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Toxic sister

(7 Posts)
KittyLee01928 Wed 19-Aug-20 00:00:06

Have an unusual relationship with closely aged sister. We are living together and have historically had a patchy relationship. Have noticed recently that she seems to be happy when Im low/sad and retreats when I am happy/want to share my joy with her.

She is very difficult to live with and has been so in lockdown e.g. refusing to engage in small talk or minutiae about our days. For example, will see me and make a caustic comment as her greeting to me for the day - why bother? Almost deliberately obstructive? But will be kind to others and to our other housemates.

Worth saying I am planning to move out but sad it has to come to this. I would be happy to just have a normal relationship without the highs/lows but there always seems to be some manufactured drama. She seems to some deep rooted anger issues directed at me too, and will often cry/scream/be furious if we engage in disagreement - it inevitably escalates to conflict and Im not sure why.

I even suggested specialist therapy but she cancelled it after originally agreeing to it.

She has called me some awful names in the past: I was very low at one point in lockdown after a relationship breakdown of sorts and she called me desperate, lonely, pathetic and useless. I had also had some bad news regarding a work transfer and she said she was sorry to hear about it, but equally that she hoped that I would be bankrupted by it?!

For context, we are on different career paths and I earn about 50% more than her. Would not use this against her, it is what it is. I am dating currently and she is not. She becomes very defensive when we discuss any of this.

OP’s posts: |
KittyLee01928 Wed 19-Aug-20 00:08:01

Sorry unfinished post! I was wondering if anyone could relate and advise? finding it all a bit hard atm and like I am hitting dead end after dead end. It is taking a lot of energy from me to constantly battle this and I feel like I am behaving fairly but just keep meeting opposition at her end. Fwiw I was living here first but she campaigned to move in.

OP’s posts: |
HollowTalk Wed 19-Aug-20 00:10:40

I would look for somewhere else to live. I know it's unfair but you can control that and you have more money. You two really shouldn't be living together.

Iggypoppie Wed 19-Aug-20 00:13:12

I don't know what to advise as I am in a similar situation. I'm just tempted to say that you should just carry on with your life and put some distance between you both. You can't help her if she won't communicate with you or try to help herself. Don't need to make it dramatic just gradually. She might come round in time but what's the point in exhausting yourself at the moment.

Iggypoppie Wed 19-Aug-20 00:15:16

It's sad though I agree, but your not abandoning her, you're just giving her the space she probably needs to heal (looking on it positively).

Gingaaarghpussy Wed 19-Aug-20 00:19:15

The best thing I ever did was disconnect with my sister. She was one of my biggest triggers. I'm lucky that she lives 4 hours away.
Its been 6 years since our mother died and I haven't had any dealings with her.
Sometimes you have to sit back and let blood family go fuck themselves for your own wellbeing.
I spent 30 years trying to build bridges with my sister.
When our mother was dying she asked me to reconnect with my sister, I told her I'd tried and it was my sisters turn.
I still have mental health issues but my life is calmer and I don't self harm anymore.

Onthemaintrunkline Wed 19-Aug-20 08:31:06

You come across as having quite different personalities. There maybe underlying jealousy issues around your different incomes and you’re dating she isn’t....who knows! I suggest that living together is too close, it’s not bringing any sense of support, friendship or harmony. Consider finding alternative accommodation, separation might bring peace to your life.

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