Inlaws and money

[Bowlmeover]

My inlaws have a lot of money, my parents are poor. We've had a few cheques for nice (not huge) sums of money from them over the last few years.
My inlaws don't like to give me money however and always give the money or cheques to my husband, solely in his name.
Then when they learn that we have bought something specific with the money, a new car, kitchen etc, they start referring to it as "DH's car" "DH's kitchen." It always makes me feel like a second rate citizen.
Then, recently they wanted to give DS some money for something inparticular and FIL got the money from his wallet to hand over. I was standing right next to him and I naively held out my hand, but he turned his body completely away from me and made his way over to the opposite side of the room to give the money to DH. He seemed very assertive in the way he did it and I felt quite offended.
They clearly have an issue with me sharing their gifts of money with DH or even holding the money that they give for our children. They don't seem to understand why I have worked part-time since having our children (both pre-school age up until now) and I think they begrudge me not earning a bigger proportion of our income. It's as if they have come to believe that I am living off DH (and them) and that I am somehow undeserving, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
They can be very generous, so I feel a little ungrateful for sharing this, but I really don't like the way their comments and behaviour is making me feel.

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

Trouble is that they can be very generous but they're making a point of not being generous to you.

I didn't have this on the same scale but DH's gp's give our dc small notes and DH normally hands it to me as "she has the purse".

What does your DH day when you told him how uncomfortable you feel about their attitude?

[cheeseychovolate]

I'd be very upset if my in-laws did this. What does your husband think?

[Bowlmeover]

He hasn't said a lot about it. I think he is all knowing about their attitudes around money, maybe a little embarrassed even (they talk about money a lot and he will pull them up on this). I haven't directly put his to him though, perhaps I've made some small comments though. Part of me is concerned that I'll come across as a money-grabber if I say anything outwardly.

I've even noticed the funny looks I get from FIL if I'm driving "DH's car" which they bought for him. I drive it because it's safer, more accessible and more reliable than our other rust-bucket when I am the one driving the DCs around most of the time. FIL will say "so DH has your car today, does he?"
Then I find myself explaining why that's so whilst thinking to myself that I don't owe him an explanation. It's like they would be happier for us to live on entirely different incomes, with entirely different lifestyles.

[cheeseychovolate]

My in-laws are generous to me and my husband, if they were to make me feel bad for earning less and made a point about the money being for my husband I'd tell my husband not to take anything from them again, if they can't give it with a good heart then I'd not want it.

[Elouera]

Do you and DH have a joint bank account? I ask, because DH and I dont, therefore if we were given a cheque in both our names, I dont even know if we could cash it??? Is this the reason cheques are only in your DH's name? How long have you been together? It does seem very odd, but there is the option of your DH not accepting it until they consider you part of the family and treat you as such!

[BackforGood]

See, I have the opposite.
My PiL assume "because I am the wife" that I obviously deal with all the things - she saves coins to give them pocket money, and always hands it to me when e see them, or if she is handing over a birthday present the week before their birthday or whatever...... or if she brings some food (fruit from the garden) when she comes, it is given to me, as obviously anything to do with the dc or the household is down to the wife.

I actually think it is far more normal to 'deal with' your own dc (so in this case, their ds - your dh - than their 'in-law'. I'd think it quite strange if a parents by passed their own dc to give a large cheque to a Dil or Sil.

[JaniceBattersby]

Every time they said some shit about you driving ‘DH’s’ car I’d just pointedly say ‘no, the car belongs to both of us because we are married and so we share our stuff’.

[eveningfalls]

They have way too much power over you. Take it back, make them irrelevant to you. "so DH has your car today, does he?" answer no, DH said this can be my car as he is better and more confident driving the old rust bucket.

Really, you feel that they think you are not good enough for their son. No matter what, that won't change, you won't make them understand, I'd accept that and just keep taking the money . As long as your husband is the type of husband who says to you, ok I have the money they have given but it goes into the family pot and as long as it goes into your sons pocket and you take it back out of it in the car and buy for him, fuck it don't give them another thought, just benefit off their 'kind donations' and have the last laugh. I wouldn't be particularly accommodating of them personally.

[DarklyDreamingDexter]

I’m not surprised you are offended as their behaviour is unpleasant.. The car thing I kind of get, as people often talk about my car or your car, but DH’s kitchen? In your shared house presumably. Your DH needs to step in when they say things like this and correct them so they understand how offensive you both find it. You need to clearly explain it to him first so he understands your perfectly reasonable feelings. You’re his wife and mother of his children, not some short term girlfriend or gold digger he’s just picked up.

