Between a rock and a hard place

[Cdm2020]

Looking for advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation.

I threw my partner out yesterday after he lost his temper at me in front of our 1 year old. His temper has been bad in the past but he’s managed to keep things together recently, using breathing techniques etc to calm himself down. Until yesterday. He went crazy over something very trivial, his shouting caused DD to get a fright and start crying - he slammed back door so hard the casing of it fell off. He then took our wheelie bin which was out for collection and threw it (and contents) all over the lawn. Humiliating having to pick it all up in front of neighbours.

I am probably still in shock, and dont quite understand why he lost it like that (never seen him as bad before, previously been shouting/verbal aggression). I know I’ve done the right thing and no way I want my baby exposed to this.

My problem is now how do I go forward with DD? I start work again soon (part time 4 days). Plan was she would go to nursery in the mornings I am working. Partner works nights and he would watch her in afternoons. I will be working from home. We don’t have any help from relatives.

I’m at a loss what to do now. I don’t feel comfortable her being alone with him, what if he has another rage in front of her or worse, at her. I can’t afford full days at nursery now I am alone, or a childminder.
At least if he was here I could have kept an eye on things whilst I work from home. But now I’ve ended it I know he will want to take her to his place rather than look after her here. I don’t want to end up taking him back purely so I can be here whilst he watches her. Was also feeling happy about our arrangement as I’d get to see DD in the afternoons when I took breaks from work etc.
Going back to work is daunting enough but add in all the stresses of Corona, I don’t want to give up time with her four days a week. I feel like I can’t win here.

[RandomMess]

Phone up and make a UC as a single parent, phone up CMS and start a claim. You will get help with childcare costs so increase we nursery place accordingly.

Short term do you have any savings whilst the UC comes through as it takes 5 weeks I believe.

[Cdm2020]

Thanks I’ve already looked into benefits etc, I’d get around £30 a week UC. One day at nursery is £60. You don’t get any childcare costs covered until kids are older (please correct me if I’m wrong)

[RandomMess]

Yes will be entitled up to 85% of childcare costs paid in arrears from UC.

[RandomMess]

Have you gone onto entitledto website?

Are you renting, have you put in your rent costs etc as a single parent?

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

If you want to protect her, then somebody needs to know about his nasty temper. I don't know if police is the way forward, but I would certainly speak to your HV or someone and ask what the best way forward is with this.

If any of your neighbours saw/heard what happened that would be helpful too, although embarrassing for you to have to ask.

You know you're doing the right thing, but the practicalities may take some time to work out.

Try and get some proper advice on the UC/childcare issue, because that can't be right. Plenty of single mums have to work full time and pay for childcare for babies and toddlers. I know there are the free hours that children are entitled to later on, but there was always a childcare element to working tax credits, which UC replaced, so there must be provision for that, as nobody was supposed to be worse off moving from one to the other. (Plenty of people are worse off btw, due to the timings and management of UC, but the actual structure and levels of payment should be similar)

[Cdm2020]

Thanks all, I’ll look into it further. Supposing I get that side of it sorted out though. Surely that means he will be entitled to see her on weekends? So I will have to work four days a week not seeing her, and then hand her over to him? The same issue remains that I’d rather she wasn’t in his company alone, at least until he gets some form of help/medication/counselling.

[category12]

The neighbours presumably can confirm the bin-throwing etc? I would involve authorities so you'll have their support.

I would look to have supervised contact - could a parent or relative of his facilitate?

Staying with him doesn't protect your dc - she's already witnessing things she shouldn't. You can provide a safe environment only if he's not there.

[Cdm2020]

@RandomMess yes that £30 is the entitledto calculation. I have a large mortgage which is where most of my earning go. Longer term I’ll have to move somewhere cheaper but it just isn’t possible right now and I have no equity in my home and in significant debts (due to corona, no income on Mat leave etc). All of this was manageable with two incomes but alone I am making ends meet at best. On paper it looks like I earn a good wage, so UC benefits are minimal.

[Beachbodylonggone]

Personally I would wait until a judge deems him suitable to have a toddler unsupervised.....

[YouUnlockedTheGateAnd]

No,he,isn’t,entitled to see her weekends, that’s for you (or a judge) to decide.


The starting point for situations where one parent does tha majority care in the home with the kids, is the non resident parent gets every other weekend, plus one weeknight. It would be blatantly unfair for the resident parent to never,get a weekend day with their own child.

[RandomMess]

If he doesn't work then he can have her on your working days IF he is deemed ok to look after her.

It would only be EOW anyway there is no obligation for you to allow contact every weekend unless court ordered.

Sounds like you need to sell your house ASAP.

[category12]

Get advice on your debt with Stepchange or similar, and see if you can have your payments reduced or rearranged.

[updownroundandround]

Make an urgent appointment with citizens advice and phone a domestic violence help number ( so they can advise you and to have his anger issues 'on the record').

I know things have changed since I was in your position (except I had 2 DC, 1 infant and a 3yr old). I had to stop work and go on benefits as I couldn't pay increased childcare costs. I also had debts (car finance etc) and wasn't sure what to do.

I went to citizens advice, who contacted my creditors to stop them 1. adding interest and 2. contacting me directly. (they could only send letters c/o citizens advice).

I ended up declaring bankruptcy as I had no prospect paying them off. However I did end up better off, believe it or not.

There IS a way forward, and with the help of citizens advice etc, you WILL find it.

[updownroundandround]

Oh, and he is NOT entitled to ANY child access unless it's been agreed via a solicitor between you both or court ordered.

You definitely want his anger issues recorded so you can push for 'supervised' access so he is not a potential danger to your DC.

Just read my PP, and it sounds like I'm encouraging you to stop work etc

I'm not. I'm just giving you an example of how I managed to find a way forward when I couldn't see it. THB, without the help I got, I would've ended up in a much worse position with bailiffs at the door etc and probably huge mental health issues with the worry too.

[TippledPink]

To say he is not entitled to any access unless agreed by a solicitor is incorrect. If he is on the birth certificate he has as many 'rights' as you, although it is about your child's rights really. You could refuse for him to see her and he would have to apply to court, but equally he could do the same to you and you would have to apply to court.

[Beachbodylonggone]

Op hasn't lost her temper, frightened her dc or flung a wheelie bin.
See a solicitor, take steps to protect your dc.

[Cdm2020]

Thanks everyone. It’s all a bit overwhelming at the moment, literally two days ago I was looking forward to the future, everything was sorted for me going back to work where I could still see my LO most days. Talking about a wedding etc. We had our issues but had gotten over a particularly rocky patch. Survived lockdown, two redundancies, health issues and having no money all with a new baby. I’m just so angry and disappointed now, how can I overlook this? I can’t.
He has an older DD from a previous relationship, him and his ex hate each other and I’ve seen first hand the profound effect on the DD.
I really want to avoid this for my DD, which is why I didn’t go to the police yesterday. I don’t know how to navigate this without him and his family hating me, resulting in a hospitable environment for my child.

@updownroundandround thank you I will try citizens advice to see what my options are here.