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Anyone want to be Shirley Valentine for a while?

(3 Posts)
mychildsachild Wed 19-Aug-20 23:34:48

Hi people, I have been married to H, (not really DH) for 23 years and together for 26 years. We are quietly ticking away at being together at the moment as we are not in a position to separate. We have children 20, 17, 12. He is passive aggressive with issues from his childhood. (Too nice I think). Over bearing mummy syndrome! I am very very tired of it all. His passive aggressive behaviour has all but finished me. He is miserable, sulky, talks like a baby when he's in a good mood with me and looks like he hates me at other times. I've tried to get hom into therapy for the last 20 years but he has never gone and took antidepressants for about 2 weeks and lied to me about them for months. He is rude to people I introduce him to as part of my/our work and wont speak to people. He never sees his friends and they think he's boring now which is true. He doesn't have anything to talk about as he works on his own and doesn't see his friends or any one else. He has in the past asked to come back home when me and the kids made him leave. Then everything goes back to his usual sulking demeanour. I have begged him, shouted at him, cuddled him and whispered to him and loved and protected him in bids to make him happy and stay as a family. We have a massive mortgage because he has lived our whole married life on credit that he has added to the mortgage for 25 years. When i type this I sound pathetic but I have always wanted my children to have a daddy in the house. It has not all been bad. He can be funny when he wants to, but that's the point. He doesn't want to be funny or have fun. He hides from it. I am planning to learn to drive and seperate next year as I will lose my job when we split. Just wondered how others have got through it. I feel like I'm plotting to break my children's hearts and change their lives badly but I can't hold on much longer.

OP’s posts: |
The80sweregreat Thu 20-Aug-20 11:24:06

That sounds tough , but it also sounds as if you don't love him anymore and just with him for the children's sake. Can you talk to him to tell him how you feel or will he just dismiss it?
Why will you lose your job if you split up? Will you need to move far away from where you are now?
I hope someone has better advice for you but he does sound hard work.

FatBottomedGurl Thu 20-Aug-20 11:29:09

@mychildsachild You sound very worn down from your post.
Whilst I am divorced, and I did leave my husband, the circumstances were very different (abuse, kids were toddlers etc). So, I don't have advice that's specific to your situation.

What I can tell you is that I'm 10+ years down the line now and life is a million times better without him in my life.

Can you imagine yourself living this stale life for the next 20/30 years? If you don't change things, that could become your reality. Your children deserve to have happy parents. Its genuinely more harmful to their self esteem for you to stay in an unhappy relationship. Its important to teach your children that they deserve genuine happiness and that marriage does not mean sticking through anything just because of vows.

It sounds like you have dedicated your life to your family for a long time, at your own expense, happiness-wise. Start looking after yourself and things will fall in to place. You cannot pour from an empty cup...

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