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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

im lost and dont know what to do!!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!

40 replies

heavenleigh · 04/10/2007 11:44

im a married mother of three beautiful girls and pregnent with my fourth, the problem is my husband, ive been with him for 10 years but, im starting to regret everything, i have no life at all and im feeling really stuck, if i say that im leaving he tells me to go on and leave and bring up my kids with no father, almost like blackmail to make me stay, im not alowed a social life, not allowed to go to friends birthday parties and such, or go on a nite out, when i do acheive to get out, he constantly rings me all night and i have no option but to ans my phone, otherwise i get all kinds of accusations thrown at me, he however just goes and does whatever he wants when he wants and his excuse is that he works so he deserves it , and i do nothing so i dont,if i go to the shop and im gone for 10 - 15 mins i get questioned about where i have been and what i was doing, might i stress that i have never had an affair or anything of the sort to not be trusted,he has managed to drive a wedge between me and my family as well to the point where none of them speak to me anymore and i have lost all contact with them, im also 300 miles from home and feel like i have no-one, he calls me fat and ugly all the time, sometimes i feel like i cant go on, he says i have all the timeineed to do things between 9:30 in the morning and 2pm while the kids r at school, the other problem is that my kids r seeing the rows and some violence, and he convinces them to take his side my heart is breaking, am i making a big deal out of nothing?, should i just get on with it?

OP posts:

Report

TheWiltedRose · 04/10/2007 11:47

NO. LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
If hes convincing your kids to take his side when they see arguments and violence what kind of model is that setting?

The girls are going to think that when there older its ok for a man to treat themm like that because its there fault just like it was there mums.

Wake up you should have left a long time ago!
I know its going to be hard but do you really want your girls around this kind of a man?

BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 11:48

NO YOU SHOULD NOT.

He is being a manipulative bully. I would stop at 4 if I were you.
He is saying you do nothing, try leaving him with them all day and see if he still thinks it's nothin.
You are already getting the third degree so just don't answer your phone.

Or you could call his bluff and leave him and raise them on your own, doesn't sound like he'd be much of a loss. Is he at least good with the kids???

Charlee · 04/10/2007 11:50

No leave him.

This is emotional abuse.

You and your children don't deserve it.

Contact your family to reconcile with them and see if they will help you to leave him.
It may be tough to take that leap but it will be worth it.

He is a bully.

BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 11:50

But actually, violence, get out now.

Your kids should not be seeing violence, and he should not be making them think it's okay to do it, which if they side with him they are.

Can you moe back home, 300 miles ought to be enough to convince him you're serious.

How old are your kids???

Meeely2 · 04/10/2007 11:51

er, i think u know deep down what needs to be done. You are a deeply unhappy woman with a very controlling husband.

Try writing down his good points versus his bad points. When you can clearly see that bad outweighs the good then get out of the relationship now.

I'm not going to state the obvious, but you aren't stupid enough to think this is how normal relationships function.....do you and your girls a favour, leave....

BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 11:51

Your family will surely be relieved that you are leaving him, they have probably seen through him for a long time and hopefully will welcome you back.

heavenleigh · 04/10/2007 11:52

they are 7 5 & 4

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BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 11:53

and soon a newborn, so you have your hands full. Plus I'm sure you are busy when they are at school.
What do you, in your heart of hearts think you should do , and want to do????/
Answer honestly, and you should see.

Charlee · 04/10/2007 11:53

Are things really that bad with your family?

If you called them and said, that your leaving H and your sorry that he has driven a wedge between you, would they help you?

sKerryMum · 04/10/2007 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doggiesayswoof · 04/10/2007 11:58

you are not making a big deal over nothing.

How much worse would your life be without him?

Ask yourself this and try to answer honestly.

Contact your family and ask them for help.

There is also women's aid

Baffy · 04/10/2007 11:59

I bet your family would welcome you back with open arms if they knew it was to get you away from him.

Raising 4 children alone will be better than the life you're living.

And if you go back to your family I'm sure they will give you all the help and support in the world.

Please don't stay there any longer

mishymoo · 04/10/2007 12:01

Oh heavenleigh - I really feel for you and like another poster said, I think you know deep down what you need to do.... LEAVE your bully of a husband. I know it is probably easier said than done and I guess you're probably scared of bringing up 4 DCs on your own but you CAN do it!

Good idea to contact your family and ask for their help - I'm sure they will do everything they can to help you start a new life without him.

He sounds like a nasty, controlling, manipulative bully and there is already violence in your marriage, I doubt that things will any better.

I hope you sort this out soon.

heavenleigh · 04/10/2007 12:02

yeah you are all right i guess i just needed some encouragement, im just at the point where im so confused he tells me i have mental problems and need help where everyone that knows me thinks that im ok, i think he actually had me convinced at 1 point, not that im an angel or anything i have bad points to and i suppose i do wind him up at times but not without good reason, and no im afraid my mother has said she will never have anything to do with me again i do however have a best friend who is always there for me, you see ive left before and came back, he does adore the kids and would neverr hurt them intentually, is it worth my while to try marrage councling or talking to him?

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BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 12:06

What kind of violence are you talking about here, not that any is acceptable esp in front of the kids.

Turquoise · 04/10/2007 12:08

He is hurting them - by their witnessing his abuse of you.
Call women's aid.

heavenleigh · 04/10/2007 12:11

thank you all so much for all your help i really appreciate it, im feeling a little stuck as he pays for everything and takes care of everything for me, i feel bad for complaining about him because he is also a really nice person aswell, he has a bad side though a very bad side, me as well i suppose, i just feel so usless and stupid, and maybe i should just make the break and see how i get on you right it couldnt be worse really

OP posts:

mishymoo · 04/10/2007 12:12

Does anyone think that marriage counselling might help heavenleigh - a few good sessions with Relate or something?

Not sure if it has gone too far for that though?

heavenleigh · 04/10/2007 12:14

well for example, last night we had a pretty bad argument, im 17 weeks pregnent, he pushed me a few times accross the room the threw me on the ground i hit my stomach on the end of the sofa, he told me that i hit my stomach purpose, that he ment to throw me on the floor, so again it was my fault

OP posts:

BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 12:14

Does he pay you for looking after HIS kids, NO he doesn't. What you do is just as important as what he does, it just doesn't bring money in. I HATE this attitude in men it is not right.
I know you wouldn't want your DD's in a relationship like this, so take the advice that you would give them.

You will be fine on your own, it is quite easy to survive and even do quite well on benefits, tho I know it is not ideal. .You will be a lot happier. He will soon realise how hard it is when he has them all on his own every other weekend. The notion that you do nothing is ridiculous.

BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 12:15

OH WHAT???

It's your fault that he threw you and hurt your stomach is it??

FGS, if he has been violent towards you then you can get him removed from the property by the police.

You have 2 witnesse who can testify that Daddy thought it was funny to hurt mummy.
Call the police, record it in their records so that they are aware he is violent, do it cos if you don't you have no proof.

BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 12:16

sorry 3 witnesses, I am typing too fast as I am outraged.

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Charlee · 04/10/2007 12:18

First off -

If he has hurt your stomach, get baby checked.

Secondly -

Either contact your friend, or womans aid and get the hell out of there.
He is being physically and emotionally violent.
That should be enough to leave, if nothing else. you have to think of your kids and yourdself.

BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 12:19

I think you should be able to get him removed and not able to come back if he is violent and has actually hit you. The police should remove him and charge him if you tell them you want to, then you wont have to leave your home.

BandofMutantMonsters · 04/10/2007 12:19

Pushing and hurting you should be enough , by hit I meant hurt.

Flip

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