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Drives me mad - "I'll let you know when I'm free"

(55 Posts)
hammie46i Sun 23-Aug-20 05:10:31

I wondered if I am being unreasonable about this. Would appreciate some advice as to whether you think I'm being uptight and need to chill out, or if this is unreasonable.

Me and BF arrange to meet on a certain day, at mine or at his. He is always resistant to setting a time. Instead he says "I'll let you know when I'm free" then I have to wait by the phone for him to let me know when to come round or when he's going to show up. I know roughly whether it's going to be late afternoon or evening or whatever, he just can't ever give a time.

As someone who has a busy professional life where I'm used to things being scheduled in, it annoys me no end.

He has a little one that he sees 3 days a week and has at the weekend so sometimes things don't go to plan and he will be late so he doesn't like setting times for that reason.

Part of me just feels like switching the damn phone off on the days he wants to see me so he realises he needs to be arranging an actual time, even if it's one that's later than he thinks he'll be free.

I feel like I can't get into anything, whether it be a book, a task, the housework, a phone call with someone else, because I never know when he's going to show up or want me to go round.

OP’s posts: |
chardonm Sun 23-Aug-20 05:14:03

Just make yourself a little unavailable. You don't have to shut off your phone, but if you've started something, just tell him you'll finish that before he can pop round. Or if you're on the phone with a friend, return his call once you're done.

GinisLife Sun 23-Aug-20 05:14:45

I'd be doing my own thing and not even considering him and being available in my own time. I certainly wouldn't be sitting around waiting for him to snap his fingers !!

Anordinarymum Sun 23-Aug-20 05:18:15

or better still talk to the guy and tell him how you feel ?

Saltyauntiepoop Sun 23-Aug-20 05:23:49

Ultimate non-commital. This would be the sort of person people with an unsecure attachment would develop a codependent relation with.. the chaser and the chasee.. giving you crumbs to keep you hoping. They lead you up the path to nowhere...

It's easy for others to just say so carry on with your life and don't wait.. which is true.. but for someone like the above who craves the security, reliability and consistent respect and affection while not really believing they deserve them, will be mirroring the sort of attachment style they say growing up with their significant carer (parent?) and repeating it as adults in relationships.

This is who your bf is and you are right to be annoyed by it but the real question is now what? What are you going to do about it? Why does his inability to commit and lack of availability having such a freezing, disabling hold on you?

HollyBollyBooBoo Sun 23-Aug-20 05:34:49

This would drive me nuts! He's basically saying his life is far more important than yours and when he's got a spare moment he'll be with you. You are worth so much more than that!

I'd be tempted to not make any more plans and see if he bothers, it sounds like this relationship might just fizzle out.

PlanDeRaccordement Sun 23-Aug-20 05:35:17

Well neither of you is being unreasonable. When you have a small child (or more) it can be almost impossible to be on time for anything and they often upend plans entirely.
But I agree that general things like “afternoon” or calling when finally about to get to yours is too vague. I’d ask for a window of say, “I’ll be round between 2 and 3pm” with the understanding that he can text or call if something happens which makes this impossible.

disappointingdessert Sun 23-Aug-20 05:36:13

Why are you accepting his crumbs? Lots of people have kids and still manage to organise themselves.

I'd tell him to set up actual times or don't bother seeing me again. I certainly wouldn't be waiting around until he decides!

0DimSumMum0 Sun 23-Aug-20 05:38:17

I wouldn't be able to live like that. I'd get on with your own life and when he eventually calls you when he is free, if you are busy, tough! I wouldn't be waiting by the phone! Like one of the other poster says you have to make yourself more unavailable.

Piddy68 Sun 23-Aug-20 05:40:29

At the end of the day the current way of doing things is not working for you. If you keep "rolling over" as it were then there's no boundaries and if you allow him to keep doing this then that's on you. He should know better but hey ho. Set your limits, set your standards and if he cares about you then he'll listen. If not then you know where you stand. If something is bothering you then let him know.....it can't be all one way.

Do not put your life on hold for him.

Anordinarymum Sun 23-Aug-20 05:40:49

Bloody hell. Line the bastard up and shoot him

Catsup Sun 23-Aug-20 05:48:21

Does he also arrange appointments with his boss, GP, and dentist on a 'I'll get there when I'm avaliable', basis? Or would they be saying, 'well, that's good for you but you won't be seen'?. Come on! He's got you dangling on a string! And the child is a bloody red herring! He has set days, yes things do crop up unexpectedly. But not every bloody day!

