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Is this abusive?

(15 Posts)
ronamoaner Fri 21-Aug-20 18:27:38

I feel so silly for even asking this but I feel like I don't know which was is up. I recently had a baby with someone. I found out he was at least messaging other women when I was pregnant. It's been quite miserable since baby has been born.

He sat me down and told me he would like for us to work towards moving forward. I agreed we could at least be friends. I told him I wasn't interested in even being friends if he was still talking to other women. He initially agreed then told me I can't tell him who he can talk to. He agreed he wouldn't be flirting with these women???? And his focus is on us as a family. Previously to this he told me he feels sick to imagine me with another man, he doesn't want to lose me and wouldn't like me to talk to other men.

I recently went out to my friends birthday. No men involved,I commented on a friends post joking that we had found new boyfriends. A private joke about these old men that were trying to chat us up. When I got home he asked me about men I laughed and said yeah I've found one. He put his hands around my throat, laughing and not hurting me saying don't say those things. I was drunk so I laughed it off.

We had a long talk after this he said he was joking. But on another occasion he said when he's angry he gets physics he hasn't gotten physical with me yet. Now I feel like these are the steps to abuse. am I overreacting? He makes me feel like I make a big deal out of nothing

OP’s posts: |
namechange12a Fri 21-Aug-20 18:29:40

OP do you have anywhere you can go?

Notapheasantplucker Fri 21-Aug-20 18:33:04

That's not a normal reaction, so I do think it will turn physical. Especially if he's admitted this to you already?

Why don't you leave him?

ronamoaner Fri 21-Aug-20 18:33:39

Yeah he doesn't live with me. I'm not immediately in any danger but thank you for asking. I'm just not sure how to move forward regarding our baby

OP’s posts: |
TimelyManor Fri 21-Aug-20 18:34:06

They do make you feel like you're making a big deal, they're minimising it. Yes, it is abusive and it will probably get a lot worse. Are you living together?

namechange12a Fri 21-Aug-20 18:36:48

I would move forward without him regarding your baby. Your relationship is over. Abuse tends to escalate around pregnancy and he's put his hands around your throat. He's controlling and I can see him dictating where you go and who you're with so you aren't talking to men. You are considered 'high risk' in DV assessments because of the pregnancy and him putting his hands around your throat. You are in a dangerous relationship and you need to end it safely.

The way you end it safely is by contacting a DV organisation and getting safety advice and support.

Notapheasantplucker Fri 21-Aug-20 18:36:54

Do you trust him with the baby op? Is he a good dad?

ronamoaner Fri 21-Aug-20 18:38:57

He's been a bit on and off with the baby. Sometimes the baby bores him. I've heard him swearing at him. But then the next he's saying how much he loves him.

OP’s posts: |
namechange12a Fri 21-Aug-20 18:41:09

You've heard him swearing at your baby and you're still with him.

Opentooffers Fri 21-Aug-20 18:54:09

Youve only agreed to friends, but then told him he can't message others, so you were aiming to move beyond friendship again. Don't go beyond friendship, let him message who he wants, cut him from your social media. What either of you do in your own time is non of each others business. If he can't handle just being friends and co-parenting ( sounds like he can't) you'll have to cut him out altogether.

category12 Fri 21-Aug-20 18:57:48

Putting hands round your throat is a very bad sign. He could easily kill you without even setting out to do so, doing that. He has got physical with you already, and in one of the worst ways possible.

Just because you have a baby with the guy doesn't mean you should stay with him. He's awfu, he's violent, he isn't trustworthy, he's likely unfaithful.

Do yourself a huge favour and end the relationship altogether. It only gets worse from here.

category12 Fri 21-Aug-20 18:58:42

And what kind of father swears at a tiny baby?

Come on now, OP.

category12 Fri 21-Aug-20 19:02:58

"Facts You Deserve To Know:

- Strangulation is a significant predictor for future lethal violence
- If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher
- Strangulation is one of the most lethal forms of domestic violence: unconsciousness may occur within seconds and death within minutes."

ChristmasFluff Fri 21-Aug-20 19:04:15

Hands around throat is a huge indicator of future lethal force. Contact Women's Aid and any local domestic violence organisations ASAP.

Also speak to the Police on their non-emergency number.

this man is a dangerous sub-human. Get protected;

Treacletoots Fri 21-Aug-20 19:21:40

Jesus Christ OP. Please please recognise the danger you and your baby are in around this man and stop it immediately. He is not a good man, he won't ever be a good father and is likely to be violent with you and possibly the baby.

He had his hands around your throat then tried to minimise it. Fuck me, it doesn't get much more dangerous than this. Please contact the police, Women's Aid and get some help removing this piece of shit from your life ASAP.

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