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Sleeping in different rooms from partner - is this a death knell for a relationship?

(49 Posts)
Lavenderwisteria Thu 20-Aug-20 19:41:33

I struggle hugely sharing a bed with my partner. It isn’t an exaggeration to say I barely get three hours sleep when I do. Part of this is him snoring but it is only partly. I toss and turn a lot. When we share a bed I feel I can’t do this as it disturbs him, so I feel I have to lie really still. But I think it’s an emotional thing. To sleep I have to slowly drift off and I just can’t seem to do that when he’s there!

So is this a real problem, or can we still have a perfectly normal and loving relationship in different rooms?

OP’s posts: |
hedgehoglurker Thu 20-Aug-20 19:43:26

Yes, separate rooms are heavenly!

Sayitagainwhydontyou Thu 20-Aug-20 19:44:07

I'd feel pretty hurt if my partner didnt want to share a bed with my tbh. I don't think i could live like that. Bedtime is the best bit of the day. Except mornings, with tea and chats in bed.

Savoretti Thu 20-Aug-20 19:44:10

I absolutely know how you feel!! I sleep so much better alone, and way prefer it, but it’s hard to convey that to a partner if they don’t feel the same.
Plenty of couples do sleep apart though so it doesn’t have the be the death of a relationship at all. What does your partner think?
Sleep is so important and if you aren’t getting enough then that’s going to lead to the end of the relationship in itself imo

unicornparty Thu 20-Aug-20 19:48:49

The closeness and intimacy of sleeping with someone (I'm not talking about sex here) is a massive thing for me in a relationship. I'd not be in a relationship without it.

Itshissister Thu 20-Aug-20 19:52:34

I would love separate rooms! DP is a snorer too and I need my sleep!

DramaAlpaca Thu 20-Aug-20 19:55:58

We've had separate rooms for years. Married for 30 years, both snore, I'm a night owl, he's a lark. Separate bedrooms with what I call 'visiting rights' wink have been a sanity saver. We are very lucky to have the space of course.

ExplodingCarrots Thu 20-Aug-20 20:00:15

My mum and dad have been married for 43 years and as soon as I moved out my mum nabbed my room grin They love each other but they both snore and my dad is in and out of bed all night . If anything they get on better now because mum gets a good sleep.

Lavenderwisteria Thu 20-Aug-20 20:07:40

I do worry about him feeling a lack of intimacy. But we spend the whole evening together and chat. I’m pregnant and using that as my ‘excuse.’ (I am awfully hot and up and down for the toilet so many times.) But i just don’t think I can function on such little sleep as I typically get when we share a bed!

OP’s posts: |
Scbchl Thu 20-Aug-20 20:13:10

Me and dh take it in turns to sleep in the bed because we get too hot in our room or one of us disturbs the other so one will end up saying il go to the other room. We maybe end up in our bed a third of the time. It doesnt make a difference to intimacy it's been happening years and we are still happy (happier after a full nights sleep each).

Balloondog Thu 20-Aug-20 20:15:45

Separate beds all the way! It doesn't affect our relationship at all apart from the fact we both get a decent night's sleep. We have sex the same amount as when we shared a bed, but it's lovely to have our own rooms too!

feelingfree17 Thu 20-Aug-20 20:40:27

He definitely won’t mind separate bedrooms when your little person is born! The nights will be busy!
Separate beds - bliss!

BK187 Thu 20-Aug-20 21:03:09

3 hours sleep a night is the death knell for a relationship that’s for sure.

SweatyBetty20 Thu 20-Aug-20 21:04:00

I’m in a new relationship after being single for 8 years and have struggled sharing a bed so much. He’s 6ft3 and broad, and I am surprised to discover I’m a terrible snorer - he doesn’t snore at all. I just haven’t been able to relax. So we start off in the king sized in my room, have sex, read, chat, whatever, and then I disappear off to the double in the spare room. Don’t mind this because he needs the length of the king and the double in the spare is my old bed that I can cope in for the nights he’s here. Then I nip back in the morning for a cuddle. We’re doing fine and both getting enough sleep.

