Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[Bunkbedpeople]

X

[Slothmomma]

Thanks for the new thread dancer

Well my second date with last Saturdays iron will not be happening. Things took a weird turn last night. We were arranging second date and I said i was happy to drive his way as he'd caught train to me last time. All good. Mentioned drinking so i said I wouldn't be as driving but not an issue. He said I could stay. I said thanks for offer but I wouldn't be taking him up on it - and it then got weird

He said - well let's not bother then. So i replied OK- not entirely sure whether he was joking but if he wasn't not caring either way. He then came back with "its just an insult". I said i had no idea what he was on about but I don't stay over at mens houses second date especially when we've barely had a kiss. And he just went off on one saying I was accusing him of wanting to "jump me". I said id said nothing of the sort - he'd made an offer, I'd politely refused. End of but hed made more of it because he wasn't getting his own way. He went on some more and then said "well the second date is dead in the water". He then said something like "who would voluntarily meet a sexual predator" I said that I dont think women knowingly meet sexual predators but in any event hed made me feel uncomfortable and yes there would be no second date and wished him well then blocked. I blocked on fb in case he found me on there but couldn't find him on insta but 5 mins later I get a message on there saying he was trying to send me a message. It said "and I'd like my £40 back please" so I blocked on there too.

Now the £40 was my half of tab (although he drank 2 drinks to my one and one was whiskey each time) but I gave him the money several times but he refused to take it!

Bullet dodged. Shook me up a bit last night how quickly he turned weird and so thankful I didnt meet again. Who knows how he would have reacted in person turning him down

[ZoZoBo]

@Slothmomma that was a lucky escape -he sounds deranged! Hope you are ok now.. it’s definitely him not you!
Dancer thanks for the new thread ...my lifeline these days :)

[Bunkbedpeople]

@Slothmomma

1. please please do NOT even think about responding to the £40 request
   

1. Lucky escape there Just goes to show we’re all strangers till we’re not - even after a good first date (or few first dates) normalish types can go very wrong....

[Savvymymmy]

@Slothmomma

Wow, he is defo unhinged- that is a super lucky escape. and the tracking you down for 40 quid too.

And this is exactly why its important to remember these men( or women) are complete strangers. and could be anyone or anything really. I really worry when after 3 dates there are proclamations of he's the one, or s/he can meet my kids. Plenty of Psychos out there

[Ruralbliss]

Thanks @Dancerinthemoonlight for the new thread this has also become my lifeline of sanity.

@Slothmomma Woah. That really is such a POF reminder how total weirdos can present as nice n normal for at least one date. Makes me remind myself not to over invest, fantasise or bond with ANYONE ahead of knowing them for a goodly amount of time.

Sorry you are shaken up. I'm not surprised. Your spidey senses were right to block on all channels weren't they.
Thanks for sharing that horrible series of events so we can all learn from it.

[Ruralbliss]

I'm still (ffs) reeling from the disappearance of Mr Polymath - a week after the last message & what would have been our second date.

Instead of totally forgetting about him I have, like a deranged teen with a terrible crush, been monitoring whether he's been on WhatsApp (nope not at all but he hides his status just never 'online' during my frequent and stupid spot checks), found his FB account and see he's posted in the past some pretty strong 'What it's like to have depression' quotes.

This for me gives me something akin to closure. He may be mentally unwell and it wasn't me, and probably not someone else but his kids are having a terrible time with his ex and he may well not have the capacity or motivation to think of anything else.
My eldest daughter is depressed and confirmed she often ghosts people as too much effort to reply and days slip by. She doesn't mean to hurt their feelings.

I feel bad for him and hope he's ok and wish I could move on from one guy which seriously got under my skin via text, phone and one heady 4 hours together.
Now I've got a teeny bit of insight I think I can stop thinking 'WTF?!?'

Still have a date with Mr Jazz but not active in the apps any more as seemed to be scraping the very bottom of the barrel was no fun

[crackofdoom]

Oh God ruralbliss, the one who gets under your skin after the first date....There was one last May who I absolutely fell head over heels for on the first date. And worse, he was kind of up for/ not up for meeting again, breadcrumbed me until I summoned up the will to shut comms off myself. I still think of him. In my head I call him Williamitwasreallynothing, William being his name- and me being a Smiths fan .

