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Divorce Settlement Fight/Fair

(24 Posts)
sophmum31 Tue 18-Aug-20 12:03:28

I wondered if anyone has any tips on how to get through negotiation around a divorce?

My STBXH moved out in June, it was his decision but I was glad (he was a big sulker, controlling and had been caught sending dick pics in the past). I have decided I don't want to continue the marriage, and we are starting to negotiate to get divorced.

We have been together 18 years, married for 10 and have two children. Money is by far THE MOST important thing in his life! When we got together, he owned a house with equity and I had a few thousand pounds saved. He sold his house and brought our current house while we were together but refused to have the house in joint names (some flimsy excuse at the time). I only worked part time in low paid jobs after having children, he controlled all of the money and I have ended up using my savings to fund our childrens lives! As our children are older I now have a good, well paid job.

Anyway, my solicitor has written to him requesting he complete a Form E as he wants to settle and make an agreement but he is telling me that he will not fill the form in or do any kind of financial declaration. He wants me to agree to accepting a lump sum to pay me off without ever letting me know how much money there is in the marriage.

If I took the money it is enough for me to buy a decent house mortgage free and I would be able to get this all wrapped up quite quickly. And as he constantly reminds me, he had a lot more when we got together so is it fair to take half? If I fight him for half (half Of what I do not know - may be more or less than he is offering!), he might not be able to buy me out, meaning we will have to sell our house - which could take a long time and I would be stuck in this limbo and under his control.

He constantly wears me down, with emotional blackmail, what is fair as I am the one doing this, won't i be satisfied until ive taken his whole life away, he will have to move away because I'm doing this to him, hes so low he feels like killing himself etc etc etc etc. I know if i fight, he will fight with every last breath in his body!

Any advice?!

OP’s posts: |
NotaCoolMum Tue 18-Aug-20 12:10:16

You took low wage jobs while raising HIS children while he was able to work and squirrel away money. He didn’t support you so you had to lose all your savings to provide for your children. If I were you I’d still insist on the form. Even if not half- I imagine you’re owed more than he’s offering you x

Taffydog Tue 18-Aug-20 12:25:47

You know he won’t of offered you anywhere near half of what he has - he doesn’t get to control things anymore. Do not accept what he’s offering you - there is absolutely no chance what so ever he’s being fair based on what you’ve said in your OP!

MollyButton Tue 18-Aug-20 12:34:32

Take your solicitors advice. If he is offeriyyoi that much he has far far more. And even if you don't need it think about the children and their futures and pensions.

1111Cleopatra Tue 18-Aug-20 12:37:37

I would insist on the Form E being completed, he legally has to complete it if you request. You could get the Form and still accept his offer at a later date if it still stands. The likelyhood is he has a huge pension pot and doesn't want to share that with you

Spritesobright Tue 18-Aug-20 12:48:39

Absolutely insist on the Form E! He has shown himself to be an arrogant, tight bully so there is no way what he is offering you is fair.
It may seem easier to give up now and take "enough" but this is about your future and that of your children.
Thank god you have a lawyer. Now listen to them and ignore his silly manipulations. He's not going to kill himself. And it is perfectly reasonable and legal that he does a form E.
He's obviously hiding something and trying to manipulate you into less than you are owed.

updownroundandround Tue 18-Aug-20 12:51:41

Nope, no way, zero chance of accepting his frankly ludicrous offer !

HE doesn't get to choose whether or not he fills in the form.

He is wanting you to accept a fraction of what you are ENTITLED to !

Be patient, be calm, be resolute.

You WILL get what you're OWED. ( and if he offers to top himself again, laugh and tell him it'll save you a fortune in solicitors fees !)

millymollymoomoo Tue 18-Aug-20 12:56:57

Do you have any idea if his earnings and what pension could be ? Do you have a rough idea at all of the assets and debts in the pot? I wouldn’t need form e completed to know roughly what that is give or take a little bit. If you do, then you can assess given the order of magnitude in terms of whether you think it’s fair
If you don’t then he’ll need to complete form e and not proceed until it’s in place. Equally you’ll also need to

Gilda152 Tue 18-Aug-20 12:59:42

Do you not have to be separated two years anymore before divorce? I know that's not the point but just curious

LemonTT Tue 18-Aug-20 13:03:28

You need to discuss this with the solicitor. He/ She will reply in a way that takes the emotion out of it. Solicitors will be used to this type of blustering negotiation. I would recommend that you try to be direct with your instructions to the solicitor about handling this. You don’t want to pay for endless correspondence replying to every bluster.

In this case you absolutely want to see a properly completed form E.

sophmum31 Tue 18-Aug-20 13:13:20

Thank you for your replies everyone! This is what I was thinking anyway but he makes me doubt myself and after years of living this way its a hard habit to break!

@Gilda152 you can get divorced straight away on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour if you have those grounds!

OP’s posts: |
Gilda152 Tue 18-Aug-20 13:14:30

Really? I mugged myself right off on my first marriage then 🙈🙈🙈

Wherearemymarbles Tue 18-Aug-20 13:18:10

Get him to fill in Form E so you can make an informed decision

When my sis started divorcing her financially abusive ex she thought he earned £150k which is what he had told her She found out he in fact earned £400k and had a massive pension pot and assets she didnt know about.

Oh and he bullied and bullied and dragged things out to the max to wear her down but she dug her toes in.

perfumeistooexpensive Tue 18-Aug-20 13:21:18

I took the lump sum I was offered. Bought a home for me and DC. Clean break and far less hassle.

beachcitygirl Tue 18-Aug-20 18:50:00

Ok. Probably not what you want to hear. But i have a similiar story and I'm 4
Years down the line,
He has gone self-employed, hid money & sold a business from under me against court order.

