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Friend came onto me

(34 Posts)
Heartbroken21 Tue 18-Aug-20 14:36:26

Some background. Both me and best friend are females, I’m straight, she’s bisexual. We’re both in relationships with men. I have known her for almost 3 years, we bonded over having similar mental health issues. I’ve never had a friend who ‘gets me’ the way she does. I don’t have many friends at all. She’s due to be maid of honour for me at my wedding next year.

So to the problem. Two nights ago me and my fiancé had her and her boyfriend round for drinks. Friend has a history of being flirty with people when drunk, she wants the attention she wants to make her boyfriend jealous. She admits to this. She never gets the reaction from her boyfriend that she’s like, he isn’t the jealous type and has said he’d like to see her with other people. They don’t have an open relationship, though she does work in the sex industry and he’s ok with that.

She pulled me aside and said she was upset that I told her I didn’t want to see pictures of her doing girl on girl stuff for work, a few weeks ago. She felt I was judging her. I tried really hard to explain I wasn’t judging, it just isn’t my thing. She then went onto say that she found me attractive but wouldn’t try to disrespect my relationship. But she did. She tried to kiss me a few times, I gave her a peck and tried to laugh/brush it off. Then she asked me to leave the toilet door open so she could watch. Again, I laughed it off trying to make light of it but also being really drunk I didn’t react in the way I should have. Then she used the toilet after me and I won’t go into more detail but it was completely inappropriate what she was doing/trying to get me to watch.

After that I went to find our partners and tried to ignore what happened. She playfully tried to kiss me again but I don’t think either of our partners saw. Then she fell asleep.

I woke up yesterday feeling really weird, a bit grubby and violated if I’m honest. I feel like she manipulated me by saying she felt I was judging her for her work, to get me being all apologetic and then took advantage of that by being so disrespectful of my relationship and our friendship. She’s tried texting me loads since but hasn’t mentioned her behaviour. I just made excuses for not being up for a chat with her saying I was unwell. I’ve been worried about telling my fiancé because I don’t know if he’ll want me to continue the friendship and I don’t know if I can give up the only friend I feel has been such a great support to me at times when I’ve really needed it. I told him today because I felt guilty keeping it from him and needless to say, he’s unhappy.

What do I do about her? Do I try and talk to her? I don’t believe it was about me, I think she just wanted some attention.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
seensome Tue 18-Aug-20 14:45:39

I would make it known to her how violated you feel, you are a straight woman and in a relationship, how dare she take advantage of you. I hope your bf is unhappy with her and not you, you haven't done anything wrong and been honest with him.
I think you may have to leave your friendship with her, she is not respecting your boundaries.

donnatellme Tue 18-Aug-20 14:49:45

Goodness me, she does not sound like much of a friend. People may well act inappropriately when drunk, but that is awful behaviour. Back away slowly OP from this one, I can't see what you are gaining by having her in your life.

Areyouquitesure Tue 18-Aug-20 14:54:53

So she had a pee and wanked herself in front of you?

Not classy envy and not envy

onlyk Tue 18-Aug-20 14:55:10

First what do you want out of this?

Do you want to stay friends with her? Do you think it’s a one off due to alcohol? Do you want an apology?

Also if this was a male friend would you feel differently? She has made an unwanted pass at you and when you politely turned her down didn’t leave it at that. From your posting it went further than your saying. Personally male or female friend makes a drunken pass at me but when turned down leaves it at that I’d probably leave it at that if it’s a one off. But if they keep pushing it I’d seriously reconsider the friendship.

Heartbroken21 Tue 18-Aug-20 14:56:56

No, it’s her he’s unhappy with. He’s not upset with me. I feel guilty though, i should have taken it more seriously at the time and not given her the chance to carry on in her attempts. Truth be known, I didn’t even realise how horrible it felt until the next morning.
If she were an acquaintance or less of a friend to begin with, I wouldn’t be this upset. But she’s really been really supportive when I’ve had no one else to lean on and I’ll definitely feel the loss of having that in my life.
But I know I can’t continue the friendship. It’s not fair to my fiancé and it’s changed the way I see her.

OP’s posts: |
StatementKnickers Tue 18-Aug-20 14:56:58

I think if a male "friend" behaved like this you'd cut them out without a second thought. And that's what you should do here.

DramaAlpaca Tue 18-Aug-20 14:59:04

I think you need to distance yourself from her. It'll be difficult to maintain a platonic friendship after that. She has no idea about boundaries.

Dohorseseatapples Tue 18-Aug-20 15:01:26

She’s a creep. She’s also a crap friend. Who needs stuff like this in their life. Grim.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:05:52

She sounds like she has alot of problems, OP, especially with regard to relationships. Flirting with other ppl to make her bf jealous isn't healthy for a start, let alone how she behaved towards you.

I'd distance yourself for a while. Still text if/when you feel like it, but make it clear that she crossed a line.

Heartbroken21 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:06:25

@Areyouquitesure pretty much, it was done in a sort of giggly way but it certainly wasn’t anything I wanted to be part of and it makes me feel really grubby to remember it.

@onlyk there is a part of me that doesn’t want to lose the friendship. I don’t really have any other close friendships. I’d like to think it was a one off due to too much alcohol but she has been accused of similar before. She seems to be very promiscuous when she’s under the influence.

