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Anyone else find that trying to divorce an abusive husband is hard HARD work!

(148 Posts)
Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 18:08:35

I’m getting absolutely fed up with it all now. I just want to be free of this bastard but he is clinging on, dragging it on and on. It’s not bloody fair that the legal system allows them to do this. I’m fuming and I’ve wasted so much money. He’s happy for us both to completely waste everything we have spend years saving!

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Bunnymumy Thu 20-Aug-20 18:15:16

Do you need to divorce to get half of the money/things or something?

Otherwise I'd just separate. I mean, do you really want to get married again in future after all this shite? If not then why waste money divorcing?

Guarantee if he meets a new woman he'll be on contact and want to split asap thrn anyway. He is only digging in his heels now in order to cause you distress.

JamieLeeCurtains Thu 20-Aug-20 18:22:47

Are you separated? Do you have a solicitor?

Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 18:24:09

Yes I have to divorce the bastard. He scared me out the family home and he won’t leave (obviously). He won’t go into negotiations. I can do the paper divorce but this needs doing so I can get my money out of the house.

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Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 18:25:29

Today was the date that the Form E for court was meant to be exchanged but he hasn’t done it. The hearing is in a month and I know he won’t do it.

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newtb Thu 20-Aug-20 18:32:23

Yes, divorcing in France.

Money is last thing to be sorted.

His occupational pension is more than five times mine. His barrister omitted it, making out that my income is larger than his.

PicsInRed Thu 20-Aug-20 18:32:40

It's a full time job.
With the world's shittiest colleague. hmm

What will we all do with ourselves when it's all over the kids age out at 18? grin

TheOrigBrave Thu 20-Aug-20 18:37:19

The court system and solicitors feed right out of the hand of people that use ignoring and delay as a form of control.

Having to wait 3 weeks for a response you know won't happen. Paying for the solicitor to chase it up. Waiting again. Paying again. There's no consequence if letters are not answered or forms are not completed.

It made a very very difficult process even more so.

Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 18:41:46

It should not be allowed that he can use the system to continue his shitty control. He gets given so many chances that I end up paying for because I had the audacity to leave him.
God I hate this man. It seems that once you with an abuser you can’t shake the bugger off, like a tick! I met someone the other day who said he could “make a phone all” for some special kind of men to scare him....I’m not sure if it was a joke but I’m bloody tempted!

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Nackajory Thu 20-Aug-20 18:42:34

Yes it's hard work but it will be worth it in the end. Keep going, don't get drawn in to tit for tat. Stay positive you're already in a better situation than you were .

Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 18:43:43

I can just picture his smarmy f*****g face right now and I want to punch it!!!!

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crunchiebabe Thu 20-Aug-20 18:48:41

E- mail the court and make them aware that you are concerned that he is not co operating, that he clearly has no regard for legal process and that this will unnecessarily delay the progress of proceedings and inflate costs. Sadly they will be familiar with these kind of delay tactics. It's an extremely stressful time .. please try not to worry too much. My ex also delayed his fo E , tried to massage figures etc .... none of it worked.

Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 18:51:43

I just don’t understand why it is allowed to happen. There should be immediate consequences to stop people using it as a way to carry on the abuse.

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Vodkacranberryplease Thu 20-Aug-20 18:53:35

I'd take the friend up on his offer frankly. Be a lot quicker and easier.

While you are operating by the book, within the law, as women tend to do, he isn't. And never will. He will do whatever he has to. and that will always win unless you are in a scrupulously fair system with scrupulously fair people. Which you aren't.

So if you weren't playing by the rules just for a bit what could you do?

crunchiebabe Thu 20-Aug-20 18:54:16

Sadly it is allowed to happen , my ex didn't face any consequences at all . Though I have heard of judges who impose the threat of arrest if further dates are not met. These bastards try to exert power over us in this way ..

everythingbackbutyou Thu 20-Aug-20 18:55:35

Yes, so much hard work. And mine is with someone who is super keen to get it done because he wants to pretend I never existed, as per another thread I took part in. It is absolutely because you dared to leave. Mine is falling over himself to get it all sorted now though because then, presumably, he will be free to 'lock in' the victim he is currently dating and buy a house with her. Thank goodness that I am in a country where 'no fault' divorce is a thing.

Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 18:56:05

He is such a small man in stature but the bugger fears nothing. I never thought it was possible to despise someone so much!

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Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 18:58:59

I have a nisi but I’m stuck on the finances so can’t get the decree.

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Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 19:00:25

Threats of arrest don’t do anything to replace the money I’m throwing down the drain which was meant for me and my daughters new life. He said he’d make me suffer if I left...he’s doing a grand job!

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Vodkacranberryplease Thu 20-Aug-20 19:01:35

Barristers can only represent a client in something they do not have proof of. Eg the barrister has proof of the pension then he can not and will not represent his client to say it doesn't exist.

I don't know what proof you have of this pension but can you get some if not? And send it to his barrister/solicitor?

He's clearly hiding other money too if he can afford to do this. There must be a thousand ways to find out that are outside of what people usually do but just inside the law. After all if you have proof they can't question where you got it. And they certainly can't say you obtained it illegally!

And I assume since you are not divorced you still own half the house? So are entitled to enter it in some capacity? Perhaps the 'door was left open'. If he drives, as one does in France, a £20 gps tracker on his car could let you know where he is.

Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 19:26:21

I wish he would randomly start on a big man in the street and they teach him a lesson......but he won’t, he’d rather pick on women!

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crunchiebabe Thu 20-Aug-20 19:37:03

Mine is scum too ... he pretended to be such a family man , so decent. Their true colours only come out in these kind of situations. You or your legal rep must stress to the court that he is deliberately wasting time and your resources by his continued delay. It also depends on the judge you get , some are stricter than others on these matters

Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 19:44:45

I’m not even sure he will ever comply or fill out anything. His lasting words to me were if I bring in lawyers to the divorce he will make me and them suffer. He will make me waste all the money until there is nothing left and he will go to jail, he doesn’t care. How do I work with this. I stopped him having contact with his dd in December and he has tried to negotiate that with the house, I won’t budge!

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Fightingback16 Thu 20-Aug-20 19:45:51

He will never back down and let me win, I know they are not idol threats!

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MondeoFan Thu 20-Aug-20 19:48:13

I'm in the same position as you

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