Talk

Advanced search

Partner leaving in a few hours need a handhold or a kick up the backside?

(45 Posts)
Icepinkeskimo Fri 21-Aug-20 05:14:36

My dp is leaving me in a few hours, after a massive argument on Sunday. I finally saw the light, and found the courage to tell him to pack his bags and leave by Friday.

So why is it I go from being heartbroken to angry, to feeling like I'm having a breakdown.

I really tried to make this relationship work, but realised he's a compulsive liar, a narcissistic and cruel man, and I have a feeling a cheater, truth will out at some point I'm sure. On paper many would say 'icepink you've had a lucky escape'

I feel so down, I went from being confident, loving life, and happy to feeling like worthless and a non identity.

Im scared, scared of being lonely, scared that I will never get back to the person I once was. Terrified that I can't trust myself and I will view the relationship through rose tinted glasses and if he contacted me in the future I would take him back.

My relationship history is a catastrophe, and I know I am to trusting and gullible. All I ever seem to get is the abusers, the bullies, the moochers, and always end up feeling like it's my fault for falling for them.

I need to get through the next few hours with some dignity, and to try and get back to 'me' again but never repeat the same mistakes. I don't know how to though.

I have already blocked him on my phone, as a precaution, please I need the strength to keep him blocked. I have spent hours these last few days sobbing in the bathroom, I've really let myself down once again.

OP’s posts: |
pog100 Fri 21-Aug-20 05:23:29

I am lacking in experience of this type but didn't want to leave this unanswered. You should be very proud of yourself for taking the initiative here and telling him to leave. You may think you have a disastrous relationship history but you are clearly learning from it. You've written really all you need to remind yourself here. Do not ever even slightly consider reconciling with him. Go completely no contact, find lots of other things to do and wait for him to become history.
Well done, you've got it!

Etinox Fri 21-Aug-20 05:34:41

Can you let yourself be a little bit excited for what the future? You’ve done a brave thing.

ExhaustedFlamingo Fri 21-Aug-20 05:41:41

I think anticipation is sometimes the hardest part of it all. Once it's over and he's gone, you might find yourself feel much more able to cope with whatever the future holds.

Of course you'll have down days, but post here, you'll get lots of support. There are some really inspirational stories of women who have been through similar and feel so much happier now. Hang on to that.

It sounds as if you've been desperately unlucky in love. Maybe take some time to be single, and figure out what unhealthy habits you've fallen into? Learn to be happy in your own skin before looking to meet someone new. There's ALWAYS time to start over and meet someone new.

Shake this piece of trash free from your life and look forward to a liberating and fun future! You can do this ❤️

HollyBollyBooBoo Fri 21-Aug-20 05:44:02

You've done the right thing! Everything is temporary, these feelings will pass. Start making plans for the future and start getting excited about it.

Catsup Fri 21-Aug-20 05:44:48

You know its for the best! Don't doubt yourself. My ex left a few months ago and whilst I wasn't happy for some time I didn't have your bravery to actually kick him out! Fortunately he called my bluff for the godknows how many time 🙄 and left... But this time I didn't run up his arse and ask him to stay! My house/life is so much more peaceful! I'm not picking up random shit left all over the place on the clear assumption I'd sort it. I'm not wondering if I'll have the delight of yet another day off ruined by him having a huff over apparently some only known to him event. I'm watching whatever I want to watch on TV, vs only viewing some police, camera, action type guff (as apparently anything else is utter shite 🤔). My family voiced how much nicer it is without his joining us for meals/on days out ruining things and talking over everyone 😳 (of course they never voiced this when I was actively choosing to be with him). I seem to have far more money? As there's no longer the 'well I'm spent up so no I can't join in with xyz'. Stay strong OP!

bakedoff Fri 21-Aug-20 05:44:53

Stay strong. Get some therapy once he’s gone. You can do this

HomeTheatreSystem Fri 21-Aug-20 05:58:49

OP you know you've done the right thing for yourself in getting rid of this toxic person. It is going to feel brutal to start with but it will in time get easier.

I think in a way you are feeling grief for the loss of a life you once imagined you would have with him. It's extremely painful, once we've faced up to the gaslighting and seen the excuses for bad behaviour for what they really are, to realise that all that time and effort invested could never have brought you the happy, loving relationship you hoped you would have.

If you've not had counselling before I would do that first: it will help you cope and also help you understand why you keep making these unhappy choices of partner so that you can swerve these awful men in the future. In the interim, write down a list of the things he's said and done and keep looking at it whenever you feel you're about to put those rose tinted specs on.

Stay strong flowers

PleaseGoDontGoAgain Fri 21-Aug-20 06:23:47

You are performing my usual bad habit and it has effectively fucked up the last few decades of my life and will do the same to you.

It's a rookie mistake, in your head it's chaos and panic and How the hell, what if he meets someone outside your front door, what if you're forever alone. Then you hear yourself begging and suddenly your doing it again..

He's not a great boyfriend or you'd be keeping him.
If you were hideous and unloveable you would know from the total isolation and lack of anyone
Instead you're waiting for a soon to be ex to leave your house.
It is not the same as having no one ever again.
You had someone, he wasn't up to par so you got rid to make way for the new one who will be better or he will also get told to bolt.

You know this is a shit day, you know he STILL lies, you know that is not good enough and he will not change. You know this will be a shit day

You have a fair few shit days to come, and that's the perspective you have to keep. Take the shitty few weeks and let yourself feel crap. Get drunk and wail if need be but just not in the next few hours..

