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How do I stop feeling guilty?

(5 Posts)
Worakls Wed 19-Aug-20 11:22:52

Hi! Posted a few times over the months about my separation from ex but have name changed. To summarise, discovered in October that my husband had had another affair 2 years previously (he ended it and changed jobs). This was the third one I know of. A week or so later my dad had a heart attack and was taken very sick so I went to stay with him. It wasn't until January that I managed to deal with my marriage. So I told husband it was over and he moved out in Feb. He asked for a year before I filed for divorce to get help but I found out that weeks later he was OLD so I've filed and started mediation.
Anyway, the point of this is that I keep feeling guilty for my kids and sad for the family I chose to break up. We're away on holiday at the minute and I keep getting waves of sadness and guilt that their dad is missing all this and that we should be doing this as a family unit 🙁. I know it's his fault but I am the one who chose to end it, he was prepared to work at it and go to therapy and rebuild.
Please help me see sense.

OP’s posts: |
CatpissEverdine Wed 19-Aug-20 11:29:17

I totally empathise and sympathise. I ended it with my narc and abusive ex and I do still feel pangs of guilt - especially as I have moved on and met somebody lovely and he is still alone. He has always had the ability to make me feel guilty though. All men have. Is it something innate within us? I thought it might be because I was brought up catholic. Please enjoy your holiday. You have been through a lot and his cheating ways would continue and cause you a lot of pain. No amount of therapy would change that. He needed to be willing to change and he wasn't. You have also shown your children that you are strong and unwilling to be treated appallingly. A valuable lesson. They may be very relieved that you have ended it. I was when my parents split and the arguing and flirting with other people stopped. Try and have a lovely break.

Worakls Wed 19-Aug-20 12:03:28

Hi. Thanks for replying. It's weird isn't it. I can't quite comprehend why I don't hate his guts. When I see the kids upset or I am grieving for the life we had the future I thought we would have, I don't feel angry, just very very sad. And of course the guilt that I chose this. I suppose I'd feel better if the kids knew the real reason but as they are young (9 and 5) I didn't want them knowing and hating their dad, so they think it was a mutual decision...

OP’s posts: |
category12 Wed 19-Aug-20 12:12:10

How many affairs do you think a person should tolerate?

Sure, he'd pay lip service to counselling and "working at it" etc, but someone who cheats on you multiple times is very unlikely to reform. My ex never wanted us to split up, but he also never wanted to keep it in his pants.

The guilt isn't yours. He's the one who broke the trust and broke the relationship.

LadyCatStark Wed 19-Aug-20 12:14:38

Of course he was willing to work at it, he’s the one who did the wrong thing! This is entirely his fault and his fault only. You are not to blame for any of this and you deserve to be happy.

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