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He threated to leave then didn't - wish he had gone

(10 Posts)
pattycakes99 Mon 17-Aug-20 09:02:03

Married for 25 years with 3 teenage children. I am not happy in my marriage but feel paralyzed about ending it. 2 nights ago he had a flip out over me buying a cucumber as he had some growing in the greenhouse (after a gallstone attack I wanted a week of soup and salad so wanted more than we had growing). Told me to fuck off, that I was ungrateful for the effort he puts into it and that he was so angry he could hit me. (I am not scared of him or that he would do it). My son then stood up for me and told him how he overreacted and that it was my money anyway - DH doesn't work (officially a role reversal many years ago, although the kids were already at school so it wasn't that much he had to do, and still never took over his share of the house stuff) and it has become clear that he has no intention of doing this (he says whats the point when I can earn more in a few hours than he would in a job he hates for a full day and there are going to be no jobs anyway - although as a SE person there are many non paid hours so this isn't strictly true). Ended up with him saying he was going to leave - I was glad. But after a few hours he was telling me how sorry he was, that his head hasn't been in the right place, that he doesn't deserve me etc. . DH is very affectionate, tells me how beautiful I am, how I am the best thing that has ever happened to him etc but it's easy to say this when I don't feel he puts effort into the big things. He knows I am unhappy, we have talked about the future and what I would like and he says all the right things and that he wants that too but I don't believe he will ever put in his share of the effort. He goes in cycles of being super loving and then being miserable or flying off the handle and the smallest thing (MH issues but not an excuse). This post makes him sound worse than he is - he does have good points, but they don't eliminate the bad ones. Don't want to put up with these cycles anymore but now he is all sweetness and light, even inviting my parents out for dinner (unheard of). I am always the people pleaser, and so annoyed with myself that I didn't tell him to take a running jump when this kicked off. Now it's like nothing has happened from his point of view. Due to be away for a "romantic" few days next week....

OP’s posts: |
Wondersense Mon 17-Aug-20 09:07:44

What's MH issues?

Stop listening to his words and start listening to his actions. What does he tell you with those? How long do you want to stay on this cyclical ride for?

Sakurami Mon 17-Aug-20 09:10:20

So he doesn't work nor does the housework and is abusive? Yes, he may be loving sometimes but why are you with him? Even your son can see it

pickingdaisies Mon 17-Aug-20 09:12:40

You don't have to go for the romantic few days. He threatened you with physical violence, whether or not you thought he'd do it. You don't just forget that stuff. Tell him you haven't forgotten, you can't forget, and you aren't going. He's realised that if he left, he'd have to pull his finger out and actually fend for himself, of course he's changed his mind and is laying on a full scale charm offensive. You need to get some time away from him to think clearly about whether you want to carry on like this. Do you? Knowing he had the potential to threaten violence over a cucumber?

LilOldMe Mon 17-Aug-20 09:38:53

Ended up with him saying he was going to leave - I was glad. But after a few hours he was telling me how sorry he was

I expect he had spent those few hours realising he couldn't move out without money or a job. Idiot.

I can see why you've had enough. I can also see why he gets angry - from his point of view he probably feels disrespected in all areas of his life. He has no work to boost his esteem, he never truly embraced his "house husband" role, his D.C. take your side, and even his home-grown cucumbers aren't good enough. He's angry because he dislikes himself and worries he's not good enough, and you're the outlet for all that rage.

From your point of view, I can 100% understand why you'd be happier if he left.

icedbun5 Mon 17-Aug-20 09:43:44

You should start trying to please yourself if you are a people pleaser.

I agree with Lil that he probably realised he'd be absolutely screwed if he left. He'd have to get a job and wash his pants instead of you doing both of those things for him.

You know now that you don't want to be with him as you were pleased when he was going to end your relationship.

You don't have to be with him because he has some good points!

FrenchBoule Mon 17-Aug-20 09:52:47

He never took share of the household stuff?Not working?
Excuse my language but wtf he’s doing all day? Talking to his cucumbers in the greenhouse?

You have a prime cocklodger in your house OP.
Of course he backtracked as he has no means to move out.

Which way he contributes to the household?

Lockdownseperation Mon 17-Aug-20 09:55:55

There is no reason why you can’t end the relationship. Who would the children want to live with?

Cucumber used to trigger my gall stone attacks btw.

Bananalanacake Mon 17-Aug-20 09:57:42

I wouldn't stay with a man who had so little pride in himself he refuses to work. Can you make him leave. I hope the house is yours as you pay for it.

hammie46i Mon 17-Aug-20 12:26:39

I couldn't ever stay with someone who threatens violence; that's not normal. Please stop normalising this to yourself. How can you be safe or intimate with such a person?

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