He has now gone bankrupt & I am living in a Council flat after being made homeless.

If I could turn back time I would take the amount offered back then even though it was a pittance compared to what we had.
This is torture & I won't get more because it's gone, hidden so deep. Sorry you're going through this.

Jsku Tue 18-Aug-20 19:04:52

I was married to someone like that too for over a decade. Money was everything to him. And I also gave up a career to bring up kids. And he also brought in more at the start.
Men like them won’t sell everything off to go bankrupt. But they will try to negotiate hard a settlement that is favourable to them.
In the end though they make a financial decision of what it’d cost to fight you vs to follow the more regular 50/50 approach.

Don’t listen to his abuse of what is fair. Men like him tend to completely discount your contribution over the years of raising bids and maintaining his life while he worked.

In your place - I’d dig in my heals and not try to communicate with him. Form E - is a voluntary disclosure form. If he says he doesn’t want to go that way - save yourself money and tell the solicitor to just file for a court hearing. And let your H know you are going that way, so he’ll have to follow the court request for involuntary disclosure.

This will first make him more angry, but will show that you mean business. And as there will be a time lag before the court hearing - your H may still come to his senses and try to go through Voluntary disclosure route.

Just keep calm. He can’t do anything anymore. He is just not used to not have control. And he will never offer you a fair settlement on his own.

PM me if you want to chat more. My divorce took a year but it was worth it

PicsInRed Tue 18-Aug-20 19:54:20

You need to do it properly, if only to ensure that there is a final consent order to ensure that he can't come after your subsequent assets (e.g. inheritance).

Arrivederla Tue 18-Aug-20 19:55:44

Fight the little shit every inch of the way, but make sure that you have a really good solicitor who knows what they are doing in this sort of case.

BarbedBloom Tue 18-Aug-20 20:17:18

It depends. A friend fought her husband, he quit his job, started his own business and the equity in their home was eaten up by legal costs as it went on for ages. His parents paid for his legal costs. You need more information so make sure he fills out form E

thetigerthatcamefortea Tue 18-Aug-20 20:26:47

Like a previous poster this may not be what you want to here.
But my experience is that fighting is utterly draining, it is also incredibly expensive.
iF money is so important to him (as it was for my ex husband) I would consider taking the money and making a clean break.
You do have to think long and hard about whether you can make your peace with that and not be eaten by bitterness.

My emotional well-being, starting a fresh, having a lovely little home for me and the children was in the end so much more important than the anxiety I got when a solicitors letter or email appeared. Even from my own solicitor!

I just wanted it over.
I also knew that my ex husband was already hiding money- was self employed and I stood to not end up with anything. Plus tens of thousands of legal bills.

It's not right and it's not fair. But your sanity is worth more

Vodkacranberryplease Tue 18-Aug-20 21:06:51

I would take a different approach. I would go back & say I wanted double his offer. No form E, no dragging it out. It will be far less than what you are due but he will move money & lie & cheat anyway & you will both spend money on solicitors.

Bluff him a little - say "I know you think I have no idea what money there is, but I do. And I know that this amount (double) is still far less than Im entitled to. But Im sick of talking to you & willing to make a deal. You give me this & Ill leave your pensions & investments alone. After all its better than spending money on slicitors and forensic accountants (very important that phrase)"

You should also set up contracts re child access & spend on stuff like centisyts & uni fees, plus maintenance, at the same time in case he tries to fuck you over later. Which he will. If he goes nuts just shrug & say 'up to you'. He will scream & stamp his foot & you will say nothing & then in a few days or a week he will either counter offer - which you will refuse as it will be a stupid offer or say ok.

Dont be emotional. And dont give in. He will bluster And expect you to cave & if you dont he will, eventually.

peonyfairy03 Tue 18-Aug-20 21:08:30

I’m with the above poster I was a SAHM and he offered me a lump sum I fought him and came away far worse off because of legal fees he was hiding money away and made so much debt during our marriage. I wish I took what he was offering as my divorce bill was higher than I got because if his lies and cheating ways. He then went on to buy a big house while I had to make do with rented. He was very controlling with money and I never had my own bank account I had to ask him for money just to buy groceries.

The legal fight was draining and it was awful.

Vodkacranberryplease Tue 18-Aug-20 21:11:35

You dont really want to go form E either. But if you give in you are teaching him you are weak. Plus he could play silly buggers over future child expenses (you had to use your savings on the DC! Thats financial abuse) & then what you thought waas enough wasnt, & it will be your children that suffer.

Double the offered amount I can assure you (years in business) is not going to be unreasonable or unaffordable - quite the opposite. It will still be a bargain for him.

GhostOfMe Tue 18-Aug-20 21:48:54

If it was me I'd sit down and work out what I needed in terms of housing and kids future costs like university. If double covers that that's what I'd go back to him with as your counter offer. He might see sense if you push and threaten court and disclose the truth or he might fight a long court battle and you come out with a lot worse off in terms of money and mental health. Lots of PPs are assuming he'll do the logical thing and think it's better for me him in the long run to compromise and not take things to court and waste lots of money on lawyers. But as other PPs can attest if the most important thing is to screw you over and win, he'll fight, hide what he can and you'll walk away with less. The most important thing here is what will get you and your kids the best outcome. You know him better than posters on here, do you think he'll settle if you push or fight to the end?

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