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How to be happy?

(11 Posts)
smallestleaf Wed 19-Aug-20 14:18:26

should have said ' without swapping' not 'setting.'

smallestleaf Wed 19-Aug-20 14:17:36

I hate my life OP. Hate my husband, worn out by my eldest who has behaviour issues. No idea how to change things without setting one set of insoluble problems for another. About to start seeing a counsellor.

If you can afford to divorce, do so (wish I could). Start building up your own interests, interests and life outside your marriage and kids. Tbh, doesn't sound much like they need to around anyway. So get thee out and about!

litterbird Wed 19-Aug-20 14:05:23

Can I ask what you enjoyed before being a wife and mother? I ask this as before I had my daughter I was heavily involved in local theatre. I chose never to stop that so my baby daughter came to every rehearsal and audition going in her car seat. She grew up watching shows and also going to parties that friends put on. I didn't stop my life due to children. If you had hobbies before marriage can you have a look at them again and see if you can take them up? I am one of those people who get tagged in lots of friendship photos of us out and about having a great time on SM because I nurtured my life and friends throughout the child rearing years. It also ensured my daughter was not glued to any iPad or tv and was out and about too being stimulated with music and costumes and enjoyment. On top of that I took her to sailing lessons, pony riding lessons and dance lessons. You get to meet a lot of mums and dads too and you can start to build a new friendship group from there. I joined a new theatre group 10 years ago when I was 45 and the first person to welcome me in to the group is now one of my closest friends and we socialise a lot. What I am trying to say is.....get out and about....get your children off their behinds and get them in to clubs and you in to clubs and venture out or your comfort zone. There is loads in life to do. I also learnt to play the drums at 52 and now have a new set of friends who are is out there....go and get it!

Mintjulia Wed 19-Aug-20 07:57:16

Stop believing social media for a start. Half the “perfect mums” with their “perfect parties” are on ADs, clutching a glass of Chablis by 9 in the morning or in therapy. Don’t fall for the bling.

Then firmly set aside some time for you each week, and do what makes you happy whether art or sport or mooching around the shops. Make it determinedly religiously yours and leave your gloomy husband at home. The breathing space will give you time to be you, cheerful and refreshed, and friends will follow.

Then involve your dcs. I drag my ds (12) out to karate and cycling each week because if I didn’t he would spend his entire life on MineCraft. Now he enjoys cycling and has a brown belt in karate but if I didn’t chase him, he would give up on both.
I make him do swimming lessons too, It’s his favourite sport but he still grumbles when the time comes.

It’s a slog but worth it in the end. My nephew took over from his mum as “social secretary” when he was about 30 grin

User04727680092 Wed 19-Aug-20 07:41:56

Well bear in mind that your children's main role models are you and your husband. Yes there's more to it than that, but if you see kids who aren't just on the XBox or whatever 24/7, see how their families behave. And what was your own family like?
I do know, looking back, that part of my own troubles with socialization, came from the fact that my parents didn't have friends round and bickered between themselves.

I learned a lot from watching other people at school, work and uni and got better (you'll be happy to know!)

blackcat86 Wed 19-Aug-20 04:20:31

You need to go back to basics and remember what it is that you enjoy as a person and want to do. Make your life active for yourself and friends and social connections will follow. If not have a look through your Facebook friends and ask a few people you like out for a walk or socially distanced picnic. My DH is similar so I have built an active friend network and social life for me and my toddler. I've also started exercising and a new business which has got me out more.

bakedoff Wed 19-Aug-20 04:16:25

Thanks for that link. I’ll read that

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bakedoff Wed 19-Aug-20 04:15:58

Thanks. Yes I’ve heard that about social media but I don’t know if that’s true. When people are posting up photos of girl trips and get togethers and birthday celebrations that must be true? Those people exist and are gathered together? I don’t have those kind of relationships and no idea how to get them. How do I build up a friendship network! I never seem to be able to get past the polite chit chat stage. I just wonder how people manage to attract happy, sociable people into their lives?

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rvby Wed 19-Aug-20 04:15:26

I get you op.

This book helped me as I rebuilt my life after my divorce:

Aquamarine1029 Wed 19-Aug-20 04:09:13

I see other people’s photos on Facebook/instagram with happy couple holidays and parties and groups of friends and I just don’t have any of that.

You're seeing only what they want you to see. I assure you their lives aren't nearly so picture perfect. Comparison is the thief of joy, op. Get off social media, start communicating with your husband and children, and make a plan to try and improve your relationships.

bakedoff Wed 19-Aug-20 04:04:15

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not happy with my life. I see other people’s photos on Facebook/instagram with happy couple holidays and parties and groups of friends and I just don’t have any of that. My life is a daily struggle with a stubborn/moody husband who always wants his own way and 2 boys who only want to play computer games and that’s it. It’s just hard work. I feel like I’m worn down. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have few friends. Lots of people seem to make friends through their kids. I never have despite my best efforts. My kids aren’t sociable. My husband isn’t sociable and I have no idea how to get the happy smiley friend filled life that other people seem to have! I feel like I’ve drifted into a married with kids life that just doesn’t suit me. My husband is barely interested in me unless he’s talking at me and my kids barely notice me. It all just feels a bit shit. Does anyone else feel like this and if you have hit a rut how do you get out of it?

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