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Can’t leave partner but wish I could

(11 Posts)
20Broken Tue 18-Aug-20 09:55:04

I feel like there is zero respect left in my relationship. No compassion or care.
We’ve been together for 10 years (never married) and I think during that time I’ve been so busy with general life I hadn’t noticed how completely self absorbed he is.I lost my job last month and I think this is probably the first time I’ve hoped for some support from him rather than the other way around and it’s just not there. For example, I read out a cover letter I wrote for his opinion on it and he was just texting his colleagues and friends ignoring me. Today I had to take a timed test for an application and I said I need 5 mins quiet but he walked straight in with our 2 year old and wondered off while the toddler obviously wanted my attention so I was distracted.
I said I was annoyed about this and he said ‘what you can’t take a test with your kid in the room, are you thick?’
I’ve supported him so much over the years with his career, taken care of things and reduced my hours to enable him to work over 55hrs a week, taken an interest in what he does and yet my jobs just always been treated like it’s nothing by him despite the fact we can’t afford to live without my wage.
I’ve realised I can’t do this anymore, I have a sinking feeling in my chest most days because he’ll say or do something that just makes me feel like complete shit.
I don’t know what I do from here though, I have no job and he won’t let me take the house (large joint mortgage) The kids go to school here and it’s quite rural, no other rental properties around at the moment. The kids would be broken. It’s just not possible right now for me to leave. Our savings are wiped out too.

What do I do? I can’t leave but it’s killing me inside to stay. I sound pathetic but I feel psychically sick trying to hold tears back when he just keeps showing how little he cares, I feel stupid for having kids with someone who just doesn’t care and upset at how long I’ve wasted and how trapped I am now.

OP’s posts: |
Meruem Tue 18-Aug-20 10:12:38

What would happen if you said to him “don’t speak to me like that, it’s not acceptable”? Why should you sit there and be spoken to like that? How would he react to you being more assertive?

In terms of moving out, keep looking for rentals. I know you said there’s nothing now but something may come up. Potentially you could claim housing costs via universal credit while you look for work. I think there are also rent deposit schemes available if needed, but I think that’s maybe via the council.

You need to do 2 things, make your situation bearable now and look to the future. You may not be able to leave today but that doesn’t mean you are trapped forever.

Buffett Tue 18-Aug-20 10:52:25

OP, what have you got out of the 10 years? What do you expect to get out of another 10 years with him? Would you still marry him if he "ask" you?

I would leave. Life is too short to be second best, be someone's doormat. I also helped an ex, he told me something so horrible. I drop him immediately and move on. Stop wasting your life on someone who does not do the same for.

Sakurami Tue 18-Aug-20 10:55:25

He's deliberately sabotaging you. You need to get some legal advice and go from there.

ravenmum Tue 18-Aug-20 11:16:48

I feel stupid for having kids with someone who just doesn’t care
I think it is a fairly common experience not to realise their true nature for ages, because, as you say:
I think this is probably the first time I’ve hoped for some support from him rather than the other way around
Like you I only realised after the kids were there that my ex undervalued me, because there had been nothing to test it before. Looking back I realised there had been some little red flags, but I wasn't experienced enough to recognise them. It's not stupidity, however much you feel like kicking yourself.

People divorce all the time. The kids would be upset at most, not "broken", that's catastrophising. You would help them and they'd get used to the new situation.

Keep looking for a job, you'll find one eventually. You won't be in exactly this situation forever. Make a plan, go through it tiny step by step instead of imagining it as one big scary mess you have to deal with tomorrow. Look into options, ask for advice. Seek counselling if you need it.

frazzledasarock Tue 18-Aug-20 11:24:18

Well you've got half the equity in the house, you could force a sale in the house and move to somewhere more affordable for you.

Are you close to your family?

Start making plans to move somewhere with more support for you and less rural. You'r DC will thank you for it as they grow older.

Also for your job hunts and tests etc, you will need to plan thme with military precision, you know he will try and sabotage it, so head him off, lock the door if need be till you've finished your tests. Do thme during nap times. Get friends or a babysitter whilst you do them anything.

Get back on your feet job wise, and keep an eye on the rental possibilities, check what benefits you'd be able to claim and also half the house is yours so you'd get something back if you sold up.

Plan to leave, and stop being so supportive of him. Do whatever you need to make life easy for you.

Your children will be fine,I found the younger ones bounced back quite easily and adapted to their new norm.

keeponsmiling679 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:50:20

this sounds so familiar. We are living such similar lives. We have children, a mortgage, I am self employed, don't earn enough to contribute to the bills or mortgage etc. H is very controlling and for once I feel like I can clearly see that he has manipulated me into becoming what he needs me to be and not who I am.
I don't want to stay, but I don't see a way out that I can afford.
I truly believe Knowledge is power, so I am finding out as much as ic an about what I'm entitled to, how the process works etc. so I can be feel ready.
In the meantime I'm trying to make life bearable, which is hard as his mood can change in an instant.
Doing right by the children is my biggest worry, although they see what he's like too.
this is so hard

How many kids and how old? They must be pretty young. They will not be broken, the youngest won’t even remember after a while. Don’t use them as an excuse to stay in a miserable situation - they will be affected by it too, which over time will do much more damage than making a break now.

Have you tried your local housing association to see if you’d be eligible for their waiting list?

AnnaFour Tue 18-Aug-20 19:30:50

How many kids do you have and what are their ages? You don’t have to seat in that house or area you could move. There is more than one good area to live and more than one good school kids can go to.

And it is scary but trust me your kids will be far more broken by living with this sort of toxicity from your partner to you than by a split.

Branleuse Tue 18-Aug-20 21:15:52

With kids, the younger you do it, the better they adjust

20Broken Tue 18-Aug-20 22:52:33

Thanks guys.

The kids are 3 and 6. There’s no money in the house, most likely negative equity.

I feel like they’ve been through so much with everything going on this year, that I can’t take them out of their school/nursery and move them too. I know it’s horrible for them either way but atleast that’s a consistent for them.

He refuses to accept I’m not happy or discuss arrangements. He thinks I’m crazy. I’ve said about a break and he’s insistent I am the issue and wouldn’t be good for the kids. It’s not going to be clean if/when I try to leave. He’s not violent but he will manipulate and control the situation.

These job applications are crazy too. 300 applicants for the ones I applied for the other week. Not a single call back yet. Not sure how much more of this I can take

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