Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Annoyed at friend's behaviour(31 Posts)
I've known someone through a shared activity for around a year. I've never really met her husband before as he works away a lot. I was helping her take something to her house and she invited me in as it started to rain heavily.
Her husband rolled his eyes as he saw me. He was at the kitchen table on his computer. I've never met him before. He kept sighing loudly when I was talking and rolling his eyes. My friend offered me some coffee and I said no thanks as I don't really like coffee and her husband shouted: 'WELL I DO!!' and glared at me. He eventually disappeared.
I obviously felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave but it was pouring so I had to wait for the rain to ease up as I was walking home.
When I got back, my friend sent me a text thanking me for my help and support and saying that I no longer needed to look after their dogs. She'd asked me to stay at their place and look after the dogs while she was away which I had agreed to. I said ok.
About a week later I sent her a text, asking if she was still coming to an event I had booked tickets for. She said yes and we just carried on from there.
A month or so later, she invited me to an event, related to our shared activity and I went. Her husband turned up and ignored me. I saw that my friend felt uncomfortable so I said hello to him and tried to keep things light. Later I sat next to him and we got talking. I was really trying to make the effort to move past what had happened.
The next time I saw her she said, 'You seemed to get getting along very well with my husband the other night.' Insinuating that I was doing something wrong like flirting with him. I was really shocked as I had done no such thing. I was just trying to be friendly, she was there at the time as we were all sitting around a table.
I don't know what to do here.
They both sound like way to much hard work.
I would let things die tbh.
If she approaches you then have a chat, but it doesn't sound like she will listen to a thing you say.
He sounds batshit crazy btw, so you may be lucky escaping before things get worse between you.
So how did you answer that?
He sounds awful and possibly trying to isolate her from people but he might just be a dick.
Why was he rolling his eyes and sighing at you? He sounds extremely rude.
<Misses point of thread>
They both sound tedious. That said does the husband have nowhere else he can WFH? I'd try to suck up my annoyance at 2 people wandering into my workspace having a conversation but it would be annoying.
Did she ever address his rude and weird behaviour towards you?
He wasn't working from home, it was a Saturday and he was on his laptop online shopping. He was talking to her about what he was buying.
I didn't say anything when she said that. I didn't know what to say and it came completely out of the blue. I was stunned. There wasn't anywhere else for me to sit anyway as all the other chairs were taken. I could have just sat there and ignored him I suppose. It's better than being accused of trying to sleep with him.
I've no idea why he was rolling his eyes and sighing. We were talking about her dogs and a recent visit to the vet.
Sorry don't know how to reply individually.
No. She didn't ever mention it. The text she sent me when I got home came across as her cutting me off. Summing up our relationship (thanks for all the support - I was helping her through serious ill health for a while) then telling me not to look after the dogs.
Well, the husband is pig ignorant and it sounds likes she’s used to it and thinks it’s normal, given she must know he’s like this but still invited you in.
Her reaction to you making an effort at the event is downright odd although I find it just as odd when a person quite literally doesn’t speak any words in response to what she said to you . I mean just HOW do you completely ignore that and continue on with the evening?
Anyway, you’re on notice that they’re an odd pair so you’d do well to cool the friendship and just limit it to the shared activity.
I wouldn’t bother going to any events with her or offering to help with dogs etc. Keep contact to a minimum. Nothing good will come from trying to make sense of this.
What was I meant to say? I'm not very good at confrontation. I didn't expect her to come out with something like that. I was completely unprepared for her to accuse me of flirting with him. I think I just said something like yes we were talking about such and such and ignoring what she was implying.
I think there is a weird dynamic between them and none if this has anything to so with you. I would just stay well away. It's a shame but you're clearly not going to be able to have a normal friendship with this woman.
I wonder if he doesn’t like her having friends so told her that you’d been flirting with him as a way to drive a wedge between you. Sounds like some distance from them might be a good idea anyway.
Do you think that’s what he told her? That you were flirting? I’m guessing he’s manipulative, as well as having no manners. Steer clear.
She was sitting next to him so could see I wasn't flirting with him. We were talking about refugees and then something about IT. I wasn't asking him the colour of his underpants.
How strange and rude of them both.
There's probably some weird dynamic between them both and you got caught up in it. I wouldnt bother with them further tbh.
It honestly sounds like her DH has deliberately told her you were flirting so that she'd end the friendship.
You said that you'd been supportive of her through her illness, did she ever say whether her DH was supportive ?
Why were you supposed to be looking after their dogs ? Is it because they have no-one else to ask i.e family or long term friends ?
I'd be thinking it's the husband wanting to control his wife TBH. Did she ever let slip any red flag behaviours of his ?
id cool it off with her. Her husband is rude and makes you feel awkward, and now shes done the same. Weirdos. They probably dont have friends for good reason
It's not "confrontation" when someone says something to you that's weird or confusing or out of left field and you respond to it. It's just further conversation.
It is hard to do, for sure, but in those moments, say "Wait, what?" or "Do what?" or "Why do you say that?" or "Seriously? - just have a generic response at the ready instead of ignoring it or laughing it off or whatever. Keep the conversation going by bouncing it back. Took me years to learn this - and now I can do it without my heart racing.
And they are weird - he probably doesn't want her having friends or she spoke negatively about you to him so he's prejudice against you - something.
It is confrontation when someone is being confrontational. She obviously wanted an argument about it. We were in a public place and I chose to keep the peace and pretend I didn't know what she was saying.
She has a bad temper and doesn't like being challenged. She asked me why I didn't like a certain kind of music once and I told her why and she demanded that we stop talking about it. It was quite aggressive and I got the impression that she was losing her temper. I didn't want an argument in a quiet bar.
Her husband is always working away. He wasn't around much when she was undergoing treatment. Her parents have passed away and her family aren't particularly close to where we are, I live near her. About a ten or so minute walk. It would have been easy for me to stay for a few days at her place to look after the dogs.
They've been together since they were teenagers. Maybe he felt as though I am infringing on their relationship or something as she doesn't really seem to know anyone else. He travels overseas a lot for his job though so I'm not sure what she's meant to do. But if he does, that's between them and has nothing to do with me.
I don't know if he's abusive. He's an arsehole and I don't find him attractive at all, quite the opposite. I felt put out because I was making the effort in very difficult circumstances and was accused of something I didn't do. That's what was most upsetting about it. I was doing it for her benefit.
The husband sounds potentially abusive/controlling. Like he didn't approve of his wife being friends with you, and pressured her to cut ties.
The bit with the coffee sounds very narcissistic and possessive ("how dare my wife give any attention to someone else, what about me?")
However, the second incident suggests the wife too may have issues (weirdly possessive/jealous). This may be a result of the husband's abusive/controlling behaviour (maybe he was deliberately trying to make her feel "threatened" by engaging with you, in a way he knew would wind her up). Or maybe she's always been a weirdo and they deserve each other.
In any case... Avoid?