So, I've been off on my adventures, the kids being away. Went to visit my Fab friend Mr Al Murray, and had an evening of great company and filthy sex . At one point I was sitting opposite him at the table and we were chatting about politics, and I thought "Wow, I feel attractive and intelligent again!". I think the thing with Mr Sparky laid me pretty low- he didn't get so many of the things I said, especially in messages, that it made me feel slightly mad/ odd - now I realise that there are plenty of people out there entirely capable of conversing on the same level, which is nice.

I then spent the next few days having solitary wanderings around Dartmoor, falling in bogs and composing bad poetry. On the really wet day I did descend from the hills and have another Fab date- I think I'll call him Mr Knob Twiddler- which went well (even had a snog in the car park of the Premier Inn! I don't normally snog on a first date- even a Fab one- it must have been the sheer romance of the surroundings ), and we're lining a, er, liasion up over the next few days.

I also joined Tinder just now (just for a change from Bumble), and it seems to be going OK. Funnily enough, I matched with someone I was chatting with for ages on Bumble over lockdown- he seemed like a really interesting character, but I was a bit put off by his profile saying he wanted kids. He asked me out for a drink and I challenged him over the kids thing (because my baby bearing days are O.V.E.R.), and he said it's "not a dealbreaker". So there we go....

I wish I could say I hadn't thought of Mr Sparky, or Mr Shipwreck, but it would be a dirty lie, as evinced by this conversation with my friend earlier : "So what about this gig tomorrow night?" "I can't, because it's Mr Shipwreck's band, and it looks like he's ghosted me, so I can't turn up, because it'd look like I'm stalking him!" "Surely we can just wear masks?" "I CAAAAN'T! AND I should really go to that meeting instead, because I need to catch up, and guess what? I think Mr Sparky's going! Aaaarrgh!"

[crackofdoom]

And if Mr Sparky doesn't stop liking my posts on Facebook, I swear....His little bloody face keeps popping up on my feed...JUST STOP IT!! I don't want to unfriend, for strategic reasons- I thought there used to be an option to mute someone for 30 days, but I don't seem to be able to find it now

[crackofdoom]

He's on there right now, telling the aforementioned ^ friend that she should get a van like mine, and liking all my comments. FECK OFF AND STOP BEING ALL CHATTY AND NORMAL YOU CUNTSTAIN, DON'T YOU REALISE HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME?!

This has certainly exposed the pros of getting involved with someone in your regular social circle.

[crackofdoom]

(I mean the cons. Definitely time for bed!)

[Eesha]

Thanks for the new thread!

[SortingItOut]

Thanks for the new thread.

Can i add one more 'rule'?
15. Consider contraception/sexual health above anything

I think i should name my iron who is actually my boyfriend by now, we reached 11 months this week so it feels right.
I'll call him Mr Van if no one else has a Mr V

We've booked to go away for a few nights next month to celebrate 1 year.

Not bad for a casual sex meeting from Fab where neither of us wanted anything other than casual sex and definitely no relationships for years!!!

[dancemom]

Checking in, thanks for the new thread.

Still with Mr G, previously Mr Farmer. It's not been without its challenges, he's certainly a complicated character 🙄 but we have great times together, been on a few adventures, I enjoy his company so much! There is a major red flag and I've discussed it with him. we both know it's going to come to a head sooner rather than later so watch this space ....

[Onesmallstep67]

Haha, ironically @SortingItOut I was just coming on to post and mark my place and my iron is Mr Van / Mr V but I am not claiming exclusive rights to the nickname.
Thanks for the new thread dancer
Feels like we are starting this one with lots of positivity and people feeling more empowered. I certainly feel that I have found a corner of MN where I can share what's happening in an honest way without fear of being judged, merely questioned and supported.
All fine here with my Mr V. He has a couple of family and financial issues but this time around he has made me feel more involved rather than retreating (as he did previously). He's still not the best at making definite plans which I struggle a little with but we talk several times a day so there never feels a lapse in contact. And we do meet up every week at least once but sometimes plans get shifted or made a bit at the last minute. I intend to address this but we've negotiated a fairly major thing this week so I am biding my time. And on a personal level the next few weeks are going to bring a lot of changes at home with older DD off to uni. I've known Mr V 9 months now so I feel some of the spot on observations on the last thread about taking time, building a connection and trust are what has happened. Still some way to go but I am proceeding with more self worth and empowerment than I might have previously - thanks in no small part to the comaraderie on here.

