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Left husband

(18 Posts)
Harderlife Sun 23-Aug-20 10:38:22

Following a disagreement yesterday I got up the morning and have gone to my sisters with my children
I feel bad and have ended up apologising to DP. Feel so guilty for going
I’m not sure why I’m posting, just feel so lost

OP’s posts: |
London1001 Sun 23-Aug-20 10:41:44

Well just remember I am sure you didn’t do it lightly and had spent many days thinking about it. I doubt many people leave their partners easily but at the end of the day you have one life and a cornerstone of that is being in a loving and fulfilling relationship- end of.

Always remember things will get bettersmile

funnylittlefloozie Sun 23-Aug-20 10:49:50

How long are you planning to stay at your sisters? Use the time to do some thinking. Were you running for your life, or just having a flounce ( a 'disagreement' could be anything from an argument over bringing in the washing, to GBH with a weapon pointed at you).

Bunnymumy Sun 23-Aug-20 10:53:04

Consider your reasons for being angry/hurt with him - were they fair? I suspect he must have been a bit of a dick for it to be so bad that you left?
(Assuming you arent an angry nutball who storms out of houses for no reason).

Also consider if you have a history of forgiving for the sake of a quiet life? Without him even apologising. Or even though he will probably repeat the behaviour.

If he acted hurtfully and isnt sorry - why are you the one apologising and feeling guilty? It sounds like you've been brainwashed op. Or are suffering from codependency issues.

If someone hurts you and insults and disrespected you, you have every right to feel hurt and disrespected and remove them from your life accordingly.

OP dont forgive or make out it was your issue 'for a quiet life' because you will never have one with someone who treats you badly.

You respected yourself and left. Good on you. Dont be a chicken now. Be brave.

category12 Sun 23-Aug-20 10:54:04

Must have been pretty bad to leave.

Why have you apologised? Do you think you were wrong, or do you always end up apologising no matter what?

What do you want to happen now?

Harderlife Sun 23-Aug-20 11:22:19

He’s an alcoholic and controlling
There was a minor disagreement and he went out as planned so I packed a bag and left this morning
Now I feel bad, shouldn’t have took the girls and just feel wretched
I feel like I’ve been building up to this but now feel I’ve made a real mistake

OP’s posts: |
Harderlife Sun 23-Aug-20 11:23:54

It really was minor; just felt like the straw that broke the camels back

OP’s posts: |
Harderlife Sun 23-Aug-20 11:24:08

I always end up apologising

OP’s posts: |
bigchris Sun 23-Aug-20 11:26:01

You've done the right thing

Alcohol will always come first in his life

bigchris Sun 23-Aug-20 11:26:32

Are you feeling string enough to not go back ?

Bunnymumy Sun 23-Aug-20 11:29:08

It was bit a mistake. Going back would be a mistake. Leaving your kids around an alcoholic would be a mistake.

Think about what you are saying op. You have daughters and think raising them.with a controlling alcoholic is good for them? If you go back, you are teaching them that women should be ok being treated horribly. Infact,that when someone treats them bad they should just accept it.

Is that what you want for their future?

You did well leaving. Now look into how you can stay away successfully. Speaking to woman's aid would be a good start.

Bunnymumy Sun 23-Aug-20 11:29:40

*It wasn't a mistake

category12 Sun 23-Aug-20 12:18:46

No, it wasn't a mistake to take the children, it's the right thing to do.

It's scary to have taken this step, but you have good reason. Don't let him guilt you.

Harderlife Sun 23-Aug-20 16:55:56

Thanks all.
I just don’t understand why after all the hurt etc I feel so guilty and have ended up apologising profusely
I don’t think I have the strength at all

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Sun 23-Aug-20 17:04:58

Because he has manipulated you into feeling like you have no right to have a problem with his horrible behaviour.

You have every right. Your feelings are valid.

You have every right not to be treated distespectufully, cruely and with no regard for your feelings.

You have every right to want a safe and loving home for you and your children.

But he doesnt want you to know that. He diesnt want you to have these rights. So he manipulates you into feeling in the wrong for voicing them.

He has conditioned you to only consider Igis nerds,his desires,his moods.

What do you want op?
What do your children deserve?

To be happy, free from tyranny and abuse?
To not have to spend your whole lives feeling like you are wrong for wanting these basic human rights?

Then take action.
Because if you dont, no one will. No one will save you from him. You have to find the strength to save yourself.

You are not a bad person. You matter. You are worthy of love.

He is bad and cruel and empty and a liar. His every word is poison.

You can do this. You've already taken the first step. You're out! You've got this.

Bunnymumy Sun 23-Aug-20 17:06:48

*his needs (is it me or does Igis nerds sound like a good band name?)

Harderlife Sun 23-Aug-20 18:42:15

Believe it or not I’m an intelligent woman with a professional job (albeit part time) but I just feel so confused
FaceTimed him so he could see the kids and was chatty- why do I do this? I’ve made plans to see solicitor etc but I’m not feeling guilty, FaceTiming and sending apology messages
I worry it is me, that I am making a big deal out of nothing with the drinking. Does he consciously manipulate do you think or doesn’t realise
I feel like I’ve blown my chance by my own pathetic-ness
If I was reading these posts I’d think get a grip but it is hard, so painfully hard

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sun 23-Aug-20 18:49:40

It's hard to leave controlling men, I mean, not to be too facetious I hope, but that is the pretty much the definition and aim of controlling behaviour. To keep you there, under the boot. He makes you feel like you can't leave and manipulates you emotionally to make you stay and tolerate his shitty treatment, and it's kind of addictive and you can't see your way out.

You haven't blown anything. It often takes more than one attempt to leave someone like this.

You can do this.

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