Talk

Advanced search

Partner giving family members half a story - has anyone experienced this?

(23 Posts)
Varenne Sat 22-Aug-20 16:00:57

My partner is very close to his family, which I love (mine are very distant and cold in comparison). It's become apparent though that, if ever we argue, he tells them about it. This is obviously fine. But...it seems that he gives them half a story, and the result is that they seem to think I'm someone that I'm not. An example would be a few weeks ago - we were both exhausted from working long hours, we were about to get intimate and he stopped to tell me that he had made plans with a friend the next night. Normally this would be nothing but I was so tired, it just killed the mood for me and I then got a bit grumpy that he had ruined the moment.

We had a silly argument about it, just going round in circles as you do when you're tired. I slammed a door, he yelled at me and I ended up taking myself off home to cool down. We spoke on the phone and he absolutely wouldn't meet me halfway in terms of seeing each others' point. I said that I'd found his shouting and swearing aggressive (he never usually shouts or swears). In the end he came to my house, we talked, sorted things out and went to sleep. The next morning I apologised for overreacting and that was that. Basically, a clear example of a very tired couple having a stupid row over nothing and then moving on.

He has since told me though that he called his brother as he was so upset when I went home (he didn't seem upset!). I've seen some of his family today and they were very off with me. I mentioned this and apparently he told his DB that we had a row because he made plans with a friend (it was NOT that! It was that he told me when we were about to have sex, bizarre timing!). He told him that I accused him of being an aggressive person (no, I said I found shouting and swearing aggressive behaviour). It sounds like he had a massive rant about me, which I understand, but whereas my family would probably try to be balanced and ask me what I had said, done etc., his seem to take what he says at face value.

The upshot is that his family now think I'm a controlling nut who goes off on one because he's seeing a friend and who has accused their darling boy of being some aggressive monster. I am absolutely gutted and so annoyed that they have this impression of me, all because he gave them half a story! I'm fairly sure they have encouraged him to end things and I sort of feel like telling him to do the same.

Has anyone any experience of this? Why on earth would he manipulate information to make them dislike me? Ok, maybe he wanted to get some sympathy, but can't he see the damage this will cause long term?

Thoughts welcome! I've been thinking this over so much I can't see the wood for the trees.

OP’s posts: |
Bbang Sat 22-Aug-20 16:06:33

My ex was like this, it got worse over the years to the point his family ended up launching a vendetta against me (attempted to kidnap my child, attacking me with a hammer etc) I had to get serious help from the police in the end.

The worse part I was so badly gaslighted by him and then that I didn’t know what was what by the end of it, took years to claw my sanity and happiness back.

My experience of this is that you can’t trust men who do this and they absolutely don’t have your best interests at heart.

I would cut your losses and bin him now, but I can appreciate that might not be what you want to hear or do.

Varenne Sat 22-Aug-20 16:12:55

I'm so sorry that you went through that, it sounds terrifying!

I feel that they don't want me around and will take any opportunity to tell him to leave me. He's always said that he loves me and it's his opinion that matters, but then why tell them things like this? I do wonder if he just has a victim mentality. He's also the youngest and I wonder if he actually quite likes it when they baby him (he's a fully functioning adult man, I should say, and more than pulls his weight so it's not that he's childish with me).

I hear what you're saying and no that isn't what I want to hear, but I need to give it some serious thought. I love him so much but it feels right now as if we're not on the same team if that makes sense.

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Sat 22-Aug-20 16:31:30

His family are "us" and you will always be "them", including to him.

He grates at their intrusion into and control of his life, but is so enmeshed that he would never cut them off. That's where you come in. He can lump the blame on you for his foibles and also times he "fails" to come pay homage visit them. He will tell the nasty exaggerated or untrue things about you forevermore as he wants you kept apart from them so that neither of you ever get the true story and so he can continue to use you as a lightening rod for dealing with them.

If you don't have kids with him, leave and don't look back. This is the sort of man to exercise parental alienation on the mother - and his family will enthusiastically participate.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 22-Aug-20 16:37:15

It's become apparent though that, if ever we argue, he tells them about it. This is obviously fine.

Sorry, I disagree. It's not fine. No one should be sharing their normal, petty arguments with their family. It only serves to undermine their partner and create a bad impression with the blabbermouths's family. He's running to them like a tattling child, ffs. How distinctly unattractive. Add to that he's purposefully portraying you as the wrong one, dramatic one, is unacceptable.

I would be running for the hills if I were you.

billy1966 Sat 22-Aug-20 16:39:19

OP,

He's not who you think he is.

He's a nasty little liar, who manipulates his family with a half story.

He has spoiled your relationship with them.

He was aggressive during the argument.

He's showing you exactly who he is.

You may not want to hear it.

But no real man goes running to his family with a half story after an argument.

A fxxkwit does.

That's what he is.

You know now.

Raise your relationship bar or your future is going to be just awful.

flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Aug-20 16:40:34

What Aquamarine wrote. You will always be the bad one/outsider here to his family also because he is running to them all the time; he is that enmeshed with them and it is dysfunctional. You are being used by him as a buffer between him and them.

