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I have ruined my life

(180 Posts)
Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 21:56:53

I have been with dh 25 years, 15 years ago he had several affairs, I stayed because of young dc. He was useless with DC never helped at all. He also was financially controlling so I went back to work. I had wanted to leave for a long time, then I did something stupid and got friendly with a man from work. He emotionally supported me for a year, then I went on a date with him. He encouraged me to phone women’s aid get support etc. They told me dh was controlling and emotionally and financially sbusive. I stupidly started sleeping with other man after this while I planned to leave dh. Emotions grew, more so on his side. When lockdown eased we started to meet outside to talk, and in July I finally left my dh. I thought I would feel relief. Instead I’ve started noticing things about the other man I do not like, he is loud and opinionated and I think maybe a tad controlling. My poor dh doesn’t know what’s been going on. He wants to come back. I want him back. He said he has realised all his mistakes and will change. There is one problem. The other man knows where I live and said he will tell dh everything if I go back to him as he’s not standing my and letting me be abused again. I miss dh so much. I have created a huge mess. I feel like giving up on life but I cannot as I have children. This other man seemed like the answer but it’s created more problems. I genuinely feel dh can change. Me asking him to leave has been a huge shock to him and we both miss being a family

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Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 21:59:35

I do care for the other man but I just notice more and more things about him, I guess some red flags. My dh is a lot more gentle nature and I miss that and since we seoerated he has been trying so hard and seems so upset

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MitziK Sun 23-Aug-20 22:00:55

Oh, for heaven's sake, just dump the pair of them.

They're both arseholes.

Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:01:07

I miss having that family unit and struggle being on my own with the dc. Even though he didn’t do much it was nice just to have him around for atleast a little bit of support. Now I have nothing

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SandyY2K Sun 23-Aug-20 22:02:28

It's possible that both men could be abusive.

I think you need to tell your DH the truth otherwise you'll always be in fear this man could tell him.

Tell your DH...not worth a view of getting back...but because you should never give in to blackmail.

End the relationship and be on your own.

NorthOfTheRiver Sun 23-Aug-20 22:03:18

Firstly there is a way out of this. Dont use a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Yes it's clear that the OM is also controlling - blackmailing you essentially. But I think the solution would be to leave the OM, take the risk that he tells your DH but then deal with that if / when it comes. Personally I wonder if you are best with neither on your life. I understand that could be scary, but it may be the relief you need.

SandyY2K Sun 23-Aug-20 22:03:38

In fact both are abusive.

Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:03:51

And I know I won’t be able to dump other man easily. I tried at lockdown and he got so upset saying he hasn’t felt like this about anyone Before. I know he would just turn up on my doorstep

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Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:07:10

I am also worried both are abusive, it’s all such a mess of my own making. It’s giving me panic attacks and making me ill

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Notwiththeseknees Sun 23-Aug-20 22:09:57

Sweetheart, if you WANT to go back, go back. Unless there is DV, financial or emotional abuse, if you think you could make it work, go back. If it doesn't work out, you have lost nothing and will have no regrets. Your lover sounds like a narcissistic arsehole though - and they tend to be cowards, so don't worry.

Notwiththeseknees Sun 23-Aug-20 22:12:07

Sorry thanks I read your OP too quickly.

Both are arseholes, spend some time with friends and family and don't look back.

Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:13:28

My ex partner is a narcissist, well that is what my therapist told me and controlling and emotionally abusive. But while he has been gone he has admitted all of his problems and wants to start fresh and has been much more hands on with dc, transferring me money, working out a plan to get the relationship back on track. And I want that so much. I think other man was just friendship and sex, the more I get to know him I think he could be a worse option than my partner. I no go it alone is the answer but I don’t feel strong enough and I want to give my ex one more try

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SandyY2K Sun 23-Aug-20 22:13:44

Tell the other man you're not in a good place for a relationship after everything you've been through and you meet space to figure things out.

Then take the space and be alone for a while.

His response will tell you what kind of man he is.

Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:14:37

But feel I can’t as the other man will kick off if I end it and end up on my doorstep

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Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:15:52

sandy2k that was my plan for tonight but he messaged me first telling me that he misses me so I couldn’t bring myself to do it

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Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:16:16

I know his reply will be angry as I’ve tried to end it before

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Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:16:45

He has gave me a lot of support though so I also feel guilty

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justasmalltownmum Sun 23-Aug-20 22:17:37

I wouldn't want to live in fear of the OM telling DH.
So I would tell DH. And either work through it together or leave them both.

Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:19:49

DH would leave if he new, as I blamed this separation on him and he has still been paying all the bills and giving me extra help

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Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:20:12

I hate what I have done

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Peridodo Sun 23-Aug-20 22:23:36

I think you should tell DH about the other man, that way you are being honest with him and OM has no further hold over you. OM is showing he is trying to control you too, blackmail is not a basis for any kind of relationship.
Tell your DH you need space and time, why rush into getting back together? If after a break you both still want to try again, give it a go. But I would suggest couples counselling and DH would have to make permanent changes in his behaviour for it to work.

TenDays Sun 23-Aug-20 22:23:46


I know his reply will be angry as I’ve tried to end it before

Tells you all you need to know really. He can control you with his anger. You needn't put up with that.

Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:25:00

It’s like I’ve gone from one controlling man to another but I think this one could be worse. I’m sick with worry

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Lifeislikeaboxofchocolat Sun 23-Aug-20 22:25:31

If you get back with your ex, you need to be honest with him about what’s been going on between you and this other guy.
Personally I think you need to be on your own for a while, your relationship with your ex sounds unhealthy and you should concentrate on yourself and the kids for now. This could all get rather messy, be on your own and tell the new guy to back off.

Mylifeisamess0 Sun 23-Aug-20 22:25:33

Both are kind in there own ways and controlling in their own ways

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