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What would be best for the children?

(5 Posts)
BetweenARockAndAHardPlace88 Mon 24-Aug-20 09:43:50

I've posted this in legal but would like a more relationship aspect covered too please.

Myself and my DH exwife are considering trying to get sole custody for both sets of children.

DH has been found to have been stealing money from my parents since march for cocaine. In that period of time he has become increasingly emotionally abusive and manipulative. Exwife went through the same.

Lots of lies to hide his past and create his own version, which is why for years I was gullible enough to fall for it.

We had up until lockdown ss and sd near enough eow unless they had other plans. During this time I realised I was the one being left with all the actual care while he slept or done other things.

This has also had a detrimental effect on scs mental health due to the relatiobship with their father.

Scs are 11 and 8.

My dc are 3 months and 2 years.

Yesterday I had to call an ambulance after chasing him down for ages as he had left threatening suicide unless I took him back. Naturally despite everything and believing it was lies, I still felt the need to protect him. I had kicked him out due to pushing me in front of the children.

Hospital assessed him. Sent him home. Despite my pleas to keep him there.

This is all just a small glimpse into who he is. I'm too emotionally exhausted to go into everything.

I have evidence of the drug use from him talking about it during a WhatsApp conversation.

Because of this, the lack of trust, the very obvious "I'll do anything to suit myself" and the damage and pain he has caused his elder two.

I am loathe to leave him knowing he could likely go to court and get eow. Purely as I can't trust him to look after them.

All this happened when my father was in hospital for three months. In that time I was only able to see him four times. Two of which my sister babysat. As even when my dh knew I was in hospital holding my dads hand while he had a feeding tube put in, only being gone two hours. I had phone calls about how he couldn't manage etc it was all kicking off bla bla.

And exwife is worried that without me with him her children wouldn't be cared for properly either.

When exwife and him went to court - she demanded a hair strand test and they said due to the fact he was in the army it wasn't needed. He is only in it part time. If he goes at all. But was able to sway the judges opinion on that alone. He is that manipulative.

He is now claiming he will get help, and all the rest. Is currently waiting on therapy.

I can't leave him if it means I would have to hand my children over to him eow knowing no one was there to watch him. He is capable in short bursts, or when there is support. There is no denying he does love his children. He just isn't able to manage them. Let alone as due to the nature of his work he would have both dc and sc together at the same time. 4 kids when he can't manage 2 for a couple hours. It terrifies me. And his ex.

I would happily allow supervised contact. With someone i trusted or in a contact center. But certainly nothing more.

Otherwise I fear I will have to stay to protect the children and just hope therapy actually makes him better sad

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BetweenARockAndAHardPlace88 Mon 24-Aug-20 11:25:21

Bump. Please

OP’s posts: |
bakedoff Mon 24-Aug-20 11:35:56

Wow. So so sorry you are going through this. Surely you’d be best to get the advice of a solicitor to help on this? It’s all very complicated. You need professional help I’d say. Have you got messages with proof of the suicide threats etc?

bakedoff Mon 24-Aug-20 11:36:18

Keep copies of everything. Would he really want EOW?

BetweenARockAndAHardPlace88 Mon 24-Aug-20 12:12:26

I have WhatsApps covering all he has done. So evidence there.

Social services have now been contacted so when they call I will be asking them for random drug tests.

Its just so confusing. I know he is manipulating me, but it hits close to home as I have a history of bad depression. So a small part of me thinks if it is real, I want to help him and maybe magically he will change. Which I know is highly unrealistic.

I'm just so confused and scared. I want the best for my children and right now it isn't him. But I also know they arore him. So am i being cruel not giving him a controlled chance to change? Or am I wrong for staying despite all of this?

Surely a decent man wouldn't do what he done at the best of times. Especially not during a period we were likely losing my dad. Luckily by chance he just abojt pulled through although will be changed for life now.

And im so scared if I did fight him, he would use my mental health against me. Despite the fact i have never been any risk to my vhildren, never done anything like that since having them. They are everything to me.

But I just know how nasty he will get if I do walk. As I saw what he put his poor exwife through. At the time it was all painted (and me being a fool believed it) that she was stopping contact just to be spiteful and every other excuse in the book. When in reality she just wanted to protect her children.

And yes i think he would fight me for eow. He did with the exwife.

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