[SortingItOut]

@Onesmallstep67
Apologies i forgot you had a Mr V, I'll amend mine to Mr Kayak/Mr K

Good luck with all the changes with oldest DD off to Uni, I've not long had my son back after graduating this year.
Its his first time of really living at home since me and my ex split ( his step dad) so its an interesting dynamic (he came home in Uni holidays but not the same as being here constantly)

[Onesmallstep67]

@SortingItOut, you didn't need to change Mr V to Mr K. I'm sure we have a number of doubling up on the letters front !
I am somewhat apprehensive about how the dynamics will change here. My DD who is heading off is definitely the one takes up more of my time and emotional energy. And it's only been the 3 of us here ( other DD about to be 16) since their Dad passed away almost 7 years ago ( although I have had 3 RS in that time, one chunky one in the middle lasting 3 years ) So the dynamics here are going to change. I am a bit concerned that I will have even more time on my hands to fill. My plans involve finding a volunteering opportunity and when I can a resumption of a fitness and diet regime again. Lockdown has seen a few pounds back on and psychologically I want to get back to where I was a few months ago having lost 4 stones ( very overweight prior to that) Still very overweight although even at my heaviest it didn't seem to stop me meeting guys. Attraction is such a personal thing and difficult to pin down.
And whilst I am rambling ( housework dodging ) I have been trying to take on board my over use of ' sorry' ( as highlighted in the excellent link that hairyarsedman shared last week. Mr V is frequently saying to me ' why are you apologising ? ' it seems to be a real issue for me. I need to work on my self esteem and boundaries. I have always worried about asserting myself in RS for fear of them not liking me or breaking things off. But thanks to the reminders on here about self worth and being the prize I am a work in progress

[LivingMyBestLifeNOT]

Hello, can I join your thread?
I am 38 and have 3 DD aged 17, 13 and 5. My last BF didnt want to be involved with my kids and we split up. I have since then thought I will never meet anyone.
Yesterday had my car serviced and ended up going on a date last night with the mechanic! He was a lovely bloke but he is 57! I didnt know his age and it is now concerning me.....

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@LivingMyBestLifeNOT welcome to the thread.
What concerns you about the age difference?

[crackofdoom]

Welcome livingmybestlifeNOT, we now have 2 posters who are living their best lives

How did your date with the mechanic go?? If it was fun, then maybe age isn't so much of a concern if you're after something casual. An age gap of that size could be problematic if you're after something longer term though.

[LivingMyBestLifeNOT]

Hi Dancer!
Im not really sure!Maybe I am just over thinking.How important is it to go on looks and body type too? I think personality is a big thing

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@LivingMyBestLifeNOT

I think it all depends on your preference of if you find looks/body type to be a defining factor in if you life someone or not. For me you could be a 10 looks wise and a 3 personality wise which wouldn't make you attractive or you could be a 6 or so looks wise but a 9 or 10 personality wise which makes you attractive to me. As Bianca Del Rio said "Looks fade, but dumb is forever"
Don't worry about what everyone around you thinks or would say as you are the one dating them.

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

Place marking, will update shortly.

Thank you got the new thread dancer!

[Onesmallstep67]

Welcome @LivingMyBestLifeNOT, I think only you can decide if this man is someone that you could see yourself dating. if he was great company and it felt good to be out with him then I would say see him a few more times and see what happens. You have nothing to lose.

[bangheadhere40]

Thanks for the new thread.

Please can anyone advise? I've seen mr. Fumny about 8 times now. I thought I would give it a go as he is the most decent, kind straightforward person I've met.

I'm just not feeling a spark physically though ...and I have no desire to sleep with him. My question is I need to stop this but do I be so blunt about my reasoning? Do I create a nicer excuse? How do I word it.

I think too much of him to keep going when I know he's obviously keen on me and it's not reciprocated in the same way. 🙁