Silvercatowner Fri 21-Aug-20 06:31:45

My goodness, @Icepinkeskimo, you have done THE bravest thing to kick him out. You are awesome. If you can do that you can do anything.

Icepinkeskimo Fri 21-Aug-20 07:07:40

I'm in the bathroom, having a silent cry into a towel. I won't give him the satisfaction of hearing me cry. He's packing (last minute dot.com) as is/was his way.

I put the kittens in the bedroom for a nap until he's gone, they pick up on emotions as animals do.

Thank you for the hand holds and the advice, your all brilliant. So much fantastic advice, I'm definitely going to start that list of the most awful things he's said and done. Yes I will put the rose tinted glasses in the bin, for sure.

Will come back later when he's gone.

X

OP’s posts: |
Iloveme30 Fri 21-Aug-20 07:13:33

Oh I've been where you are it gets so so much better !🌸 you can do this 🤘

MJMG2015 Fri 21-Aug-20 07:22:10

(((HUG)))

You've absolutely done the right thing 🌷

Have a think about your personality type. It took me until I was about 40 or so to really realise that I am FAR worse in the anticipation phase of things, (as someone else managed too), than when they've actually happened. It took me until my late 40's to actually USE that knowledge though I can now with conviction(!) remind myself that what I'm going through now is worse than it'll be when it happens!

I borrow trouble, but st least I make it work for me these days! The next step is probably to try not to borrow it in the first place! 🙇🏻‍♀️

After you've written your long list of shit things he did/said & made you feel...so you can throw any rise coloured specs away. I have a couple more lists for you....

1. What can you do now that you weren't comfortable doing when he was around? (Just having salad for dinner or eating biscuits in bed or going to a friends for the evening straight after work)

2. Big life plans - what do YOU want??

Read books, go to counselling, use MN, to work out why you keep picking men who aren't worthy of you

But for today, drink tea, cuddle your kittens and remember, it might not be easy but it's right!!

Lozzerbmc Fri 21-Aug-20 08:12:32

It’s completely natural to be devastated at the end of a relationship even if you instigated the end. After all its not turned out as you planned, its not what you hoped for when you got together is it?

See him off, have a duvet day, eat ice cream out of the tub, watch soppy movies, have a good blub cuddling your kittens.

Then tomorrow make plans for your new life. Move furniture around, exercise, think of all the things you want to do, have dinner when you like, plan your weekend as you like. Enjoy your freedom and embrace the new beginning! Good luck

altiara Fri 21-Aug-20 09:47:38

Hey OP, first things first - tell yourself you are amazing for seeing the light star
It’s ok to be sad, but just think the life you might be crying for Is not really the one you wanted

Icepinkeskimo Fri 21-Aug-20 10:19:48

He's gone...
There was no argument, no shouting, it was civilised.
Parting words where "see you Icepink, and thanks very much"

I just answered "bye"

Then had another cry, best to get it out and no more burying my face in a towel.

Now to pay the £165 parking fine that arrived through the door which he said he'd paid and obviously haven't. That was a nice (not) surprise that just landed through the door. I'm not going to get angry it just re-enforces the fact he really didn't give a shit.

It's Friday, I've dreaded Fridays as I never knew which version of him was coming through the door. The normal one (whatever that is) or the one high on a cocktail of god knows what, a Molotov cocktail of ultra aggression and violence. At least I have something to remember him by, this is my foot from last Friday night. He went into a rage as I had forgotten to buy orange juice.

Yes he was and is an abuser, I think I had a lucky escape.

OP’s posts: |
OrlandointheWilderness Fri 21-Aug-20 10:27:58

Well done @Icepinkeskimo! You are truly better off without that particular piece of shit in your life. The pain will pass and I reckon quite soon looking at what he did to your foot!

Purplecatshopaholic Fri 21-Aug-20 10:44:23

If you need to, revisit that picture of your foot if you have doubts. (I have a picture of my bruised arm for similar reasons). You may struggle a bit for a while as Narcissistic men and relationships affect you so badly - but you will get through it. I am two years down the track now and finally happy again. Hugs to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Aug-20 10:46:38

Love your own self for a change OP. Be on your own and sort out your head and boundaries properly and certainly before embarking on another relationship. You remain very vulnerable currently and this bloke whom you've thankfully rid yourself of certainly targeted you.

Consider what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up starting with the example your parents showed you. Unlearn the crap you learnt about relationships along the way and get some therapy as to why you have kept on picking losers and abusers. Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid, invest in you for a change too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Aug-20 10:47:23

And do not pay his parking fine either.

HollowTalk Fri 21-Aug-20 10:51:46

Is the parking fine in his name or was he driving your car?

Thank god he's gone. You should consider talking to the police, though, about what he did to your foot.

FetchezLaVache Fri 21-Aug-20 10:58:45

Here's to the first Friday of the rest of your life, when you don't have to be worried about which 'him' you'll get! Go snuggle those adorable kittens, they'll put the smile back on your face.

...It was not a lucky escape, you recognised that he was abusing you and decided you weren't going to accept that. You are so much stronger than you think you are.

Apolloanddaphne Fri 21-Aug-20 11:02:01

You will emerge from this stronger but it is okay for now to be sad and weepy. Have a quiet day and then regroup and move forward.

crimsonlake Fri 21-Aug-20 11:35:46

After seeing your foot I think you should spend the rest of the weekend celebrating to be rid of him and then get on with the rest of your life fabulously.

AnnaFour Fri 21-Aug-20 12:49:34

Well done, you’ve done so well to get this got out of your life. Things are gonna get better. Be proud of your strength. flowers

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in