Anyone reading - I need help/support now

[rubyslippers76]

I'll cut to the chase - long marriage (20+) and I have been unhappy for a while - manchild who doesn't work, has spells of anger and boarderline control/emotional abuse (he would not see himself this way at all - but as a devoted husband). Anyway - tonight he has left (for space not left me) and I need support in what to do/how to stay strong. As far as he is concerned he has left for space because out son is grumpy and he doesn't deserver his this. This time last week he had a blow up over the most ridiculous thing (me buying a cumber when we have some growing at home). Repeated shouted fuck you in my face and told me he was so angry he wanted to hit me (teenage son witnessed this). He threatened to leave then didn't and came back grovelling. Been "role model" hubby since - even asking my parents out for dinner. Then this evening he had a blow up with my son. Started with my son saying he was picking on him (minor things about not clearing the draining board before washing up). Came out in the course of the argument that earlier in the day H had called son a inconsiderate arsehole just because he move the guinea pig cage somewhere else in the garden. Son feels he is always picking fault. Hubby packed and said he was leaving for a night or two and that he didn't deserve to be spoken to like that I never back him up (don't know how I can back him up when I don't agree with his behaviour). I feel nothing now he has gone (over the years there has been incidenst he has left for a short period - just a night, and I have been super worried/can't sleep etc). I don't think I want him to come back. From his perspective it is "poor old him" - he is a good day/husband etc but takes no responsibility for the role he plays in all of this. I do feel guilty as I have spent pretty much my adult life with him but I am exhausted and don't see a future with him in it. We are due to be away for a few days together from Monday but and he said he would be back Monday morning so we could do this but I think this is my opportunity to end it. Please give me some support/advice x

[Sally2791]

Sounds far from ideal. Does he really accept he has anger management issues? What’s his justification for not working? I’d be inclined to have a trial separation if he isn’t actively sorting himself out

[ItsmineAllmine]

End it. You're not happy. He's horrible to you, and your son. You'd be happier without him.

When was the last time you felt really, genuinely happy in the presence of you husband? If you can't remember (or you can, and it was a really long time ago) then focus on this and tell yourself you deserve better.

[Gazelda]

It sounds as though you know what you want. And I don't blame you, he sounds horrible.

Maybe text him to say you're tired of how things are at home, and that he should go away as planned while you stay at home so that you can both think about your future.

I presume you are off work next week so you can gather your thoughts, get paperwork sorted and maybe start talking with a solicitor?

Or, you go away for the break while he stays home. Is DS supposed to be going on the trip too (sorry, to sure how old he is)?

[HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime]

Normal advice would be to get all your valuables and sentimental things somewhere safe along with any important documents. Collect copies and details of any bank statements and bank accounts. I'd have a grab bag ready with clothes and toiletries for both you and DC possibly stored at a friend or family members or just in the back of the car.

If he's going to play wounded husband Will you want to stay in the family home or start fresh elsewhere if so maybe have a look at possible propertys? I know advice is normally to stay in the marital home but I think I'd want a fresh start. Can you stay at familys and could you give them a heads up.

Write a list of his shitty behaviour either here or on your phone so you can look at it when he starts playing Mr Nice guy. Get another phone and email account so you only have to deal with his texts and calls when you feel strong enough and not get bombarded constantly.

Good news is DC is a teen and his wishes regarding contact will be taken into account, and it sounds like he would be thrilled if you left him.

Good luck OP, don't forget to talk to Women's Aid and to do the Freedom programme at some stage.

[classicBritishMum]

Hey Ruby, I'm so sorry for your situation!

Please make yourself a nice tea/hot chocolate, get a nice snack and put one of your favourite/ relaxing shows on in the background.

Your husbands actions are not okay, you know that. Is he a bit older may I ask? It sounds like he's very out of touch with how to be a parent in the modern day.

he needs to get therapy immediately. Also, family therapy.

I know this is really hard to hear but it's not possible for him to be a good husband to you whilst being a bad father - the child is both of yours. Him being a lacklustre parent leaves you with more work to do, and will create emotional issues with the child, which again you will be left alone to deal with.

If you can, don't speak to him while he's gone, I take it there's no doubt as to where he is? And as soon as he comes back tell him the two of you need to talk. Tell him you love him but the way he speaks to your child and his outbursts towards you are absolutely not appropriate, that you won't have it. Tell him that he needs to organise talking therapies, and he must apologise to you and then your son, then ask how he will make this up to you. If he is nothing other than tail between his legs, guilty af, apologetic af then you have to tell him with intention that you understand he's found it hard being a father but obviously, it's not working out so the paradigm will have to change and you'll need to separate.

Sending you love girl

[0hforfoxsake]

Good advice to write it all down. Will focus your mind. I did this (as well as printed out my MN thread for all its support).
I found a telephone counselling session with Relate very useful the day after I split up. Really helped to talk things through and confirmed to me I was doing the right thing.
I wonder if he wants to end it as well, but is pushing you to be the ‘bad guy’ and actually say it?
It may well come as a huge relief. Sounds as though you have disengaged emotionally. That’s half the battle won IME.
Good luck.

[GhostOfMe]

Leave. If not for yourself, then for your son. You both deserve so much better, you really do. Imagine how you'd react if a friend called your son an arsehole, you'd be furious with them. Even if your son had deserved to be called inconsiderate (he didn't), his dad calling him an arsehole is unacceptable. Neither of you should have to be dealing with your OH/dad saying he wants to punch you/your mum. That's abuse, he's threatening you to bring you back in line, then he's gaslighting both of you saying he doesn't deserve to be treated this way, when actually he's the one whose being abusive/a bully/disrespectful/a jerk.

[Oldbagface]

Didn't you post recently about the cucumber?

He's an arse. LTB

[dontgobaconmyheart]

Tell him not to come back OP. He's abusive to you and your son, who has suffered enough for his age. Personally I would be calling the police to report him for this, it must not be normalised. If you suspect he will turn and repeat physical or verbal abuse (the red flags are all there) when you end it, call the police or womens aid beforehand for the proper advice. The safety of you and your DC is paramount and he sounds unstable.

The relationship , as an aside, sounds long dead and so needs to be disbanded so you can have your life back.

This is absolutely an ideal juncture to end it you are completely right. He has demonstrated how pointless he is by abdicating responsibility for his DC and leaving you to it. He isn't interested in how any of this affects you or your fulfilment levels so afford him the same courtesy.

You're doing the right thing . The only way out is through.

[nc600]

"even asking my parents out for dinner."

This is not an "above and beyond" act. It's just a normal thing. The fact you are putting that out there as one of the "role model husband" things he's done sets the bar ridiculously low.

Support and protect your son and tell your abusive husband not to return. Good luck

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up OP, did you see similar at home between your parents?.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Do not embark on any form of joint therapy with him.

And all of what dontgobaconmyheart wrote.
Indeed tell him not to come back. Protect your son too from his abusive father.