Should I leave him?

[Moonpiecepolly]

I have been married for 9 years and we have two children. I was quite young when we married (just out of uni) and as we started a family almost right away, I never really had time to just hang out with my husband. My career also took a major backseat and we had to rely on Tax Credits for most of the years before my kids started school.

Right now I am a low earning self-employed (and part-time PAYE employee) freelancer. Work has pretty much dried up due to Covid, but I should have some work lined up in November-February, if not before. I've been trying, for the past year, to get more employment and hopefully I can secure some temp work when the kids go back to school.

On reflection, I think when I agreed to marry my husband, I had an idea of what he could be like one day, I could see his potential and I thought we had so much in common that we would never be driven apart. He was unemployed at the time, with a degree in a creative field and work experience in retail. He found it difficult to find employment. Looking back, I should have possibly seen the red flags then.

He works full time now. He's a good dad, he cooks and does the grocery shopping. He's not very ambitious, though, and he's not doing a job he loves, but I think he's quite comfortable in it. He struggles with being assertive, with making even the tiniest decision, with understanding emotions and making friends. Sometimes at work he gets really overstimulated and struggles with prioritising tasks. He has spoken to our GP about a possible ASD diagnosis and he's now on a 3 year waiting list.

With housework, he mostly needs telling what to do and how to do it (apart from cooking). He is often in a mood and we rarely have meaningful conversations. I've been feeling really emotionally disconnected from him over the last few years and as my career has started to pick up, I've been wondering if I should stick with him or if I'd be better off alone.

Intimacy is an issue. He's not very good at it. We did a marriage course which we found really helpful, but now that it's finished it's like he's gone back to his old ways.

He still does nice things for me, he ran a bath for me tonight and made me a cup of tea. It's just that it seems to take a lot of effort. I had to explain to him during the course that I would like him to sometimes arrange things to do, as a family, for date night, etc. Because it's usually me that has to make all those decisions and he just goes along with anything.

In the bedroom, a few months back, he asked if I would like to try something different. I consented, but it made me feel horrible and I told him how it made me feel and that I do not like it at all. Last week he asked me again if we could try something similar. I said no, that it was a major turn-off for me. He said as a lot of time had passed, he thought perhaps I would have changed my mind, but the very fact that he asked made me feel gross.

I've been on antidepressants on and off for the last three years. I've recently upped my dose and I have therapy sessions. I feel like his lack of communication and emotional connection has led to me feeling very miserable and depressed. I'm at my happiest when I'm with friends, away from him. It was a relief when he started going back to work.

I feel like I'm always the one that has to carry us, that has to bring up the difficult topics and he just likes to bury his head in the sand.

On and off I've considered affairs and suicide. I feel very guilty that I want to leave him, as he does try, but he often forgets and he says he loves me and wants to grow old with me. But I don't think I feel the same way about him.

Any advice? What should I do?

[rvby]

My love, a relationship that's got you considering affairs and suicide is one that needs to end.

I'm sorry to hear that he doesn't want to end it, but that literally does not matter, I'm afraid. Not when the stakes are at this level.

I would advise counselling and so on, but if he's generally very unengaged and has his head in the sand, and given that you've already gotten to the point you describe - yes, I would leave him. Brutal, but you've one life. Do you want to live like this for the next 50 years?

Individual counselling for yourself might be a good shout, since I appreciate that very few people end their marriages based on the advice of an internet random. But as an internet random... yeah your relationship sounds awful and unsustainable, it's not meant to feel this way. You're not meant to feel you're carrying the other person.

[Moonpiecepolly]

Thanks for the reply, rvby. I currently have a counselor that I speak to once a week. I don't really know where to go from here. It's all very scary, thoughts racing through my mind are how will a divorce impact the kids? What will we do with our pets? Could I stay in our house, or will I have to move? What will our friends and family think of me?

My mum thinks he's great because he cooks and do what I ask him to do. But then my parents have a horrible, dysfunctional marriage and it's not something I'd like to emulate.

Thanks for taking the time to read my essay. I don't feel like I have any friends who are close enough to me that I can talk to about this irl.

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

I have one of these types. We broke up because of it. Best 7 Months of my life. It’s hard to sort out with kids And finances. Also the guilty because it doesn’t seem like an actually reason. But it is, you deserve happiness. Not day to day shitness that you have to navigate though. I ended back up with mine as I have terminal illness, it’s even worse now I properly have to relie on him but. Can still remember how happy and free I was without him

[Sakurami]

You're desperately sad. You are considering affairs and suicide. You can't stay with him.

[Notarealmum]

On the other hand, perhaps it’s depression that’s colouring your view of the relationship? Is it the cause of the depression or perhaps just a casualty of it? Are there other issues in your life to be addressed before you think about terminating a marriage that, as you say, has its positives and where there are children to think of?

[Lozzerbmc]

I think you’ve just outgrown him and your life aspirations arent the same. Perhaps you need to talk it over with a good friend and then think about how a separation would work re kids, house, finances etc.

[Moonpiecepolly]

@Notarealmum

On the other hand, perhaps it’s depression that’s colouring your view of the relationship? Is it the cause of the depression or perhaps just a casualty of it? Are there other issues in your life to be addressed before you think about terminating a marriage that, as you say, has its positives and where there are children to think of?

I've thought that perhaps that is the case. But on reflection over the past few years, I realised that I was always trying to change myself, to get better, to be a better wife to try and fix things. Whenever I've spoken to him about the issues we've had, things improve for a couple of weeks. And then he lapses into his old ways again and I feel miserable.

[Moonpiecepolly]

Thanks for the advice everyone. SharpAndShiney I'm sorry to hear that you had to go back to your H. I hope he treats you with the love and respect you deserve.