I think I want a divorce. Is it the right decision?

[Crossroads22]

Hi all, looking for some advice / reassurance from others that have been through similar.

I'm 33 and have been with my partner for 12 years. We don't have children. For the last few months I have been really unhappy and it has reached a point where I am considering leaving. I feel like we have grown apart and are very different people to when we first met. I think being at home together so much during lockdown has brought things to a head. I cannot imagine spending the next 30 years living like this. We never go out or do anything fun (even before lockdown), every day looks exactly the same. I feel like we have become 2 people who just live together. He never initiates sex and it has got to the point where I don't anymore as I have been rejected by him way too many times. This has been particularly frustrating as we have supposed to be ttc. I wish I was joking when I say he would prefer to play video games then have sex with me. One day last week he spent 9 consecutive hours playing. It's not just sex but even little things like a hug or kiss are just completely lacking.

It hasn't been an easy year. My Mum died last year and we then had a MMC and havent been able to fall pregnant since (over 14 months). That took a toll. We have also had the stress of renovating a home we bought 3 years ago which is almost at an end now. I've reached a point where I am questioning if I want a child with him and almost feeling glad there isnt that added complication if we were to separate. I find myself resenting his mere prescence to me most days.

I am just so bored in my life and want more for myself. I was out with a friend the other night and a guy flirted with me. I did nothing, didn't even flirt back but it reminded me what it was like to feel desired in a way I haven't by my partner in so long.

I have communicated to him several times over the last few months how I feel but nothing ever changes. Tbh I can't even be bothered with relationship counselling as I would only be communicating the same thing but with an added financial cost.

But I am so scared of leaving him. We would have to sell the house as neither could afford to buy the other out. It has been my dream home and it is so painful to imagine leaving here and having to go backwards in life as I would only be able to afford something much smaller on my own. I'm also scared of starting my life over again at 33. I really want a family and fear that this will never happen to me starting over at this age. I guess I also fear being able to find someone who likes me and is okay being with someone who has been previously married. I'd never imagined being in the position having grown up with divorced parents I never wanted to get divorced myself. I've struggled with feeling like a failure throughout my life and the prospect of a failed marriage really reinforces that. I feel like I am rambling but I just don't know what to do anymore.

So I guess my question is, is there anyone out there who found themselves in a similar position to me? What did you do? Did it all work out? I feel so lost.

[category12]

I think now is the time to make a change. You still have enough time to start over, find someone else and have a family. It's more backwards to put a house above your longterm happiness.

But it might be worth having a bit of counselling on your own before you make the final decision - you've had a lot of loss to contend with .

[NorthOfTheRiver]

You say you've chatted with him.. how did they go? What was the outcome. Was he just not interested in changing ?

[Aquamarine1029]

Every single thing in your post is screaming that you need to end this marriage. You have one life. That's it, that's all you get. You've already sacrificed enough of your youth on a marriage that simply isn't enough for you. You don't have children to be concerned about, which is a HUGE advantage, and having children with him would be a disaster. As for the house, it's just a house. There will be other homes in your future.

Run, run, run. You know it's what you need to do. Don't wait another day, because all you'll have are regrets.

[AnnaLoch]

You are still plenty young enough to find a new love and to have children with them!!!

[Dery]

“Every single thing in your post is screaming that you need to end this marriage. You have one life. That's it, that's all you get. You've already sacrificed enough of your youth on a marriage that simply isn't enough for you. You don't have children to be concerned about, which is a HUGE advantage, and having children with him would be a disaster. As for the house, it's just a house. There will be other homes in your future.”

This.

[Crossroads22]

@NorthOfTheRiver it never amounts to anything. I'm often left feeling like he turns it all around on me and brings up things I do poorly at in our relationship. I'm not perfect, I hold my hands up but I think he fails to take responsibility for his stuff. He isn't great with emotions and whilst he was my rock after my Mum died and the MMC he doesn't understand why both are still so painful for me. For example, a close friend recently announced their pregnancy after very little time ttc. He couldn't understand why I found it so upsetting and why I couldn't immediately be happy for them (I am happy for the now but he expected me to just be fine straight away).

The thing that makes it hard to leave is he is not actually a bad person and in some ways he still is the person I fell in love with but we have both grown so much in the time we have been together. The last few months I have realised just how little interests we share. I don't expect him to be into everything I am but I do think it would be important for us to have one or two things we do enjoy as a couple which we just don't.

I know the house is just a house but I guess it is what it represents. Because the mortgage is still so high there would be very little equity to split between us and we live in an expensive area of the country and I would literally only be able to afford a one bed flat. Its just hard as I never imagined starting again at this point.

Although we don't have children we do have 3 cats and I would be devastated to be separated from them but I know that he would equally feel the same. It's just a huge mess.

[tornadoalley]

For goodness sake, don't bring a child into this. The situation will not change. Get out now while you are still young enough

[wonka1973]

Your not too young to start over. Im 46 and have a 6 year old daughter. I wish I could start over again but feel like its impossible, so I guess Im stuck with my husband, where we co-exist, but i dont feel like we are husband and wife any more. Life is passing me by. Sorry thats a bit of a ramble about me......I say go for it,.

[wonka1973]

I mean too old!

[candycane222]

The nine hours on the video game does if for me.

1. Is he doing it so as not to have to think about - and live - his "real" life? After nine hours, that looks like the reason to me..that's where his life is, at least as much - maybe more? - than with you.
   
   
2. imagine him expecting to, and continuing to, do this if you had a child. A short scout around Mumsnet will show you that that might well happen.

[Crossroads22]

@candycane222 he says it is his way of winding down and being social with friends. A couple hours I could get (although I would still find frustrating if daily). I have expressed concern about him doing that if we have a baby and his response is I am being unfair making assumptions about how he will be and thag he is only like this now because he has the time. I am almost certain nothing would change.

I actually put a stop to ttc for a couple of months and said we needed to work on us. At that point I did tell him I was questioning whether it was worth continuing. His response was "do you want to end it", nothing at all about why we should stay together

[candycane222]

Hmm. He doesn't exactly sound commited, does he? (Understatement!) Do you think he'd be relieved if you called it a day?