fiance again

[MousyArtist]

Hi so i posted a thread back in June (you can see it here, it was quite long - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3953262-Fianc-stuff-Should-I-just-live-with-it?msgid=97885448)

Anyway to sum up that thread:

• My fiancé has cancelled all direct debits in the space of a year and now expects me to pay for them
• Always claims we have no money
• takes my debit card without telling me and uses it
• has to see what is in my bank account although I'm not allowed to see his
• there's other stuff too - ill come back to that.

so there's been an update and I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm just moaning - i don't mean to.
Basically i told his brother that this was the way he was behaving with money and money was just disappearing and i had to pay majority of bills which ate up my universal credit and child benefit.
His brother talked through his finances with him and tried to make him see sense that he needs to help out more financially - we have two children together aged three and one.
anyway he didn't really respond to any of that chat and is still pissing money up the wall while i have £30 to my name for the month.
in the previous thread i had loads of people tell me to leave him and i chose not to..then. Long story short i now do want to leave him but am absolutely frightened to tell him to get out. The flat we rent is in both of our names which he likes to remind me that i cant kick him out. I don't have any financial means to leave either.

I'm also frightened of what might happen if i say its over for me and him. He has been known to get quite angry and has certainly been snippy and cross since meeting his brother the other day. He has thrown his phone at me twice and once smashed things about in the kitchen. He has also thrown a full plastic washing basket at my back when i didn't do something for him - although this was a while ago.

• side note- he also gets me to wait on him. I do everything for him, make his lunches, wash uniform and clothes etc.

This bit i didn't really mention in my previous thread but when he wants s3x and i don't, i do it anyway just to please him even though he can tell i don't want it. If i really don't want it and he is accepting of that then he will wank himself off in front of me and always onto one of my clothes. he also has s3x with me while i sleep which I've told him i don't like. he likes to tie me up if he does this. sometimes ill partially wake up and pretend to be asleep until its over. if i ask him to stop he'll get cross. the only way i know its happened sometimes is if he asks me if i remember anything last night. i hate that question from him because it means he had s3x with me.

i don't really know if i should be posting this but I'm just stuck and i don't know what to do. I'm frightened and i have health problems too which i rely a bit on him for. help please :(

[inlectorecumbit]

WTF is s3x
sex l presume-- just spell it out noone will be offended

[SoulofanAggron]

he also has s3x with me while i sleep

This is rape OP- and he ties you up while you're asleep.

You could report him- it won't go anywhere legally unfortunately as the police are crap, but might mean he has to leave the house.

[GhostOfMe]

Didn't want to read and run, I have no advice but someone who knows more will hopefully be along soon. There can be great support on here for women who want to leave abusive relationships. And he is financially and sexually abusive. You can't consent while asleep or scared. I know it might be hard to hear, but what he is doing is rape.

[MousyArtist]

sorry - wasnt sure if saying that properly would violate any guidelines - yeah i meant sex

[Sassysusan92]

This sounds horrendous. Hope that you're ok, it's terrifying he's raping you it's wrong on so many levels. I'd consider calling the survivors trust 0808010818 or look on their website thesurvivorstrust.org hopefully they can help and give some advice.

You've done the best thing saying it out loud.

[BluePaintSample]

You can swear all you want on here, I'll start, your fiance is a complete an utter bastard. He is raping you, having sex with you without your consent. Don't allow him to tell you this is anything else. You are sleeping and you have asked him to stop doing it. This is rape. It doesn't matter that he is your fiance, it is rape.

He is controlling, you are in an abusive relationship and you deserve better than this. Your children deserve better than this too.

Is there anywhere else you can go to? How long have you left on the tenancy agreement?

[namechange12a]

OP you need support and you need to sort it out today.

This man is financially abusing you, he is emotionally and physically aggressive and he has been raping you for years. It's going to get worse OP and you need to get the rock out of there.

Try the National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247
They can be difficult to get hold off, so if you can't get in contact with them do a search for your local DV organisation. You can find it here or do a search for DV services in your area and call them.

If you have nowhere else to go, no relatives you can go to, then ask for a refuge space where you can take the children and get away. They have specially trained workers who can help you with benefits and housing.