Love is not enough sadly. Hills are that way ->

MrsClatterbuck Sat 22-Aug-20 16:49:34

billy1966

OP,

He's not who you think he is.

He's a nasty little liar, who manipulates his family with a half story.

He has spoiled your relationship with them.

He was aggressive during the argument.

He's showing you exactly who he is.

You may not want to hear it.

But no real man goes running to his family with a half story after an argument.

A fxxkwit does.

That's what he is.

You know now.

Raise your relationship bar or your future is going to be just awful.

flowers

THIS!!!

Aquamarine1029 Sat 22-Aug-20 17:08:31

Think about it this way, your PARTNER is making you out to be the enemy to his own family.

Do you really think this is a man worth being with?

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sat 22-Aug-20 17:11:56

^Why on earth would he manipulate information to make them dislike me? Ok, maybe he wanted to get some sympathy, but can't he see the damage this will cause long term?^

What does he say when you ask him this? Would he like it if you were telling your friends half truths about your arguments? Eg that he started swearing at you during sex?

23trains Sat 22-Aug-20 17:13:18

I was glad to read you don’t live with him - easy to end this relationship.

RLEOM Sat 22-Aug-20 17:22:33

Jesus Christ, he sounds like my ex. He'd always fish for sympathy from his family but would never tell the whole truth - he was never in the wrong. His lies caused a lot of trouble in the end.

I also realised that all those little stories he'd tell me about how awful his ex was were only half-truths. I used to say to him that surely he'd done something wrong for her to act so psycho but he'd play the innocent card. After he cheated, lied and manipulated me after I had his baby, it all made sense.

Noneformethanks Sat 22-Aug-20 17:24:29

He’s awful. You need to leave him.

Alongcameacat Sat 22-Aug-20 17:28:26

He is showing you who he is. Do NOT have children with this man. Leave now!

Bbang Sat 22-Aug-20 17:33:48

If you don't have kids with him, leave and don't look back. This is the sort of man to exercise parental alienation on the mother - and his family will enthusiastically participate

Absolutely! They all happily did this to me also @Varenne and it was honestly the worst time of my life. Please put yourself first, men like this don’t ever change.

123th Sat 22-Aug-20 17:57:33

Always worth remembering this when you read threads on here!

I once saw a rant DH had put about me on a site like this. It was half the story and everyone was calling me all the names under the sun! I was furious. It did help in ways though because our communication at the time was awful, so his version of events was the truth. He just hadn't thought about it from my side and I hadn't talked things through with him. Things have been better since.

Talk to him, explain why you're not happy and make sure he understands why you were annoyed etc

aSofaNearYou Sat 22-Aug-20 18:18:35

My partner is a bit like this. Not in quite the same way - he means well he just doesn't always understand what I mean in an argument and will ring his or my parents when upset, and I'm sure he'll be telling them what he thinks my problem was, rather than what it actually was. I have no idea what they think of me as a result, but luckily they're never off with me, so perhaps they do take it with a pinch of salt.

My view has always been that it's best not to discuss it with outsiders when you have run of the mill spats, as you will inevitably make up but they will be left with a coloured view of the person discussed that will make things awkward going forward. Couple's will argue every now and then, but it adds up to a skewed picture second hand.

I would just tell him straight that it's making it really awkward for you when you see his family and you're going to end up having to avoid them if he doesn't stop.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 22-Aug-20 18:34:02

@aSofaNearYou

My partner is a bit like this. Not in quite the same way - he means well he just doesn't always understand what I mean in an argument and will ring his or my parents when upset, and I'm sure he'll be telling them what he thinks my problem was, rather than what it actually was.

How can you be married to a man like this? Running to tattle to his parents or yours(wtf?!). I see that as a complete betrayal.

aSofaNearYou Sat 22-Aug-20 19:06:20

How can you be married to a man like this? Running to tattle to his parents or yours(wtf?!). I see that as a complete betrayal

He's not really tattling, he only does this when he assumes he's in the wrong not me, but arguing puts him in a very low place and he feels like he needs advice on how to fix things. He'll be saying how I feel as though it's reasonable and he's in the wrong, but often what he thinks I think is quite unreasonable, but what I actually think isn't, if that makes sense.

He has a lot of issues with his parents and has a very close relationship with mine as his have never particularly supported him. It makes more sense that he would talk to my parents when you know the dynamic, but yes, it wouldn't be my choice to involve anyone else.

MikeUniformMike Sat 22-Aug-20 19:26:05

You are the psycho girlfriend.
He is being abusive.
There is no future for the relationship.
Get out.

Sparkletastic Sat 22-Aug-20 19:33:04

He's dishonest. I think that might be a dealbreaker.

DrDavidBanner Sat 22-Aug-20 19:41:05

I had a friend who's partner did this. They ended up marrying and he grew out of it but it permanetly destroyed her relationship with his family, they didn't trust her and she never felt like a part of the family.

I would think very carefully about how you progress this relationship. A close family unit is good but co dependancy is dangerous.

ZolaGrey Sat 22-Aug-20 22:14:56

Huge, enormous red flag.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in