I don’t want sex with dh...but I do miss sex

(102 Posts)
Sweetsangria Wed 19-Aug-20 19:49:54

I’m 38 and I’ve been married for 15 years, together with dh for 18 years and two dc aged 11 and 5.
We’ve never had much sex, not long after we met dh gave me an sti. He told me he’d been checked and then after admitted that he a precious girlfriend had told him she’d got the sti but he hadn’t actually been checked. For some reason, even though I only had it for a matter of a couple of weeks, it left me with ongoing issues and I really struggled for ages - whether it was purely psychological I don’t know - to have sex. Dh refused to do ‘anything else’ as it wound him up because he’s really only ever been about full sex. Consequently we just stopped. Even when we got married we weren’t having sex and I think we went a number of years without it at all until we wanted dc1. That only took a few cycles and then after dc we didn’t have sex again until we wanted dc2 - that took a bit longer but we only ever had sex at that point. The time when we might conceive. It was just to conceive.
Now dc2 is 5 and it’s been a couple of years at least. I want sex but I don’t want it with dh. He will hug me and we will hold hands but that’s it. He instigates it, never me. The sex when we’ve had it is pretty rubbish and over in a few minutes, he just goes straight for full penetrative sex and that’s it. Still, at least it’s over quickly.
I’ve said about it and he says sex isn’t the most important thing... it isn’t, but it increasingly feels as though it is important to some degree.
I don’t want sex with dh ever again, I feel certain. I just can’t go back there, I don’t think of him like that at all, but how selfish is it to end a marriage over it? When there are children involved. I don’t understand why he isn’t more bothered himself.

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Sweetsangria Wed 19-Aug-20 19:52:29

A previous girlfriend. Not a precious one 😂

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MulticolourMophead Wed 19-Aug-20 20:23:21

I think the sex is not your only issue. I wonder whether counselling will help you sort out your feelings.

I wouldn't rule out ending the marriage, it doesn't sound like you're happy.

I left my ex after over 30 years together. Sex was one of many, many issues; by the time I left I was faking it because I just didn't want sex with him any more.

Yet I do like sex, I want to experience sex with others (he was the only one I ever slept with). I just don't ever want him touching me again and have no plans to let him anywhere near me.

Sweetsangria Wed 19-Aug-20 20:27:50

I think I’ve told myself it’s not important for a really long time, and it’s not great for dh either. We shouldn’t have got married.
The problem is - im not sure I can rediscover the spark because I don’t think it’s ever been there. When he walks past me and slaps me on the bottom and says ‘nice arse’ I could honestly smack him in the face. It makes me cringe. I don’t want him to touch me in a sexual way at all.

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category12 Wed 19-Aug-20 20:31:33

Why did you get married?

You're only 38, do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Aerial2020 Wed 19-Aug-20 20:32:43

Is that his foreplay???
No wonder you've lost interest.
And the STI has caused psychological issues. The trust at the start was damaged and never repaired.
A woman usually needs to feel connected to her long term partner for it to be enjoyable. You don't sound connected at all and I'm not surprised if he gives you no foreplay and a sti.

Sweetsangria Wed 19-Aug-20 20:33:25

I really don’t know, it feels like a lifetime ago. I was too young really and on the rebound at the time.
I don’t hate dh or anything, I just don’t want to live without sex for the rest of my life. He is right though, it’s not the most important thing and plenty of longterm relationships end up sexless.

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AllTheWhoresOfMalta Wed 19-Aug-20 20:34:55

Life is too short for this.

Sweetsangria Wed 19-Aug-20 20:35:37

The sti made me feel dirty. Ridiculous really, they are common enough, but it really really upset me at the time.

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Sweetsangria Wed 19-Aug-20 20:37:42

It’s not just my life though... it’s dh and the dc. And there’s no saying I’d meet anyone else anyway. I could end up still being sexless... although at least I wouldn’t have to have sex with someone I don’t want to have sex with.

