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Abusive Husband

(39 Posts)
damnthisvirusandmarriage Wed 19-Aug-20 18:46:38

He’s been coming EVERY FUCKING DAY to see us.

Yesterday he twisted my daughters arm to get something out of it. Said she was a liar and trying to cause trouble when she protested. She’s 3.

Today he told our other daughter he doesn’t like her.

Police aren’t interested. They’re on his side he says as he tells them he is coming over every time he does. And this is his right.

Moving isn’t an option. I’m literally sick to the back teeth of this.

OP’s posts: |
StealthLemonade Wed 19-Aug-20 18:55:43

You need a solicitor, and a non mol. Womens aid are amazing. Police can be useless unless there is a "crime" and a wheelbarrow full of evidence also. Civil court doesnt have the same thresholds, but do keep logging with the poloce too

StealthLemonade Wed 19-Aug-20 18:56:31

Occupation order also

RealLifeHotWaterBottle Wed 19-Aug-20 19:01:10

Has he simply said the police aren't interested or have you found them to be unhelpful? Are you staying in a joint owned property? Frankly, if he doesn't have court approved visitation rights and doesnt own the property I wouldn't let him in.

damnthisvirusandmarriage Wed 19-Aug-20 19:07:26

Jointly owned property. Police changed locks and added alarms to doors and windows for me.

He’s saying I’m a liar and a fantasist and I’m schizophrenic. I’m making it up to paint a bad picture of him. FfS I want my kids to have a nice father and I constantly tell them he loves them. They can’t be round him. He makes them cry all the time. I can’t explain it.

OP’s posts: |
damnthisvirusandmarriage Wed 19-Aug-20 19:08:05

I’ve had enough. I can’t see a way out of this at all. I can’t even see other people as it’s too dangerous and frightening.

OP’s posts: |
RealLifeHotWaterBottle Wed 19-Aug-20 19:09:12

Do you have anything in place re a non mol order? I second the above comment, get in touch with womens aid and get some legal advice.

ClamDango Wed 19-Aug-20 19:18:40

He is known to the police if they changed the locks and put alarms in. What happens if you just dont let him in and call the police. Call womens aid and apply for a non mol order. Does he have visitation rights decided by the court.

namechange12a Wed 19-Aug-20 19:24:07

On what grounds does she apply for the Non Mol and with what evidence?

Sounds like you've accessed the Sanctuary Scheme or something similar and the police were involved OP.

The police and other services, are used to perpetrators of abuse claiming to be victims and that their victims have mental health issues.

What do you want to do?

damnthisvirusandmarriage Wed 19-Aug-20 19:32:30

I want to move in. I want him to see his children but not everyday. Once or twice a week. Supervised. And I want him to be pleasant to me. If I do this (I’ve tried) I get called all sorts of names etc.

OP’s posts: |
LexMitior Wed 19-Aug-20 19:37:33

You need a lawyer and a non molestation order. Really. You won’t be able to deal with this man unless you get formal.

Please don’t treat him like a reasonable person. He is not.

damnthisvirusandmarriage Wed 19-Aug-20 19:43:45

He says it’s me though. My fault. He is reasonable and I’m not. Honestly, and objectively I know this isn’t true. But doubt is creeping in

OP’s posts: |
LexMitior Wed 19-Aug-20 19:45:46

It is bollocks. Stop talking to him. As long as he has these conversations just between you two, the more he likes it.

Get the order. Don’t be nice or reasonable. He isn’t being that.

namechange12a Wed 19-Aug-20 19:53:20

Do you mean to move on?

Regarding supervised contact, here are your options:

Contact Centre. You can make a self referral here. You fill out the forms and will have an interview. They'll tell you how long you can use the centre for.

Another way of having supervised contact is to arrange for a family member or friend to supervise contact and ensure that your child is safe during contact.

You may need to consider applying to the court for a child arrangement order to put these arrangements in place. Rights of Women can advise you on how to do this or you could try FLOWS for free legal advice.

You can contact Gingerbread who have a free helpline on 0808 802 0925 if you would like to talk through your specific situation with an adviser.

Until you have something else sorted out, I'd immediately stop contact citing child safeguarding.

Download the Brightsky app and start taking evidence. You can record audio and video and there is a journal where you can write down what happens.

Date/Time it started-time it ended/What happened/How it made you feel/Witnesses-evidence

10.03.20 Ex twisted our daughter's arm around until she started crying. I took her away in order to comfort her as she was crying. Ex started shouting at me and called me crazy. I asked him to leave.

I felt intimidated and frightened as he's been aggressive to me before.

Witnessed by my mum who was there at the time.

You get the idea? You can also download evidence sheets from the computer, I think the National Stalking Helpline has them on their website. If not just do a search or buy a notepad.

The Family Law Panel has solicitors trained in DV - the ones with a purple ribbon. Some also have reduced fees depending on how much you earn.

You sound like you need further support. I would contact your local DV organisation which you can find here. Being in contact with a DV organisation adds to evidence of abuse as they can write letters for you and you can ask them about counselling. Some offer counselling or can point you towards appropriate counsellors. If you can't find anything free or cheap (if you're strapped for cash) try Anxiety UK who have low rate therapy for those on a low income.

If he turns up and is aggressive, you do not let him in. You call the police. You do that every.single.time. See if you can get one of those door bells with a camera so you have evidence of him kicking off at the door.

Why don't you feel as though you can go out? Is he stalking you? What's going on there?

Vodkacranberryplease Wed 19-Aug-20 20:01:49

Can you set up a nanny cam/cctv inside he doesnt know about? A few minutes of footage of him assaulting your daughter & hes done. You need proof & dont have it - dso get it & then get the order/supervised contact.

