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Ever wonder what your own blind spot is??

(18 Posts)
Muser314 Sat 22-Aug-20 09:41:14

I'm wondering this because my parents have a dark, blind spot. They unconsciously collude with each other perpetuating this blind spot. ie, that i am paranoid, sensitive, emotional, dramatic.... I've known I'm not any of these things for a long time. But I've only recently realised that I was scapegoated with this narrative so that they wouldn't have to examine their own poor parenting of me. They get so angry with me so quickly if i even defend myself against this narrative. It's crazy. It's like I"m wounding them if I defend myself. I recently drew a line. I am just not showing up in the family with a smile stapel gunned on to my face to be cast in the role of 'the emotional one' or 'the paranoid one'. I give up and I am nc or grey rock atm. Not sure which. But if I'm waiting for my parents to have an epiphany I should not hold my breath. Their absolute entitlement is that I respect their right to label me. Forever. Even though I'm 50. I might add that I have no debts, addictions, convictions or anxieties. I just go to work and come home. Nobody at work thinks I'm emotional and dramatic and sensitive. I think I'm resilient tbh. I look forward to the future. I feel good (now). Had to over come my parents' parenting of me to get to this place mind you. But it makes me wonder, the darkness that is a blind spot. I will never be able to shine a light on it. It leaves me wondering if I'm deluding myself massively about something.

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Perfectstorm12 Sat 22-Aug-20 11:00:49

Have you had any therapy? I read recently that it is difficult for us to see our own blind spot and it is often brought to the surface in/by relationship. So I wonder if you would benefit from a therapeutic relationship to work through this. Your parents sound like very hard work so congratulations for breaking free!

Muser314 Sat 22-Aug-20 11:30:36

I have yes, about 13 years ago. It was very helpful, but not immediately. At the time, she pointed out things to me about my childhood and I was very defensive. I wanted to believe that I'd had an adequate childhood.

My parents are very hard work.

I'm not in a relationship (probably as a result of my childhood). I could only ever have relationships with controlling men who just managed me. And now I've healed from that, I swerved the controlling types but was too much of a 'pleaser' to hold interest of emotionally healthy men. And now I'm 50 and I don't want to bother looking. I don't actively blame my parents for being single though. I'm happy being single. So I don't need to blame anybody but I wish I hadn't been incapable of having a healthy relationship in my youth. I did have relationships but they were always controlling.

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Perfectstorm12 Sat 22-Aug-20 11:39:04

My parents sound a lot like yours but my life has panned out very differently. I would consider therapy again as it may be that you have developed very effective coping mechanisms that have been great and clearly allowed you to live an independent and sane life but have also held you at a distance from coming close to someone and showing an emotional side. Because we are allowed to be emotional and sensitive too, they aren't negative aspects, even if our parents painted them as such. Your post kind of reads to me that you are looking to re-find aspects of yourself that you may have held in for highly understandable reasons and now you want to learn to express. It's never too late for that. I hope you don't mind my comments, it's just what you said really resonated with me.

Muser314 Sat 22-Aug-20 12:00:41

Thank you for your replies. It shows a lot of balance and understanding. You're right, my coping mechanisms might lean towards avoidance. I am not feeling 'old' despite having turned fifty in the middle of lockdown. I'm aware that I'm a very young older person if that makes sense. I could have thirty years of good life left and I want to make the most of it. I am thinking about bravery and how to start doing small things to push myself out of my comfort zone, but, I'm avoiding starting that process! Also, my teenagers still go to my parents house when invited so I am trying to not react emotionally to that. I don't want to stop them, their relationship with my parents is not mine to control. But I know that my mother will never be motivated to try and look inwards when she still has my DC visiting her.

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Muser314 Sat 22-Aug-20 12:03:07

What's your relationship with your parents like now?
I guess you're probably married (statistically likely) and I often think that if I were married my parents would feel subconsciously it was 2 against 2 and they would be less likely to push their narratives on me because they might have a wariness of my unit of two. If I had one.