DancingCatGif Sun 23-Aug-20 05:52:26

You are not a priority for him. Only you can decide whether you're ok with that.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 23-Aug-20 06:33:16

That would drive me nuts and is completely abnormal and unacceptable. There's not reason why he can't say 'between 3 and 4', or 'I'll aim for 8, could be 8.30'.

You should get on with your own stuff and tell him e.g. 'early evening? Ok, I'll expect you between 6 and 7. After that I've got X I'll be getting on with, you can let yourself in and I'll catch up with you later'. Or 'dinner is at Y time. If you want me to make some for you, I need to know by z time. otherwise, come after.'

Or just dump his sorry ass.

ivykaty44 Sun 23-Aug-20 06:36:39

Jyst say
That doesn’t work for me

So either set a time later or leave us meeting to another night when you’re free

Coffeecak3 Sun 23-Aug-20 06:42:07

No. Don’t accept this. He thinks his time is obviously more important than yours so you’re not an equal in this relationship.

CutCopyPastedLikeYou Sun 23-Aug-20 06:52:15

My last relationship ended because of this issue. Don't put up with it. It just makes you more and more miserable and resentful over time.

Whenwillthisbeover Sun 23-Aug-20 06:52:31

This is odd, you need to speak.
Him “well get together Tuesday”
You “might be busy, what time were you thinking.”
Him “I can’t give a time as I don’t know where I’ll be”
You “let’s forget Tuesday then, I’m not waiting in all day for you to honour me with your presence”

fwwaftp Sun 23-Aug-20 06:53:40

I spent 5 years with someone like this. Never again.
His time was more important than mine.
No amount of talking about it made any difference whatsoever. Yes, I should have dumped him earlier but I wanted the relationship to work and I wanted to keep trying as he had some plausible excuses.
But when it came down to it he did not value my time, nor could he appreciate that hanging around waiting for someone to turn up is really annoying.
He just said you can get on with something else. So easy to say, but if someone says they are coming in the afternoon and then don't actually turn up until 8 pm, that's 6 hours of wasted time when I could have gone out to meet friends, gone for a swim, whatever.

I would suggest that you start setting a time on when he can turn up. Eg. tell him he can come at 7pm because you are busy before that then plan to do something until 7pm. If he then doesn't turn up until later at least you haven't wasted hours waiting for him.
You could also try talking to him and saying that he needs to give you an approx time and explain why - eg. having to sit around waiting for him is a waste of your precious time and you can't get on with other things if you have no idea of approx. when he is going to turn up.

However, I personally think this will be a never-ending story. You say he is "resistant" to setting a time. That word in itself is very telling. He's "resistant". He doesn't want to. It doesn't mean he can't set a time. He wants to do whatever he wants to do without commitment and then show up at yours at whatever time happens to be convenient to him when he has finished doing his more important things in his time which is more important than yours.

Give him one chance to shape up OP and then if he doesn't get rid to avoid years of this carry on.

SoloMummy Sun 23-Aug-20 06:54:17

@hammie46i
You may have a professional busy job, but a partner is not a job and is irrelevant, beyond it possibly being stifling to have to constantly commit to specific times.
Part of down time for us is not having times to adhere to unlike on routine days.
He's given you a ballpark of when. You either
1.accept this,
2.push for times and risk him disliking the controlling of his time to that extent.
3. Go to him at your planned time.
4. Agree a more loose time of evening if you're also done. You shouldn't be putting your life on hold-though that's a choice I think many of us when we've no children make... But shouldn't have!

Friendsoftheearth Sun 23-Aug-20 06:55:24

Sitting by a phone waiting for him to snap his fingers? Er, no way.

He either commits to a time or he doesn't see you. He doesn't get to 'let you know when he is free' how humiliating! You are not a paid service.

If he can't even do that I would honestly call it a day. He thinks he is more important than you at the moment, I am not sure I would want to be with someone like that, the chances are he is like this in other areas of your relationship. His needs always trumping yours.

SoloMummy Sun 23-Aug-20 06:55:39

@hammie46i
Also, his resistance re tomes, is that because you then "kick off" if he's late or changes it?

emilybrontescorsett Sun 23-Aug-20 06:59:22

I couldn't live like this. Id tell him, no if you can't make x time we will see each other next week. You don't seem to be a priority to him.

Oct18mummy Sun 23-Aug-20 07:01:36

Yep as everyone has already said don’t let it happen. Make yourself unavailable and don’t accept it.

speakout Sun 23-Aug-20 07:06:25

He doesn't sound very keen OP.

I wou;dn't be haning around wiating for lover boy to phone.
My time is far too valuable - to me.
If he wants to see you he needs to try harder.

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