[Anordinarymum]

@JaniceBattersby

Every time they said some shit about you driving ‘DH’s’ car I’d just pointedly say ‘no, the car belongs to both of us because we are married and so we share our stuff’.

Agree with this. If you don't address these things when they crop up then you are actually buying into the situation

[Medievalist]

Agree you should respond to say stuff is shared.

But I'd also take as many opportunities as possible to say things like, "we're so pleased with OUR new car/kitchen etc - thanks again for giving US the money". Followed by a big smile.

[AgentJohnson]

I can understand why it’s frustrating but financial independence would stop this.

Have fun with their pomposity, keep referring to the items as ours and go on and on about how much input you had in spending the money.

[Bowlmeover]

I've actually stopped thanking them for things their money has bought as they don't seem to have been intended for me. I just enjoy them and take them as mine.
The car thing plays on my mind a lot, when I get the funny looks when I pull in their driveway. Our other car is falling apart and we can't afford to replace it yet, DH doesn't mind driving it but I prefer not to with DCs in the car. I'm planning financial independence once they both start school.

[Iloveacurry]

They sound unpleasant. Out of interest, how is the set up in the PILs home? Do they both work full time? You say they’re have a lot of money, but is it their own money they worked for jointly? Or have they been lucky with pensions, inheritance, etc.

Of course you could have fun commenting ‘ours’ a lot!

[Medievalist]

I've actually stopped thanking them for things their money has bought as they don't seem to have been intended for me.

But that's the point! Think how much it will wind them up if you keep thanking them for gifts not intended for you!

[user1493413286]

I’m not surprised by it as what they do is quite offensive; i actually wouldn’t expect you to be grateful as they aren’t giving you the money they’re giving it to your DH. As others have said I would make the point to them that as you’re married things are shared whenever they say anything.

[ReadyforTakeOff]

I can understand both sides. Depends on circumstances but in reality they probably are doing things for the kids.e.g. new car to keep them safe etc. Personally I would be embarrassed taking cash in hand from anyone but that's just me.

Your PIL should sort out their tax affairs and see a financial planner so they feel the money is going to who they want and how they want. Handing wads of cash out isn't that smart and I would be wary around the tax implications...

You may be married etc but not everyone sees things the same unfortunately or fortunately when it comes to cash.

[Bluntness100]

I don’t know how to ask this politely but if they are having to buy you both a car, which sounds like you needed, or a kitchen, and having to give your kids money to buy things etc is money tight for you? I suspect they maybe see your husband working to pay for everything, and they having to step in to help you both, and as you said don’t understand why you’re not contributing more financially.

Their behaviour is not ok, they are clearly making a point, but I wonder also if you’re sensitive to it, or feeling a bit guilty that you both need and take their money, and that maybe your husband is too?

[SandysMam]

I would just suck it up, nod and smile and enjoy your new car and new kitchen PAID FOR BY YOUR IN-LAWS!! Or stop taking the handouts...but you won’t change people like this, and protesting will probably make them stop giving anything if they are arseholes enough to do it in the first place. They sound way too involved in your lives.

[Noneformethanks]

The way they say his car and his kitchen is not right.

But.

I have a son who lives with his long term partner.

If I give them money I give it to him. I put it in his bank account.

They can do what they want with it I don’t care and they presumably share it I’ve never asked and I don’t care but if I put the money in his bank. So I don’t think that bit is weird.

[Bowlmeover]

They probably are too involved.
But, they also can be very helpful, not only with money but with emergency childcare when we need it. My own parents are terribly unreliable.

DH probably relies on them financially and practically far too much.

[Noneformethanks]

And to be honest if your other car is that bad, neither of you should be driving it.



I’d worry about DS driving a bucket and if I had the money I’d buy him a new car if I could.

But I’d also worry about dil and grandkids in a bucket so I’d probably look to buy 2 better cars.

Why do you need their help so much? Are you really struggling for money? Can you afford for you to be part time?

[ttigerlilly]

They might be generous but I think their behaviour is just childish to be honest

[HollowTalk]

Do you both of the parents work equally? Does his mum work full time?

[FinnyStory]

My parents completely understand that we share everything financial but if they give money to us, it's only because I'm their daughter. They wouldn't be giving it to DH if we weren't together. That said my parents aren't giving the kinds of sums or as frequently you ILs seem to be.

Ultimately it's their money. They can give it (or not) as they see fit. If you don't like the way it's given you could always stop accepting it.