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I’ve just fallen out with my mother

(23 Posts)
Catthroughthewindow Mon 17-Aug-20 09:43:30

Unexpectedly 😂
My children are going back to school soon and I was previously on the shielding list. My mum isn’t happy about them going back and bringing covid home to me. I’m currently considering leaving dh and I said basically that if I did catch covid and didn’t recover then that’s not really any ‘worse’ than breaking up the family anyway. It’s basically the same thing. In fact it would be easier in loads of ways because the dc would get used to it and not have to constantly be split between two houses and they’d move on much more quickly.
My mother doesn’t agree. She says I am the lynchpin for my children and they’d be distraught. It ended with her saying she might as well go and jump of a bridge then as it’s faster and she wishes she’d never had me as basically life is pointless anyway. I agree with her, it is.
However the whole argument is ridiculous as I haven’t got covid and even if I did I probably wouldn’t die anyway. I just feel it would be quite handy if I did - the only people it wouldn’t be so good for would be my parents as they wouldn’t be able to see my dc much anymore as dh wouldnt facilitate it.
So basically I’ve fallen out with my mother over the hypothetical course of events should I hypothetically catch covid and die.

OP’s posts: |
WutheredOut Mon 17-Aug-20 09:49:10

You obviously have a lot of stuff going on if you were on the shielded list but did you just tell your mum it would be easier if you were dead?
Just imagine one of your children saying that to you.

beautifulxdisasters Mon 17-Aug-20 09:54:38

If one of my children said this to me I'd be really really worried that they were feeling suicidal OP. Are you getting any help with how you're feeling? You're clearly going through a lot of stuff at the moment flowers

"if I did catch covid and didn’t recover then that’s not really any ‘worse’ than breaking up the family anyway. It’s basically the same thing."

Having separated parents really isn't the same thing as one of them dying. It's best for your DC to have both their parents around and happy, and if happy means separated then so be it.

Catthroughthewindow Mon 17-Aug-20 09:57:03

I suppose yes - I do feel it would be easier if I died - which is selfish I guess. But I feel it would ultimately be better for the dc too, because the pain of divorce wouldn’t end but if I died it’s finite.
I’m not suicidal, I’m just not that bothered if it happens. It’s not quite the same thing.

OP’s posts: |
DDIJ Mon 17-Aug-20 09:59:33

Do you feel you are of no importance to your family? What is your relationship like with your mother generally?

DDIJ Mon 17-Aug-20 10:00:47

There is a clear distinction between saying what you did and being suicidal btw flowers

Sayitagainwhydontyou Mon 17-Aug-20 10:02:00

OP you need to get help. That level of apathy is really indicative of depression.

LaureBerthaud Mon 17-Aug-20 10:02:15

Trust me, OP, the pain of having separated parents is nowhere near the pain of your mum dying.

You are feeling awfully low. Ring your mum, apologise for hurting her, tell her the return to school is non negotiable and you'd appreciate her support.

Catthroughthewindow Mon 17-Aug-20 10:02:17

It’s ok normally. It’s been a bit strained over lockdown. I haven’t been in touch very much. It annoyed me when she said I was just happy to give up, there have been plenty of times when I’d have liked to and haven’t.

OP’s posts: |
DDIJ Mon 17-Aug-20 10:04:21

Are you experiencing suicidal ideation or were you just musing?

Catthroughthewindow Mon 17-Aug-20 10:07:54

It was her saying she doesn’t understand im not more worried about the schools going back and why won’t I take vitamins and eat properly.
And I said - im not that bothered, it would be easier in some ways.
No I’m not suicidal. I wouldn’t make an active decision. But I’d be quite glad if it happened organicially.
I think less hurtful for dh and dc in long run.

OP’s posts: |
DDIJ Mon 17-Aug-20 10:12:01

Where would the children go if you left?

Do you have any particular deficiencies that require vitamin supplementation? In what way are you not eating properly?

Does she suffer from anxiety? Worrying about school won't change a thing and I find it strange that she would want you to worry more.

Catthroughthewindow Mon 17-Aug-20 10:14:40

I wouldn’t leave the children, I’d leave dh. The children would end up being split between us which they’d hate.
I’ve lost a lot of weight, I exist on a biscuit here and there and don’t eat any fruit, vegetables etc. Nor do I have any protein. I don’t care, it doesn’t worry me.
The dc have to go back and secondary schools don’t really have many options.

OP’s posts: |
Aussiebean Mon 17-Aug-20 10:17:57

My parents divorced when I was 11 and my df died when I was 15.

That death haunts me now at 45. WAY WAY more then their divorce ever did.

He wasn’t there for my graduations from school or uni, didn’t walk me down the isle, didn’t hold his grandson, didn’t cuddle is grand daughter.

Every event in my life that he would have loved to have been apart of, he was dead and missed it. And I missed him. I feel his loss all the time.

You have it the wrong way round. The pain of divorce is finite. The loss of a parent, especially so young, stays with you always.

DDIJ Mon 17-Aug-20 10:18:55

How long have you not been eating properly? How is your sleep?

Mamette Mon 17-Aug-20 10:29:25

Get help. Thinking your DC would be better off without you (do you honestly think that?) and the not eating thing... really. Go to the GP.

Catthroughthewindow Mon 17-Aug-20 10:35:43

I think they’d be better off in a happy two parent family and if they don’t have that it doesn’t matter much if I’m here or not.

I’ve been to the gp, pre lockdown. Everything stopped over lockdown. They are offering telephone appointments - the woman dealing with me has been at least an hour calling each time and not very helpful. Also I’ve got the dc so it’s very difficult to talk. She’s often been an hour and a half late with the call.

Aussiebean thanks for replying. I’m sorry about your dad.

OP’s posts: |
Blankblankblank Mon 17-Aug-20 10:38:24


OP you need to get help. That level of apathy is really indicative of depression.

It really is. Please call and speak to a Dr.

DDIJ Mon 17-Aug-20 10:39:18

If you are unhappy they wouldn't be better in a two parent family.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 17-Aug-20 10:40:31

It's not ideal that your mother has had a row with you, but she's clearly very worried about you. I'm worried about you and I'm just a stranger on the internet. You sound distressed, apathetic and you're not eating either. You need some support. Can you try the GP again? Could you phone your mum and ask for some help?

FusionChefGeoff Mon 17-Aug-20 10:45:52

You really don't sound very well I'm afraid. You need to speak to your GP and keep trying until you get some help.

You sound depressed and you obviously and worryingly don't care about yourself.

Thinking it would be better for your kids for you to die than divorce is seriously twisted and shows that you are not very well mentally to me.

Catthroughthewindow Mon 17-Aug-20 16:33:58

I’ve given up with the GP but it’s nothing really anyway. I suppose I feel like it would be easier for me too rather than go through the trauma of divorce or just staying here and notbing changing. I don’t like either of those options very much really, I decide to leave and feel dreadful when dh goes on about how lucky we are etc and dd talks about her family and how much she loves us and then I decide to stay and feel like I’m slowly dying anyway.
It’s an easier option and means dh wont be embarrassed that his wife wants to leave him. The dc wouldn’t have to live with the fact that I didn’t love them enough to stay with their dad.

OP’s posts: |
Fizzysours Mon 17-Aug-20 17:03:04

OP you sound really unwell and you need to urgently seek help. You are not understanding that your kids need you, probably due to depression. Seek help for them as you are not fussed about your help. It is horrible for children to lose their mother and your comments indicate a massive lack of understanding of what they need and how much I am sure they love you. I don't mean to attack you in any way but they NEED you to seek help. Life could get massively better for you, but I understand your disinterest in this.

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