What kind of sicko twists a 3 year olds arm?

damnthisvirusandmarriage Wed 19-Aug-20 21:29:13


That’s really helpful. Thank you so much.

Whether I’ve been out or go out he accuses me of seeing someone else. He will never have the kids (when they’re asleep) as he thinks I’m out seeing other people. I can’t even go for a walk round the block. He makes up every excuse.

I’ve spoken to police again this evening. I’ve asked them why they allow this to continue. I’m awaiting a call back. Won’t hold my breath.

I have a solicitor but me and her need to giddy up a bit tbh.

Women’s aid are on to this too.

I’ll push for more tomorrow 😞

OP’s posts: |
SoulofanAggron Wed 19-Aug-20 21:36:28

Report him specifically for twisting your daughter's arm. That is assault.

Even if it can't be proven, it will lie on file and add to what's there about him.

StealthLemonade Wed 19-Aug-20 21:46:54

This sounds harsh but the police are not allowing this - you are. I am a little confused - are you still living together? If so, you need to apply to the court to get him out. Without really solid evidence, the police's hands are tied. I reported my ex sooooo many times, but the police just can't get it to the CPS, or past it. Sometimes there is police who don't take the right action at the time, but more and more I was actually seeing they struggle to define the actual crime. "Domestic violence" isn't a crime, if that makes sense. My ex did horrid things, some admitted to and some even recently to the DC. The police all but admitted they were helpless as they have to prove "beyond all reasonable doubt". Obviously, don't stop reporting and try to be realy smart with evidence building. Keep all conversations to messages as much as possible, don't get sucked into arguements etc. Get your child counselling - both to actually help, but also it will be evidence if your child discloses things to the professional. I spent a long time sort of waiting for a professional to "do their job", but so so many don't really understand DV. Even now one set of professionals says I should be speaking directly to my ex, I just say no. It's too dangerous. You have to get control of this yourself, or else he WILL write the narrative. Womens aid really are amazing. Also, time is of the essence with non-mols. You don't even need a solicitor, if they are dragging their heels. Make the application asap (like yesterday) and just have the solicitor if it goes to a contested hearing if needs be. My solicitor took 2 weeks to do my application, and though a judge really did sympathise he said he will struggle now to grant it. I didn't even get a final hearing for it in the end (lots of adjournments too!) but I know so many women who turned up at court in the morning and were granted one by lunchtime. And don't doubt yourself, he;s gaslighting you. Please please, best thing you will do is really immerse yourself in as much womens aid as possible

Fightingback16 Wed 19-Aug-20 22:08:59

Stop the contact, you have nothing in place to dictate otherwise. Let him take you to court over access and get something in place that is safe for you and your children. You need to keep in the forefront of your mind he is not interested in your children. They are the connection between you and him and he is just loving it. I played that game for about 8 months in which time he had me twisted in knots trying to fit in with his demands, confused, guilty for taking them away. All rubbish, I eventually stopped contact with him all together and that was 8 months ago. No court application had been made because he isn’t getting the rise from me. You absolutely have to stop all contact, it is the only way.

Be prepared with your non-mom ready right now and on the last incident get it into the court ex-parte. It means that it will be issued immediately. Be prepared for him to be pissed off that you have made a boundary get that non mol drafted now! Show him you won’t tolerate this anymore.

Fightingback16 Wed 19-Aug-20 22:12:45

And get the occupation order simultaneously. Do not let him in the house and sit with your children so you can go out leaving them with him, it’s not safe. Do not need him for anything, you will have do be doing it on your own.

Oct18mummy Wed 19-Aug-20 22:14:24

He’s assaulted your daughter. Report it do the police and get a restraining order in place.

namechange12a Thu 20-Aug-20 10:29:21

he says as he tells them he is coming over every time he does. And this is his right.

OP why is he saying this? Why is he saying that he's telling the police he's coming over? No one tells the police they are visiting their children. Is there an injunction in place?

My guess is that there's a non mol/occupation order in place and he's breaking them.

That's the only explanation I can think of for you being allowed to change the locks on a jointly owned property. Otherwise he has a legal right to live there. I can't imagine this man voluntarily leaving his house unless there's an injunction in place.

It sounds to me as though you have a lot of support already. You have the support of Women's Aid and you have instructed a solicitor. Do you have an IDVA?

You need to stop letting him into the property OP. WA will have already advised you of this. If there's an injunction in place, contact the police when he breaks it. Your problem will be solved then as he'll be arrested (if arrest is attached). Breaching a non mol is a criminal act, so keep reporting him.

Stop child contact and stop responding to his calls or messages. Go through your solicitor and ask WA for advice.

damnthisvirusandmarriage Thu 20-Aug-20 11:33:15

Spoken to a really helpful police officer this morning who was talking along the lines of harrassment. So fingers crossed.

OP’s posts: |
Vodkacranberryplease Thu 20-Aug-20 13:07:26


Spoken to a really helpful police officer this morning who was talking along the lines of harrassment. So fingers crossed.

Great! It only takes one switched on one! Many years ago I had a stalker. I'd had one breakfast and one lunch both business and he had gone nuts. But the very helpful police man showed me how to go to court to get a non molestation order under the domestic violence act! Which I did. Never saw him again.

Work with the cop, follow their advice and it will all be fine. Don't back down or let the ex intimidate you - they often say they will do x and don't. And then everything is on record.

Vodkacranberryplease Thu 20-Aug-20 13:08:48

Oh and PRESS CHARGES IF THEY CSN BE PRESSED. You may lose and he may get a short sentence and it may piss him off but it's all on record. Then the second he does anything the police have the ammo they need.

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