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MIL/DH issue but maybe it's me...

(150 Posts)
Sanjii Mon 24-Aug-20 09:17:22

I try to keep it concise so I don't have to drip feed:

Married with 2 DSs. DS2 is 9 and has severe autism and severe learning difficulties.
DH is from the Middle East. His mum is still living there but not many other family members.
DH has younger sisters with grown up children who are also in the UK.
My parents passed away and no other siblings/family. I work around school hours).

DH (self employed) has been always taking the summers off to visit his mum - he goes on his own as the DSs are hard word, esp DS2 with SN. I cannot join as I don't have enough AL and need a lot of the days of AL for appointment with DS. And I find it too hot - been there before we had the DC.

He is just away again and told me on December, his mum will have surgery (nothing major) and he plans to go there again for 2-3 weeks to look after her.

I said I am not happy. Year after year after years I spent every summer alone with the DC here and he goes on a jolly on his own back to the ME. He has sisters who don't have young kids and you are house wives and could easily do this but refuses to even ask them. and they are so spoilt, they would not offer to help either.

Anyhow, we just had a massive fight on the phone and he called me heartless and cruel. But I cannot anymore. Years and years of caring have broken me.I never get a break. I am either working or caring and the Lockdown has just tipped me over with both DSs out of school, WFH and home schooling. I hit rock bottom and he still went away.

Now thinking, I am wondering if I have actually been cruel in suggesting he doesn't go - after all his mum is alone there and there is also a cultural element. If my mum was around, I surely would want to be with here in these circumstances. But I think I am more than generous to let him have a solo 6 week holiday every year when I get nothing but going twice is just too much. even with the upcoming surgery.

Any thoughts?

OP’s posts: |
Shizzlestix Mon 24-Aug-20 09:20:29

Is he a teacher? He leaves you for 6 weeks every summer? Sod that for a lark! Can his mum come to stay with you for a week or so?

PermaStress Mon 24-Aug-20 09:21:03

Yes. I have many thoughts. Many thoughts about how much of a dick your husband is. Which thoughts in particular would you like? The one where I get straight to the point and suggest life would be easier without him?

IsolaPribby Mon 24-Aug-20 09:22:26

I think that he has been incredibly unreasonable to have left you for weeks on end every summer to spend with his mother. If he had not done that, and had been around to support you, you would feel much more amenable to him going out to support her after her op. By itself that is not an unreasonable thing to ask, but in the overall context of your situation, I can see that it's the final straw for you.

Sanjii Mon 24-Aug-20 09:25:58

Is he a teacher? He leaves you for 6 weeks every summer? Sod that for a lark! Can his mum come to stay with you for a week or so?

no self employed, IT stuff. He can work from anywhere really.

She has been over and ended up staying each time 2-3 months. I don't speak Arabic, she doesn't speak English. we have a small house. she doesn't lift a finger (expects the DIL, aka me to do it all). It's sheer hell. She is also scared to travel alone esp without speaking English so DH also has to pick her up and take her back. It is a major source of stress and not as easy as coming over for a week.

OP’s posts: |
MrsZ19 Mon 24-Aug-20 09:33:32

Yabvu it’s not a jolly holiday he is going to see his family And why shouldn’t he.
It shouldn’t matter if he went 4 times a year it’s family.
He goes once a year for 6 weeks imagine being told you can only see your family for 6 weeks of the year you would be gutted.
so what if he goes twice this year because his mother is ill sorry but I’m with your hubby on this one.
I can’t believe you even think that you are generous to let him go once a year.
maybe you should take the kids and go with him Rather than make excuses. My sister has 4 kids one with severe autism and she still manages to take them on family holidays. And perhaps your mil would like to see her grandkids ? What a nice surprise that would be for her but also nice for kids to bond with her.
My husband is polish and he goes back to see family as many times a year as he likes I would never dream of stopping him sometimes I go with him sometimes I don’t no big deal.
Could you imagine if something happened to his mother and you were the one that stopped him from going you would be devastated.
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but that’s the way I see it

Sanjii Mon 24-Aug-20 09:44:26

My sister has 4 kids one with severe autism and she still manages to take them on family holidays. And perhaps your mil would like to see her grandkids ?

if you would have read my post you would have seen that I said I don't have enough annual leave to go there and I never stopped DH from taking the DS - he refuses to take them. We had many fights over it as I am not well and the strain of caring and working without help has taken a toll. I would be overjoyed if he would take them along. He gets a 6 week break every year. I cannot even get 6 hours.

OP’s posts: |
Sanjii Mon 24-Aug-20 09:46:46

surprised that your sil manages to have enough AL with all the appointments and a child with severe ASD. With 20 days off, I just don't have enough left.

But thank you for your honest post. food for thought. Maybe I am unreasonable after all to want a break.

OP’s posts: |
HullabalooToo Mon 24-Aug-20 09:47:35

Don’t know what MrsZ is on about. Just because she and her sister face something remotely similar - has no bearing on your situation.

HullabalooToo Mon 24-Aug-20 09:52:05

Your husband sounds like a lazy sod tbh OP. Why can he not take his child to appointments? It’s because he wants to go on holiday instead. Might be due to cultural expectations re sex roles or not. Either way, you’re getting a very raw deal here.