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Aerial2020 Wed 19-Aug-20 20:37:57

He lied though

Aerial2020 Wed 19-Aug-20 20:38:58

It's not ridiculous, this is your life.

Aerial2020 Wed 19-Aug-20 20:39:35

You're 38. Of course you would meet someone else.

Babamamananarama Wed 19-Aug-20 20:40:16

You are modelling relationships for your children right now. Is this what you want them to settle for?

I'd be out if it was me. You have no obligation to stay in this marriage 'for the sake of the children'. Arguably it's not in their long-term best interests.

Sweetsangria Wed 19-Aug-20 20:40:38

Yes...but it was the best part of 20 years ago. I feel I should have let it go by now.
I should have left him at the time but I was so upset (I know, stupid really, but I was relatively inexperienced having only slept with my long term previous boyfriend and we’d been together for three years) and then sex was so painful and awful. Everything kind of got tied up together and I suppose part of me felt like I was sullied in some way, which is also ridiculous.

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Aerial2020 Wed 19-Aug-20 20:45:20

It's really not and saying you should have let it go is putting the blame on yourself

SandyY2K Wed 19-Aug-20 20:45:31

This isn't sustainable in the long term really.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 19-Aug-20 20:48:09

You shouldn’t have got married. And what a joyless way to bring children into the world sad

But way too late now so all you can do is move on, have as amicable a divorce as possible and be great coparents to your DC. You sound like you despise him. Even if it’s not actively unhappy it’s not enough, for either of you. And surely you want your DC to grow up with a better model of adult romantic relationships than a mum and dad who tolerate each other.

category12 Wed 19-Aug-20 20:48:39

You only get one shot at this life. There are no do-overs.

Sweetsangria Wed 19-Aug-20 20:52:36

I have mentioned it to him before and he just got quite sexually aggressive. After he’d said it wasn’t important he was then sexually aggressive.

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category12 Wed 19-Aug-20 20:55:08

What do you mean "sexually aggressive"? He assaulted you, forced you, pressured you?

Aerial2020 Wed 19-Aug-20 20:57:40

That's a worrying detail

SoulofanAggron Wed 19-Aug-20 20:58:49

When he walks past me and slaps me on the bottom and says ‘nice arse’ I could honestly smack him in the face

Aaargh! Given how things are between you sexually, that's really tone deaf. If he wanted to turn the relationship more sexual , he would have to be respectful/subtle about it.

This is the impression I got, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

It became a power struggle/he is manipulative about it. You wanted other stuff, but because you didn't 'give' him penetrative sex because you didn't feel able to do it, he refused you what you wanted.

It has become about him controlling you/having his way, and that's why when he does shag you he just sticks his c*ck in you and doesn't consider what might do it for you at all. He resents that you weren't so keen on having sex with him after he gave you an STI while lying and saying he'd been tested.

The 'nice arse' and unwanted slap show that sexually he sees you as an object/chattel rather than a person. He thinks you are his.

I imagine him as having been quite pushy and manipulative, stroppy about it all in the past sometimes.

The sti made me feel dirty. Ridiculous really, they are common enough, but it really really upset me at the time.

You had sex with him based on the belief he had been tested and was clear. Your consent was based on that. He hadn't been tested and wasn't clear. This means that you didn't consent to the sex you'd previously had as your consent was based on a condition which he knowingly didn't adhere to. He effectively raped you, you did not consent to sex with him while infected and he still did it, that's why you feel violated and it's messed you up about sex.

SoulofanAggron Wed 19-Aug-20 21:00:31

I took a long time composing my comment and your updates seem to confirm what this guy is like. He is sexually abusive. I know how awful it is to live that way. Please find a way to separate from him.

SoulofanAggron Wed 19-Aug-20 21:05:16

And there’s no saying I’d meet anyone else anyway.

Even the elephant man married, and I'm sure you're more conventionally attractive than that. You'll find another lover when you're ready. If you feel it might help you, you could seek counselling for the rape and sexual violence you've endured. A lot of people would be left with trauma from that.

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