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Constant criticism(5 Posts)
I've just cried three days in a row, firstly my sibling kept on about the fact my children have put weight on over lockdown in messages to me, not once or twice but repeatedly till
I just gave in and agreed. I didn't want second hand shoes for my child from hers, they were barely used, because my children don't want to wear Velcro's at high school. My mother started yesterday because I asked her to sit my children so I could go to a friends birthday night out and my sons birthday is two days later. She's says that the whole weekend should be dedicated to him and if she's having him then she's doing a birthday celebration for him that night, I said no not without me there but she kept on too. His birthday is the Monday, in my opinion he doesn't need celebrations for four days in a row? He's a teen. It's only a night out anyway, I'll be around until the sat evening and till the Monday morning. Third thing today, ex husband started as I asked him to contribute towards son birthday/Xmas present as it's really expensive. Ex says it's too expensive and he should have it for Xmas instead and nothing for birthday and that he needs to prove himself in school, true to an extent, but I just asked him to contribute if he can't that's fine I will buy it myself but again judgment of my parenting cane into play. I don't work, family carer Although I am always applying for jobs, I'm a single mum to three and I am honestly trying my hardest. I just feel like I face constant criticism from all my family. Nothing I ever do is good enough and if I had the money I would happily leave. There is always an element of control and judgment within my family anyway. If I say I am finding it difficult financially and confide this if I then took my kids for a McDonald's the week after I'd have it chucked back in my face. Everything always gets chucked back in my face. I'm fed up of not feeling good enough, I split up properly from my ex a few weeks ago, he was always criticising me too, why was I doing this or that, we went on a £1000 holiday a few weeks ago and I paid for EVERYTHING! I came back and went out for a few drinks with a friend. He went mad because I still owe him £190 for a holiday last year. Am I really that bad a person, do I need to change? How do I do it? Sorry ty is is so long but I feel completely depressed today after round three of being torn down yet again.
You are not a bad person, but, I think you've allowed yourself to be a bit of a doormat and now people see you as an easy target for their nonsense. Tell your sibling that your children's weight is none of their concern. tell your mother that you are in sorting out your sons birthday, tell your ex to fuck off.
You don't owe any of these people an explanation or to meet their expectations of playing nice. They're being dicks because you allow it. Stop allowing it, they won't like it and it's not easy but you can do it.
Do you think you have been out in the scapegoat role?
You’re not a bad person.
Your critical mother is never going to stop criticising you, because that’s what she does; anything you change or improve or succeed at, she’ll still find a way or something else to pick on, because that’s how she interacts. Do the work on you so that you can let this slide off you and find your own validation.
Your sibling and you have grown up in a critical atmosphere. The relationship may be recoverable, but do your own recovery first.
The sort of relationship you had with your ex is likely to at least be connected to the patterns you learned from a critical parent...
Sorry, this is brief because I’m in a rush. But you are not bad, and the things about money arguments or shoes or birthday weekends are not the problem. The problem is how you have learned to placate people and internalise their issues for them. It’s hard to unlearn but you can do it. I think start with a book about critical mothers or similar, and go from there. Counselling can be helpful, but only if you’re able to make the space for it, literally in your diary and psychologically in terms of being ready to engage and go through the hard stuff to come out better; that time may not be right now for you (but then again it might be!).
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