We have separate rooms as I’m a very light sleeper and partner snores and fidgets. But we spend a lot of time in bed together - not just sex, we read or watch tv in the evening, have lie ins or breakfast in bed at weekends. It’s just when we’re falling asleep that we say goodnight and he goes to his bed. Life’s too short to not get enough sleep (and lack of sleep shortens your life even more, it’s very bad for your health).

Couples sleeping in the same bed has only historically happened where people couldn’t afford separate rooms. If you have the space, go for it. It has nothing to do with the state of your relationship.

Lurchermom Thu 20-Aug-20 21:16:39

The worst part of my DH moving from a job that involved night shifts was I had to share a bed with him every night! He loves to cuddle up but I hate it, I much prefer my own space. As it is we generally share but if I've had a few bad nights, I'll go into the spare for a night or two to refresh. Or if the snoring is too bad on a particular night I'll move. To me it doesn't affect our relationship though DH was worried it set a bad precedent.
My parents have always moved rooms though so so I guess I've seen it throughout a very happy 30+ yr relationship so it doesn't worry me. They always start in the same room but DM usually moves as soon as DF drops off!
How big is your bed? We are going to buy a super king to try and get a bit more space hopefully help me settle a bit more, though it won't stop the snoring.

Bunnymumy Thu 20-Aug-20 21:17:09

Nah I know a few couples with separate rooms that are happy enough. Better than not getting any sleep because of eachother. The later will breed contempt.

speakout Thu 20-Aug-20 21:20:05

Separate rooms here too.
Our relationship is solid.

Jessy2903 Thu 20-Aug-20 21:23:25

We have separate rooms and it works perfectly.
We still go to bed together every night, sometimes watching tv for a bit.
Always chat and cuddle etc.
Then when we are ready to literally sleep my husband moves to the spare room.
We still have breakfast in bed etc together, he just moves room.
Means we both get a decent sleep without disturbing each other and no resentment smile

DBML Thu 20-Aug-20 21:32:46

It horses for courses I guess and your partner should get a say too.

Personally it wouldn’t be for me. DH snores, but I love nothing more than cuddling in with him at bedtime. If he suggested separate beds or bedrooms I’d be heartbroken.

HoneyBee03 Thu 20-Aug-20 21:33:05

DH and I slept in separate bedrooms when we had our baby, as I was co-sleeping and breastfeeding through the night while he was working long hours all day. We really hated it, we felt so distant from each other. But I also totally understand how it works for some couples.

What size bed do you have? When we went back to sharing we got ourselves a superking bed and it's the best thing we ever bought. We're so far apart when sleeping and when one of us moves the other can't feel it. Most new mattresses do that now. Could this be a option?

Lavenderwisteria Thu 20-Aug-20 21:40:49

The problem with ‘your partner should get a say’ is that he isn’t sleep deprived when we bed share and I am. I don’t want to sound grumpy, he’s lovely. But it isn’t the size of the bed either. I like to wrap the quilt around me. Someone next to me means there’s a SPACE where the duvet should be! And the snoring and fidgeting and I know it isn’t just him, it’s me too. I honestly don’t know how people do it!

OP’s posts: |
Lightline Thu 20-Aug-20 21:40:54

I sleep in a separate room but I still sit in bed in the evening with DH, sex as normal etc and I bring him a coffee in the morning we sit and chat (on the weekends) so it’s fine and I’m much nicer for sleeping well 😊

AudTheDeepMinded Thu 20-Aug-20 21:42:39

Separate sleepers here. He is up before me and snores. I get murderous if my sleep is disturbed. We share on holiday and weirdly it's not an issue in a strange bed so much! We have a good relationship (together 17 years and married for ten).

speakout Thu 20-Aug-20 21:43:06

There is no real answer to this question.

Separate bedrooms may be the death some marriges, the saviour of others. Some people like sleeping alone, others like to hug partners through the night.
It is no indicator of the health of a partnership- it depends on the relationship.

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