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Perfectstorm12 Sat 22-Aug-20 12:18:24

Yes feeling like a younger older person does make sense! I agree with wanting to live your life to the full here on in also. You sound very self aware and I'm sure your kids benefit highly from your approach to their relationship with their grandparents.
My relationship to my parents is currently strained as I am only just fully waking up to the impact of their narrative about me. I am trying to place firm boundaries but it is hard when you are programmed to people please. It is an ongoing internal struggle but feels increasingly worth it.
Yes I am married. And it does make a difference in the way you observed. I am learning that I need to 'hold my own' even when I visit on my own too though. Otherwise I am in danger of responding to my husband in the same enmeshed way that I always have with my parents. Onwards and upwards though, eh!

Muser314 Sat 22-Aug-20 12:47:20

My daughter just confirmed to me that my parents and my golden child brother think I'm ''crazy''.

Ie, even though they know what it is that makes me want to step back and draw a line because I told them, they are persisting with it, and doing it MORE by telling my own teenager that I'm crazy.

This makes me feel less inclined to try and fix things. Honestly, I feel callous but my golden child brother can deal with them when they're incontinent.

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Muser314 Sat 22-Aug-20 12:49:47

Interesting that you do observe that being one half of a married couple does change the way you're perceived by your parents!

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Perfectstorm12 Sat 22-Aug-20 13:38:17

Huh. That is indeed messed up. She is trying to 'split' you from your own daughter. My Mum eye rolls about me to my son over my head and undermines my 'rules' when I am not there but she has my children. Yet she clings desperately to me and is convinced we are best friends. We are not. I am just struggling to communicate it. They also think I am crazy. Perhaps lots of people do. I am just trying to heal actually. It is tiring being scapegoated your entire life.
Yes it irritates me immensely that they believe my husband 'puts up' with me like they do. He thinks they are controlling idiots though and isn't taken in by their constant flattery of him though.

Perfectstorm12 Sat 22-Aug-20 13:41:19

I also feel callous and uncaring. But I can't carry on like I was as I have been to too many dark places myself. Plus the ridiculous insanity of it all is becoming clearer and clearer now.

Muser314 Sat 22-Aug-20 14:32:45

[wry smile] at your husband ''putting up'' with you! If I were happily married, I can just see my parents assuming that 'he' (this snuffleufficous husband!) put up with me as well! '...all of my EMOTIONS confused

My parents are in their mid 70s and are fit and able still. But I feel my brother will turn on me when they need care. He is on the fence now (officially, as in he doesn't discuss our parents with me but according to my daughter, he does discuss me with them). He has been the golden child his whole life and completely buys in to their narrative that I'm confrontational, emotional, sensitive, paranoid.

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Perfectstorm12 Sat 22-Aug-20 15:00:00

Ah...I see our families are cut from the same cloth, all kinds of similar shenanigans going on with siblings, talking behind backs, golden brother etc. Yes it is unfortunate that we are 'burdened' with these pesky emotions, isn't it!?!
I am in a similar situation age and health wise with my parents and I also wonder what will happen when their health deteriorates...

Muser314 Sat 22-Aug-20 15:24:46

wine here! let me pour. Have some cheese with it!

I don't know what the answers are, but it really helps to know that I'm not the only one!

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Perfectstorm12 Sat 22-Aug-20 15:35:52

Don't mind if I do...
Cheers to you too!
Yes, I agree, no answers to be seen but it is so reassuring to hear similar experiences.

paisley256 Sat 22-Aug-20 15:39:55

Just wanted to thank you for being so open your post feels like I'm reading my life. I've definitely become avoidant because of it but therapy is helping me with this.

Perfectstorm12 Sat 22-Aug-20 16:56:31

It's sobering stuff, isn't it @paisley256. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, I'm glad to hear therapy is helping you. I think avoidant was probably our best option at the time, just need to learn to face things head on.

user1481840227 Sat 22-Aug-20 17:13:55

I have the exact same dynamic with my parents and have now gone completely no contact with them.
They will never ever change so they're not worth bothering with!

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