Should I tell her or just ghost?

OP’s posts: |
CleverCatty Tue 18-Aug-20 15:08:33

really rude and bad moves. I'd mention it to her one final time and if she didn't respect my wishes friendship over

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 18-Aug-20 15:11:24

She has no sexual boundaries. She doesn't understand consent. She hasn't been very well. Sexual abuse in childhood, I'm assuming. Which is not the case for most men who do this kind of thing.

If she's someone you want to carry on being friends with, I'd have a sober talk about her issues. But I'd probably not carry on the friendship TBH.

BMW6 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:12:37


She’s a creep. She’s also a crap friend. Who needs stuff like this in their life. Grim.

Totally agree with this. I'd tell her she was totally out of order and the friendship is over.

backseatcookers Tue 18-Aug-20 15:22:56

I'm bisexual and have a rule that because I am conscious of the fact my sexuality should be viewed as just as 'valid' as straight or gay people, I flip the gender of someone when thinking of a situation like this.

So imagine she is a guy friend - would you still even be asking if this is in any way acceptable?! No. She's been unbelievably creepy, pushy and predatory.

She didn't take no for an answer and tried to push your boundaries despite knowing you're straight.

She's also annoyingly perpetuating the stereotype that girls who say they are bisexual are all about titillation and the male gaze (eg making her boyfriend jealous).

You sound kind, she sounds like an absolute prick to be honest.

If a male friend had done that to me I would be livid and absolutely tell my partner (who is male) because it would feel too big a thing to not mention. Because I'm bi I would do the same if a female friend did it, but I obviously don't know if the situation feels different (I would imagine almost even worse as it's a rejection of your sexuality which is heterosexual) for a straight woman.

Ugh, poor you. Shit situation she's created for you.

Heartbroken21 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:35:36

@MrsTerryPratchett she does have a history of abuse. I don’t think working in the sex industry does her any favours either when it comes to respecting boundaries. I’ve always tried to remain non-judgemental about that because she’s very sensitive about it, but this has changed my view.

@backseatcookers Thankyou for your kind words. I felt manipulated by her claiming to be offended by my not wanting to see the photos of her doing girl-girl work. I was raised by 2 bisexual parents, which she’s aware of so knows it wasn’t me being homophobic. It’s just not my thing and I wouldn’t have wanted to see photos of her with a male either- again, it’s not my thing. But that’s how it led to me not really noticing how far she was taking it, because I was trying to be non-offensive by laughing it off. Didn’t really help myself there, I feel silly for being so easily manipulated now.
But rest assured, it isn’t the view I have of bisexual women. My friend has a lot of issues, more than I originally thought.

OP’s posts: |
MrsTerryPratchett Tue 18-Aug-20 15:37:38

I don’t think working in the sex industry does her any favours either when it comes to respecting boundaries.

I think that's probably a vicious circle. I feel for her but it's not your issue to work on.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:42:06

Disgusting behaviour. I'd honestly get rid of her. She sounds attention seeking, manipulative and a predator.

Alexandernevermind Tue 18-Aug-20 15:44:05

@Backseatcookers summed it up well. She isn't doing any favours to the gay community by the whole going with girls to make my BF jealous thing. Would she have done the same if you were in a same sex relationship?
I'm guessing she wanted to out on a show for the men because you were drunk. Yuck.
She crossed the line and took advantage.

Stuckforthefourthtime Tue 18-Aug-20 15:46:47

think if a male "friend" behaved like this you'd cut them out without a second thought. And that's what you should do here.

This. She sexually harassed you at the very least, you asked her to stop and she wouldn't. She's not your friend.

Heartbroken21 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:49:16

@MrsTerryPratchett I agree, I’ve encouraged her to seek therapy but she can be in denial a lot of the time about her behaviours. So I don’t think it would help anyway.

@Alexandernevermind she didn’t try to put a display on in front of our partners. Mine would have hit the roof. She’s done that in the past while we’ve been out with her, with both men and women to get a reaction from her boyfriend but he usually ignores and leaves. That just spurs her on more.

OP’s posts: |
chickenyhead Tue 18-Aug-20 15:55:51

Typical manipulation techniques as per a book called the gift of fear.

Not taking no for an answer

Saying unjustified negative things about you in order to get you to prove otherwise.


Not acceptable

RoseTintedAtuin Tue 18-Aug-20 16:02:29

The thing is given how you feel and the vulnerability of opening up to someone about mental health, do you really think you would trust her enough to allow her to support you? I don’t think I could and the friendship would have to evolve to be a bit cooler. You could ask what is going on with her as her behaviour was extreme but tbh from what you’ve written it doesn’t really seem out of character either.

whatwouldjohnmclanedo Tue 18-Aug-20 16:13:29

This is grim. She’s not a friend, get rid. You are making yourself vulnerable to her behaving worse in the future if you just brush this off. I’d be livid that she treated you so badly and hasn’t even addressed it. She dirt just like a predatory man.

YNK Tue 18-Aug-20 16:14:49

She's not a good friend to you and she's abusive towards her partner.
On top of that she's a sexual predator.
If you feel she 'gets you' it's probably because she's so good at manipulation.
Having anything further to do with her it will not end well for you.

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