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Is there a name for this behaviour?

(29 Posts)
JulietteLeGall Sat 22-Aug-20 23:45:29

I don’t know if I am being a bit crazy or even if this will make any sense.

Example: I want to go and see a friend. DH is annoyed for what he perceives to be justified reasons. Gives me quite a bit of grief over it (sulking, saying I’m being selfish etc.). The details and the rights and wrongs of this isn’t the point, the problem is that DH will then make a grand gesture to help facilitate me going to see my friend. For example, buying an expensive bottle of wine to take with me, usually always something financial and never practical - as in helping with the DC - and will still be in a strop. So he would hand the wine over but would say something negative at the same time, like I would say ‘you shouldn’t have’ and he would say ‘there’s a lot I shouldn’t do’.... and then the following day when trying to unpick the ‘argument’ we had about it he will fall back on ‘but I bought you the wine to take so obviously I didn’t have a problem with you going’

I’m not sure if that even makes sense but this is something that happens a lot.

OP’s posts: |
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sat 22-Aug-20 23:48:08

It's gaslighting. You know he doesn't want you to go out, but he does things like buying wine to make you doubt yourself.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

Dollyrocket Sat 22-Aug-20 23:50:19

Sounds quite passive aggressive and like he’s trying to wrongfoot you.

00Sassy Sat 22-Aug-20 23:52:34

Ahh yes, that bollocks is part of what led to my divorce.
He would be so annoyed that I’d arranged a night out without him, even though he had no problem arranging a night out for himself without me.
He eventually started accusing me of going on my nights out so that I could get off with other men.
It did my head in and I couldn’t stand the constant accusations.
Turns out he was cheating on his nights out of course hmm

Windmillwhirl Sat 22-Aug-20 23:52:51

He sounds really needy and then realises he has come across as a needy drip so tries to make it up to you but really is still annoyed you are going out and can't help himself, hence the snide remark.... that would be my take

HollowTalk Sat 22-Aug-20 23:59:06

He thinks your friend will think he's great for buying lovely wine and won't believe you when you criticise him.

HotPenguin Sun 23-Aug-20 00:00:49

It's being a martyr isn't it, he's saying " no, no, you go and enjoy yourself with this expensive wine and leave me in my pit of misery"

He knows it would be unreasonable to say don't go out so he does this martyr act instead?

JulietteLeGall Sun 23-Aug-20 00:03:57

I did wonder about gaslighting. I’m constantly doubting myself.

OP’s posts: |
backseatcookers Sun 23-Aug-20 00:10:01

Gaslighting / passive aggressive / manipulative / controlling / martyr / being a cunt. Or all of the above.

Lillygolightly Sun 23-Aug-20 00:13:44

He absolutely does have a problem with you going, knows that this unreasonable so instead makes it hard for you go instead all the while trying to look supportive or like he is facilitating you having a good time but is in fact doing all he can’t to sabotage/ruin it.

Beachbodylonggone Sun 23-Aug-20 00:19:32

Twatism.
My exh suffered from it a lot.
Ex..

sadie9 Sun 23-Aug-20 01:24:43

Yeah the fancy wine is so you will tell the friend he bought it.
If he can't get your attention or can't control you then he has to insert himself into your dealings with the friend.
He controls you via him deciding what wine you will drink.

Notapheasantplucker Sun 23-Aug-20 01:28:21

Twatty behaviour

allinadaystwerk Sun 23-Aug-20 01:34:04

Arseholitis that's what it is. My ex had a chronic case.
Dont mean to be flippant op but the manipulative controlling and childish behaviour is just not on. Dont put up with it. Get wise

Antibles Sun 23-Aug-20 01:36:19

The whole thing is emotional abuse. The wine thing is so he can gaslight you.

Look up grey rock technique for taking the wind out of his stupid abusive sails.

Enough4me Sun 23-Aug-20 01:45:12

My ex would seem to be in a mood & I'd ask him what was wrong, he'd say it was me being weird as he was happy. Next day we'd have a lovely day and I would say so, he'd correct me to say it was a bad day and his life was miserable.

I'd have to work so hard to try to have a normal life and to try to find what he would like, but what he really liked was me feeling I was wrong.

When you see contradictory and controlling behaviour it isn't you, it is 100% him abusing you. Honestly, get out, keep your sanity!

AFitOfTheVapours Sun 23-Aug-20 08:46:12

I don’t know whether you need a name for it OP because you already feel how wrong it is. I recognise it too from my almost exH and like everyone else has said, it is abusive because it makes you question reality, your sanity and your perception. Don’t! You are spot on.
“Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft is recommended on here a lot but with good reason. If you haven’t read it already, you might find it eye opening.
What do you want to do? Presumably you are unhappy in the situation?

Colourmeclear Sun 23-Aug-20 10:31:03

I found that my ex expected me and everyone else to judge him on his actions not the massive amount of crap that came with it. He would gladly have selective amnesia and only remember what he did and then I would feel all confused because the feelings I had didn't match up with his 'reality' and I often had very little proof that he had been passive aggressive, sulking or dismissive. Write a journal everytime this happens and I think you'll see it happens much more than you think.

JulietteLeGall Sun 23-Aug-20 11:16:12

The thing is he feels it’s absolutely his right to be unhappy about me going for various reasons and that he showed me he was making an effort to not be that way by buying the wine etc.

OP’s posts: |
JulietteLeGall Sun 23-Aug-20 11:17:50

One of his reasons was that he thought I would end up coming home really late and it would ruin the day the next day. We didn’t have anything planned. He offered to pick me up at 12 but I declined as my friends husband had already offered to drive me back and it meant we weren’t in a time limit. This also annoyed him.

OP’s posts: |
Beachbodylonggone Sun 23-Aug-20 11:18:57

He was making you be so so grateful to be supported in going out eventually when he should have been from the start.. Me exh was similar..
Big grand gesture to drop me off... All smiles to my friend.
Same bloke who kicked off for hours..
Got to where is stopped going out.

cinders15 Sun 23-Aug-20 11:32:32

Controlling
My 'D'H used to give me lifts so he could check I was going to where I said I was, and also offer to collect me, so 'I could have a drink'
He tried texting me saying he was tired, so would pick me up early, but I just said I'd get a lift home in someone's taxi - cue sulking next day

AnnaFour Sun 23-Aug-20 11:48:59

His reasons are bullshit. He wanted to come and collect you like he’s your dad. Unless of course, you have a habit of rolling in hammered at 5am and staying in bed all day - but somehow I doubt it.

Do you have kids?

AnotherEmma Sun 23-Aug-20 11:55:49

He's controlling and manipulative.

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

I advise you to read Lundy Bancroft and talk to someone in real life about his behaviour, a counsellor and/or trusted friend.

Colourmeclear Sun 23-Aug-20 12:02:16

These kind of stories were really common and an example that was given in the freedom program. What he says are his reasons aren't his reasons it's just what he thinks he has to say to sell his controlling behaviour to you. Perhaps he is envious of you and your social life and instead of making his own plans he wants to derail yours instead. Does he have his own social life?

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