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Is there hope?!

(54 Posts)
DumbleDorkReturns Mon 17-Aug-20 07:53:46

I was hoping some of you lovely lot here could advise please seeing as you’ve been fab with advice in the past.

Long and the short of it is:

Husband and I have been together 16 years, married 8 (got together at 17).

Used to have a great relationship but things went downhill a bit after our first child was born 3 1/2 years into the relationship (who was unplanned and arrived when we were both 20), typically more arguments, less sex, money worries that kind of thing.

Things improved gradually and we got married and were very happy. We then had a string of miscarriages with the latest being at 12 weeks which was hell. Finally we conceived our youngest (who’s now 6) and things have rapidly gone down hill since then.

We got to the point where we barely talk and when we did it was either snarkiness or full blown rows.

We had a discussion about a month ago where we discussed staying together vs separating. We talked about a lot and both ended up in tears. Both at the moment seem difficult options (staying if it stays the same will be shit but we can’t imagine not being together) but we decided we’ve been together too long to throw it away and to work on it.

Whilst there haven’t been horrific rows in that time there’s been no affection.

He seems to think that part of the problem is the lack of sex which in a way it is because when we do it we get on so much better but during the row he said he finds sex boring as it's always exactly the same routine but then refused to discuss how to improve it as he's too shy to discuss it (we've only ever been together).

I'm kind of in the mind set that work on the sex and the rest might fall into place but realistically I know the failing isn’t down to sex and it’s so much bigger than that, money, kids, delegation of domestic duties etc all come into play a lot, ie he earns 5 times what I do as I’m part time, we disagree on certain parenting strategies, I do all the housework etc which cause a lot of bickering, arguments, resentment and disagreements.

We then discussed the fun stuff over the years we laugh so much together so there still is something there.

Covid hasn't helped either as he works from home in an important role and I'm a key worker so worked all the way through. Add home educating and you've a recipe for disaster.

Has anyone else come back from something that’s almost completely broken and come out the other side?

Thank you

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DumbleDorkReturns Mon 17-Aug-20 22:24:39

No one?!

Bumping incase anyone can advise flowers

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DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 05:00:54

Can’t anyone advise at all?! I’m feeling desperately sad / worried / alone. No one to talk to in real life.

Maybe people can’t comment on my post? All other posts etc mine seem to be getting comments hmm

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SaintofBats Wed 19-Aug-20 05:05:26

What happens if you point out the fundamental inequalities damaging your relationship?

CodenameVillanelle Wed 19-Aug-20 05:14:26

I don't know why this post didn't get responses, sorry.
I would suggest relationship counselling with someone who can help talk about the things that aren't working including your sex lives. You've had a very traumatic tome with all the MCs and you need to try to reconnect as people.

However on the flip side the sunk costs fallacy won't help you and just because you've been together a long time isn't a reason not to split if that's best for you both.

Suzi888 Wed 19-Aug-20 05:15:39

@DumbleDorkReturns
Do you need the money? Do you have to work? I appreciate you may want to but if you didn’t you’d have more time to take on all the domestic /childcare duties. I know that won’t be a popular opinion on here, but just throwing it out there.
A weekend away minus the children? Google some new positions blush
Counselling?
Obviously you both seem to want to make this work, so lots of talking I guess... how are the children doing.

DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 07:47:44

@SaintofBats I've tried before and all I get is about how he works full time and earns a lot more than me so he thinks the bulk of the domestic duties should fall to me confused

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DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 07:50:06

@CodenameVillanelle we never talked about any of it either, he just went to work and pretended it never happened and if I cried he just told me not to cry in front of our son so we didn't upset him.

I can't see the wood from the trees to be honest, pluses and minuses for both staying together and splitting

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Bramble88 Wed 19-Aug-20 07:50:55

Could you do date nights? Sounds stupid but maybe some alone time might help reintroduce the spark?

IheartJKR Wed 19-Aug-20 07:54:36

I feel really sad for you that your dh has not supported you through a traumatic experience. flowers for you op.

It sounds like your dh has checked out of your marriage. Do you think he wants the marriage to end?

DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 07:54:36

@Suzi888 not working isn't an option, the only money I'd have then would be child benefit and I have all my portion of the bills to pay. He refuses to work and long and hard as he does for me to "stay at home and do bugger all" and I know he wouldn't pay everything.

I also know he wouldn't do counselling as I've asked about it before

And he point blank refuses to talk about the sex stuff, once tried to do something new but he was adamant it wouldn't work because of how much weight we've gained.

We do get the odd date night without the kids but he refuses to go away without them as he thinks it's mesh and that they are his world (as they rightly should be)

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DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 07:55:33

@Bramble88 we get the odd night out for dinner etc but he won't leave the kids to go away overnight

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MeanMrMustardSeed Wed 19-Aug-20 07:57:01

You say about working on the sex and the rest will fall into place. It is almost always the other way around. It’s v hard to be turned on by a man who you’re arguing with all the time. I’m much more likely to want sex with DH if he’s been great with the children, hung up the washing and emptied the dishwasher.

DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 07:59:57

@IheartJKR he was really unsupportive with the miscarriage at 12 weeks, I needed surgery but he couldn't get the day off work but wouldn't tell the boss why he needed it. I had to get the bus there and be alone all day. Then he went to work the day after even though I wasn't meant to be alone. I was lucky one of my lovely friends from church came to take care of me.

In terms of having checked out, I don't know. It's like we are housemates or brother and sister who live together. He's a kept man tbh as all he does is the dishes, I do everything else. He did say if we didn't have kids he wouldn't still be together with the relationship as it it

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DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 08:02:51

@MeanMrMustardSeed I've told him similar but he doesn't get it. I'm too tired from working and all the domestic stuff and would appreciate so much that he took on some of the stuff. Plus if he wasn't so stuck on doing it a certain way I'd want more too

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Suzi888 Wed 19-Aug-20 08:10:08

hmm do you love him? does he love you? Neither of you seem very happy. That bit about him saying if not for the kids you wouldn’t be together, that’s so hurtful.
Could you get away, to talk during the day if he won’t leave the kids overnight?
I’d want to know his reasons for staying with me.... other than the possibility of paying rather a lot of child maintenance.
He doesn’t seem prepared to work on your relationship.

DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 08:22:00

@Suzi888

To be honest I can't see myself splitting with him but also can't see myself staying with him. As to whether I love him, I can't say really as weve only been together. It could be a co-dependence on each other for all I know.

It hurt when it said he wouldn't be together if it wasn't together. He then said "that doesn't mean I dislike you". And I can't ever remember him telling me he loves me, it's always "I love you too". He's even made "jokes" about needing 2 emergency c sections and says that I "bottled it" in terms of natural labour. Was in labour 3 days and pushing 3 hours to put it into context hmm

he'd probably have to pay a fairly significant amount of child benefit based on his wages but I'd still be left up shit street, rent round here is ridiculous and I wouldn't be able to work my hours as a single mum and wouldn't get benefits until I'd spent all the money from the sale of the house.

The fact I've looked into this shows something doesn't it confused

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Anydreamwilldo12 Wed 19-Aug-20 08:24:57

Your husband doesn't sound like a nice man at all.

Unsupportive when you had your miscarriages to the point of making you get the bloody bus to hospital.
Uncaringly left you and went to work the day after
Tight with bus money
Feels too important to do any of the 'woman' duties
Crap at sex but too immature to talk about it to try and improve it.
Honestly OP, I don't understand why you would wan to even stay with this man who doesn't care about your well being or feelings.

Anydreamwilldo12 Wed 19-Aug-20 08:26:18

Not tight with bus money just tight with money.
The more you write the nastier he is coming across.

IheartJKR Wed 19-Aug-20 08:28:26

dumble

I think the question you need to be asking yourself is why the hell do you want to stay in a marriage with a man who treats you so badly?

You deserve so much better.

DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 08:34:19

@Anydreamwilldo12 I've tried to raise the money thing before but he says that he saves a good amount each month so we can have nice holidays and that he's not rolling in money (to put into context I work 17 hours a week on just above minimum wage - he earns almost 5 times what I do and what he saves each month is what I earn).

To be honest the bus thing to hospital was because of his work, I wasn't allowed to drive due to anaesthesia and there wasn't anyone else we could ask. A taxi would have been to expensive as it was 9 miles. But all the same, the type of work he does if he had spoken up he would have gotten immediate compassionate paid leave

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DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 08:38:18

@IheartJKR I now wonder if the problem is me?! I moan and complain about stuff which he doesn't like so then he's less likely to help and then resents me. And the sex, well he says I'm boring in bed (even though I've tried to rectify things) yet if I'm anything other than silent he tells me to be quiet so I don't wake the kids. I don't think it will kill the kids if they hear muffled noises from their mum and dads room but maybe I'm wrong

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Anydreamwilldo12 Wed 19-Aug-20 08:42:18

But he could have took you to the hospital he just didn't want to. Any decent man would move heaven and earth to support his wife at such an awful time. He's controlling Dumble and sounds quite abusive. I would have a serious think about whether you want to continue loving this shitty life.

IheartJKR Wed 19-Aug-20 08:42:24

Every post you make contains more details of terrible behaviour from your dh towards you...and you don’t seem to acknowledge it or recognise it.

Do you know that the things that your husband are saying to you and the way he is treating you is not normal and is in fact abusive??

DumbleDorkReturns Wed 19-Aug-20 08:47:07

@IheartJKR he's never been physically abusive which I am so grateful for having read posts on here. But I'd never really considered him emotionally or financially abuse until recently, just though it was his characteristics coming out more and and annoying me more as I get older and less patient

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