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NC: relationship advice sought please(8 Posts)
NC for this.
DP & I together 5 years with a 1yr old. Lived abroad for the first 4 years and have moved country in the last year.
Due to get married next year.
Since having DS and discussing wedding plans MIL has, IMO become completely overbearing( I’m open to being told I’m wrong MN).
Not long after DS arrived, MIL insisted on a visit and spent the entire time telling us what to do with DS, how she knew it all from her own kids, sat there drinking tea, talking about how easy CS recovery is etc (I was two weeks post CS and probably overdoing it as it was but was made to feel like I should be doing more).
Re the wedding- MIL tells who we have to invite, what roles her family (immediate and extended) should have. How upset she’ll be if we don’t do as she says etc etc. DP siblings also very opinionated on wedding, what we should do etc. Regarding DS, they don’t listen to me when I say ‘DS is tired now, needs a lie down’ or ‘please wash your hands before holding DS’ or ‘please put out your arms to DS and he will reach out if he wants to go to you’...all of this is ignored. Simultaneous we get pressured to visit more but I just dread it.
I’m drained with it all really. Moving country, being on maternity leave, having very little social interaction...no parent groups etc since Covid means I’m struggling.
Every now and then I explode and rant about MIL to DP which isn’t helpful I know but can’t help it. Today DP says he doesn’t think we should proceed with wedding at this time as I seem unhappy with everything.
I’m not sure How to proceed.
Thanks for reading
Is there a culture clash here OP?
You said you moved country, was that to be in your partner's home country?
That might just be how things happen there. The MIL may be the one who organises everything for weddings in that particular culture. Are they paying for it?
In some cultures, the MILs experience and age is respected and you would be expected listen and take advice.
Have you thought about moving away?
@namechange12a Thanks for replying.
No we’re actually both from the same country and returned there, albeit to a different area. MIL not contributing at all to cost of wedding, well other than adding to it!
Sorry hit send to soon.
Yes I have thought about moving again as I felt free before if that makes sense. Now I feel bogged down with guilt and pressure
I don't really know what to suggest OP. You've spoken to your partner about these problems, which are understandable, and his response is to call off the wedding. He hasn't spoken to his mother or suggested any other strategies for making things better for you.
Your only option is to take matters in your own hands and tell her to butt out which will cause friction.
It's really your husband who needs to take the lead on this, as it's his mother. He needs to have your back and listen to you as you're obviously struggling. The plus, is that you're not married, so it's easier to extricate yourself from the situation.
I would call off the wedding until this is resolved one way or another. In the meantime, I would start to build up my support network. Don't go with your partner when he visits his parents, let him take the baby himself. Perhaps consider moving nearer to your friends and family so that you're not so isolated.
Congratulations on your little bundle of joy, by the way. Sounds as though you've had no time to really enjoy motherhood.
You say that you blow up at DP from time to time, but have you sat down and actually discussed your issues with him?
You need to be more assertive with MIL. When she informs you that you should do something you don't want to, give her a firm no. You don't need to explain yourself of argue your corner, it's your life, not hers.
Same with other in-laws. If they aren't respecting you when it comes to your child, put your foot down. Take the baby off them. Restate what you have already said. If they don't get it the first time, they will get it eventually.
I think your fiancé is sensible in wanting to postpone the wedding until you have established your boundaries and are more happy with the family dynamic.
Thanks both for your replies.
You’re both right that the wedding should be off the table for the foreseeable.
I think where we fundamentally disagree is that I usually confront what I’m faced with, whereas DP will tend to ignore in the hope it dissipates.
I have tried many times to discuss but DP just gets uncomfortable and either gets a lucky distraction (eg DS) or will visibly distract himself and shut down and the conversation stops. I’m just broken, sounds dramatic I know but it’s how I feel
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