You can also contact Shelter for housing advice.

[MousyArtist]

Thank you for you replies. I didn’t think it would be classed as that but I wanted to mention it because it felt “off” if that makes sense.
I think the tenancy renews in November- not sure.
It’s going to be hard for me because I don’t really want my family knowing what goes on behind closed doors and certainly don’t want his family to know. I know he’ll want more of me soon just by his behaviour I can tell he’ll want sex soon.
I’m also frightened contact any services because he looks at my phone - I’m having to be careful just by posting this on here.
I pay for a private counsellor so might mention/ring her

[Aquamarine1029]

Call the police immediately to report the abuse. You can then get an occupancy order which will keep him out.

[Shayisgreat]

Hi OP. He is raping you. He is bleeding you dry financially. It must be a really scary relationship for you. Not to mention your children.

Please tell someone you trust - don't protect him. Try to contact women's aid if you can or at least get someone to do it for you. Tell your counsellor too. The more safe people who know about it, the more support you will get.

I think you need to get help to get out of the relationship. It's not a good relationship and he is being an abusive arsehole. You deserve to live your life with the money you're entitled to and without being violated by your "partner."

[Shayisgreat]

Oh and meant to say - report the abuse to the police.

[Mischance]

I am so sorry this is happening to you, but glad that you have found the courage to realise that all of this is so wrong and you deserve better.

Try and find a female solicitor for advice on your rights about splitting up - you will feel able to be honest with her about the seriousness of his actions. He is indeed raping you, and you need out from there right now.

Does your counsellor know what he is doing?

[Veterinari]

OP

Please tell the police what you've told us. This is financial abuse, physical abuse and rape

The police will put you in touch with support services who can help you.

[namechange12a]

Go to a Boots and ask the pharmacy for the consultation room - you can use their phone to call a DV service and get help. The Domestic Abuse Helpline has a chat facility on their website and are open for the next hour until 6pm. You can contact them here.

You can also make an app with your GP and speak to her about the abuse. Most GP surgeries are clued up to abuse and can make a referral and offer info.

If you don't want to tell anyone - although it's actually better if you do because abuse thrives in secrecy - then go to a refuge. It's a hidden location and no one will know you're there.

Shelter also have a chatline on their website so you can talk about housing. Gingerbread has a good website where you can check benefits etc

[RandomMess]

A woman's refuge is also an option.

[Elieza]

Police. They will lock him up.
Then womens aid or refuge to see what to do re tenancy.

[rvby]

Oh my love. He's raping you. As well as intimidating you through violence, and abusing you financially. These are all criminal acts, he is a violent criminal.

If you tell the police and Women's Aid you will get the help you need and will be able to get away from him. You will not have to live with him.

I know it's scary but this can't carry on, can it?

[Icloud54]

Why don't you want anyone to know? You will receive tons of support for what he is putting you through.
I'm really sorry you are being treated like this, he is raping you. Please make plans to leave, please speak to someone!!

[Fluffycloudland77]

My local pharmacy is also a dv safe space.

[MousyArtist]

I’m only frightened to tell people because I don’t want people to hate me for speaking badly about him. And I’m nervous it will scare and upset my mum

[JorisBonson]

@MousyArtist

I’m only frightened to tell people because I don’t want people to hate me for speaking badly about him. And I’m nervous it will scare and upset my mum

He is a rapist. Why would people hate you for speaking badly about a rapist?

[sausagepastapot]

Get the fuck away from him. You deserve so much better than this. He is a rapist.

Be strong. You can do this. Call the police.

[Plussizejumpsuit]

@inlectorecumbit

WTF is s3x
sex l presume-- just spell it out noone will be offended

When you know fine well what op means and give the content of what she is saying. Perhaps try to be a bit less pedantic. She's saying she's being abused/raped. Maybe she doesn't want to spell it out?

[SoulofanAggron]

Hi @MousyArtist . How're you feeling? xx

[CodenameVillanelle]

The police will help you. They will arrest him and give him bail conditions to stay somewhere else, and direct you to help to get a non molestation order and occupation order for the house, meaning he won't be allowed to come back.
They can only do this if you are very brave and see it to the end. You must call them. He's raping you. He's dangerous.