful relationship is hard and hurts. You will start to feel better in time, you just have to work through the grief

[talltreewessex]

It feels like I’m throwing away something that was so amazing for a while. He’s going to learn from this but I’m not sure I can let go.

[TimelyManor]

'that was so amazing for a while' - it stopped being amazing then started making you feel anxious and you do not trust him. You have to let go, he's not going to be any more trustworthy if you get back with him, it'll just get worse. Keep your strength, you can do this.

[talltreewessex]

So I did it.

Funny thing is, it sort of brought me clarity. I do love him. I do want him.

Deep down. I think I want someone a bit more relaxed. That comes with age.

[AudTheDeepMinded]

I know posters will be up in arms with what I'm about to say but here goes: even if he was a perfect partner to you, at some point there is a very strong possibility that he will want a family.
OP you've made a wise choice and avoided being dumped for a younger, fertile model at some point in the future.
And I've seen this issue break up/damage relationships at close hand.

[talltreewessex]

I agree. I don’t want children. I wish I had them but I don’t now. He does though.

[AudTheDeepMinded]

@talltreewessex Hoping you find your relaxed soul mate who is perfect for you in the not too distant future.

[CandyLeBonBon]

Oh op you sound all over the place. From what you e written here you remind me of my mum. She spent her life needing male validation at the expense of her children, one of whom (my brother) now won't have anything to do with her.

She ended up marrying 5 times, ignoring abuse, using me as an excuse so that she could have affairs and caused no end of damage. The way you talked about how he made you feel really reminded me of her. Basically her self esteem was wrapped up in the love, approval and adoration from men. I think you have done the right thing, but it hurts because you're used to warped relationships being the norm.

Try to sit with the feelings. They will pass but they're uncomfortable while they last. You have made the right choice.

[talltreewessex]

Oh candy. You’ve reminded me of my mother. I’m at risk of becoming her. A life of a bullying husband who abused me too.