MrsZ19 Mon 24-Aug-20 09:55:48

@HullabalooToo actually she ask for our options she got mine also we know What she is talking about due to the fact that my sisters little on has autism and her husband is from Afghanistan so often travels for family visits so pretty similar I would say Seem like you are the one here with no idea of the situation.
My sister is a house wife so doesn’t require al but you could still go out there for a couple of weeks you don’t need to take all your holiday to go

Peridot1 Mon 24-Aug-20 09:56:56

Going for 6 weeks every summer is ridiculous.

When he is here does he do anything?

I get the feeling not?

Sanjii Mon 24-Aug-20 10:01:02

My sister is a house wife

a house wife has in a single day more respite than I have in a year. you realise that? hmm

OP’s posts: |
waitingforadulthood Mon 24-Aug-20 10:03:30

Mrs- are you reading the ops responses? She clearly states that she has 20 days al. No more. She states that they are mostly taken up with appointments for her sn son. So no, she can't just go for a few weeks as doesn't have the annual leave?

Op to me it seems grossly unfair to leave you for so long, and I'm also curious if your dh does anything g to make life easier when he is there? Becaise the annual leave situation seems solvable if he is self employed and can just take days off willy nilly- he does the appointment and you save your annual leave so that you can all go? Is all of the caring and childcare left to you regardless of which country he's in?

MrsZ19 Mon 24-Aug-20 10:05:57

@Sanjii look I’m not here to argue with you or talk about who has more time to themselves lol you asked about your husband visiting his sick mum So I said you should be selfish and let him go sorry if you don’t like my answer but it’s fact

Sanjii Mon 24-Aug-20 10:06:04

My sister is a house wife so doesn’t require al but you could still go out there for a couple of weeks you don’t need to take all your holiday to go

I have 20 days AL. They go like that:

*5 days over Xmas

* 5 days inset days

*5 days for appointments

* and 5 days spread over the year during school holidays so I don't have to send the DC to holiday clubs all the time (I realise I am lucky to childminder for DS2).

but there aren't a couple of weeks left for me to go anywhere. If you don't understand the realities of caring and working, you shouldn't make these silly comments. There is not even a whole week. This summer I had 2 days off. 2 frigging days. That wouldn't even cover the travel time FFS.

OP’s posts: |
Sanjii Mon 24-Aug-20 10:08:31

Is all of the caring and childcare left to you regardless of which country he's in?

pretty much. but I am much better with it anyways... he doesn't have the patience, doesn't understand all the school stuff/EHCP/DLA/hospital appointments. It's my area and it will stay that way for the sake of DS2.

OP’s posts: |
MrsZ19 Mon 24-Aug-20 10:13:24

@Sanjii you seem to still missing the point his mum is going for surgery he should go and make sure she is ok.

DrMorbius Mon 24-Aug-20 10:16:46

it’s not a jolly holiday he is going to see his family

Err yes it is. He is going to have a jolly holiday without SN kids or any other responsibilities. He has done that year on year. Don't confuse going to look after his sick Mother once, with his annual jolly.

Leaving you for six weeks every year is truly terrible Op.

User45 Mon 24-Aug-20 10:16:47

OP you have much, much bigger issues than his looking after his mum.

It sounds like you do all the appointments and childcare with limited annual leave, even though he can work when he wants. And he refuses to understand the needs of his children or care enough to take them on.

Craftycorvid Mon 24-Aug-20 10:17:10

It’s not unreasonable for you to want and need a break. It’s not unreasonable for your partner to want to see his mum. What IS unreasonable is that there doesn’t seem any willingness to negotiate on your husband’s part. It also sounds like you and he have not had a break together in years and are on tramlines in respect of how things are done. Six weeks away in one block is a lot when you have a family; it would seem reasonable to stagger at least some of it in order to lessen the impact on you. If he can afford this much leave, can he afford paid support for you?

YummyInMyTummy Mon 24-Aug-20 10:17:52

@MrsZ19 but it’s fact what is fact?! The situations are different. If it’s so easy to go on holiday with a SN child then why can’t the OP’s husband take the two sons with his for the six weeks?!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Mon 24-Aug-20 10:18:09

He has responsibilities here too.

He has sisters who could help with caring for his Mum.

He chose to have kids, he can't just fuck off elsewhere for 6 weeks at a time leaving the op to do every bit of caring because he feels like it.

What do you actually get out of this marriage? You're doing everything alone and he buggers off whenever he pleases and you never get a break.

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 24-Aug-20 10:20:12

Completely at a tangent but - if your DH is self employed why are YOU using your AL to take your DS to all appointments? Why can't your DH take them?

Franklydear Mon 24-Aug-20 10:21:35

@Sanjii it is called intentional incompetence, he does it badly so you won’t ask him, same as with not sharing responsibility in any way, I also work ,with a sen child, it is hard, you need to be a team, with lockdown is been so much harder, you need some respite, you cannot pour from an empty cup, he shouldn’t want his wife in that situation.

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