Husband cross about time spent with ex husband

[Gilda152]

I divorced my DD's dad around 10 years ago now, he remarried and his wife was extremely abusive and destructive to DD's relationship with her dad (she was 9 when they met) and did all in her power to destroy it and succeeded quite well. They had 3 children together and have now split for what appears to be the final time just before lockdown. Mine and exh relationship had disintegrated to nothing also. Co-parenting was impossible without being accused of having an affair etc. Despite the face that 1/ I divorced him and 2/ I am remarried happily.

Anyway our DD is about to go to uni and recently we have been able to get along cordially. My DH is mostly ok with this, although he has been stepdad to DD for 6 years and hates the way she has been treated - he conceeds that she still wants a relationship with her dad and keeps out of it fairly well naturedly. DD is keen to rebuild with her dad and him with her. She asked me to take her to her dads holiday lodge today for a visit which I did with DH's knowledge and blessing. However, when we returned he kicked off, that he had been bored all day that he doesnt know anyone else who'd be OK with their wife spending an afternoon with their ex.

The fact is, exh soon to be exw was so vile to both me and DD and worked really hard to ruin DD's time with her dad, I do bend over backwards to facilitate it now. I still have 'familial' feelings for exh as the father of my only child but I'm in no way interested in him, I just want to raise our DD in peace.

I've apologised to DH for his upset but is there anything else I should do? Was I out of order?

[SoulofanAggron]

Is it far? Could you have just dropped her off there and then fetched her later? That way it'd seem less like you were spending a Sunday afternoon with your ex. But if it's too far to practically drop her and pick her up I'd say it's understandable for you to stay with them for the afternoon. Just my opinion.

Of course, your DH shouldn'tve 'kicked off' anyway, he could've just told you how he felt in a non-aggro way.

[HotPenguin]

Your DH is being unreasonable, it isn't your job to keep him entertained 24 hours a day. I don't think you should have apologised as you haven't done anything wrong. Is he actually jealous or just annoyed that you were doing something without him? He ought to be supporting his step daughter in her wish to rebuild the relationship rather than making it difficult.

[Gilda152]

It's about a 1 hour 15 drive away and DD and I were there for just short of 3 hours before coming back.

[forumdonkey]

I would have gone with DH, dropped DD at exh and spent time with DH. Your DD is an adult and tbh IMO you didn't need to be there to facilitate a visit with her DF.

If your exh treated your DD and you so badly I can kind of see why he's a bit put out that you chose to spend your time with him.

[Gilda152]

I think he's a little jealous but not because he thinks I'm attracted to exh as I really am not. Exh is very well off and has quite a showy aspirational lifestyle (not my thing hence divorcing him) and I think it's just a man thing to feel a bit threatened by that. Also he has been an amazing stepdad to DD and has done all the hands on stuff when her dad was not really interested or prioritising her so I get why it would be disconcerting. I've tried to explain that having a cordial relationship with him is so much better for me and DD than what we had before and I believe he knows that while similtaneously feeling a bit uncomfy with it too.

[Gilda152]

forumdonkey that does make sense.

He did ask if he should come too but because he and exh dont speak or more accurately he wont speak to exh, I just thought it would make DD feel awkward as she loves them both and doesnt like being in the middle.

[HeddaGarbled]

I understand your motivation but I do think that your ex and daughter need to be developing their relationship independently of you. Why couldn’t he pick her up? It was nice of you to take her but don’t fall into the trap of being the default facilitator of their arrangements.

[Gilda152]

You're right Hedda

He was already at the destination having gone up on Friday and DD had plans so was just joining him today. I think in my eyes she is off to uni in 3 weeks so that's a natural end to my facilitating it but clearly DH is weary of it.

[WiltedWillows]

Your husband needs to grow up, jealous little man.

[Gilda152]

It's probably worth mentioning that DH doesn't have children so the co-parenting maze and all it's requisite bear traps are not something he's experienced previously.

[SandyY2K]

he had been bored all day

You're not his live in entertainment. Very childish behaviour of him.

[Gilda152]

Sandy yes that sentence did come across that way. It took me some strength not to pounce on it tbh because I am normally the one for suggesting stuff to do on a Sunday, getting out of the house etc whereas normally he'd be happy just pottering about all day doing his own thing.

I think even he probably felt a bit childish saying it as he then went off upstairs to be alone

He's a decent person, a good husband and stepdad and I don't want him to feel shit but I just also felt that I wasn't going to pander to the mood on our return...I've apologised and didn't think there was anything else I could do really. The main thing is that it appears that I've not acted terribly just a bit misguided probably.

[katy1213]

He does sound pathetic. You've spent an afternoon - not even alone - with someone who was a big part of your life. He needs to get over himself!

[Didkdt]

Your ex seems to have done very little for his relationship with his DD. Your DH from what you say has supported her and cares enough about her to be pissed off about how she was treated.
Your ex should be bending over backwards to improve the relationship not you or your daughter or your husband, but instead your DH who supported you both when your ex was too weak to rise up for his daughter is supposed to be left out whilst you three have a lovely afternoon together leaving him out of it. At the very least you could have asked him to go, acknowledged the positives he built into your daughter's family life when her father had child after child with a woman intent on destroying her relationship with her father. Instead you're focussed on how it's up to you to patch things up. It isn't, you and your DH can support your daughter in finding a new relationship with her father but to cut him out after everything he's put in seems cruel to me.

[sruitfalad]

@Didkdt

Your ex seems to have done very little for his relationship with his DD. Your DH from what you say has supported her and cares enough about her to be pissed off about how she was treated.
Your ex should be bending over backwards to improve the relationship not you or your daughter or your husband, but instead your DH who supported you both when your ex was too weak to rise up for his daughter is supposed to be left out whilst you three have a lovely afternoon together leaving him out of it. At the very least you could have asked him to go, acknowledged the positives he built into your daughter's family life when her father had child after child with a woman intent on destroying her relationship with her father. Instead you're focussed on how it's up to you to patch things up. It isn't, you and your DH can support your daughter in finding a new relationship with her father but to cut him out after everything he's put in seems cruel to me.

Brilliantly said. Your DH sounds amazing and your and your DD are very lucky to have him.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’m with the last two posters I’m afraid. It sounds highly possible that his comment about being bored is a stupid cover for his hurt at what probably feels like a big rejection of him and everything he’s done for you both while your ex gets away scott free after 9 years of shit or no parenting.

You don’t need to entertain your husband but you absolutely don’t need to be entertained by your ex in his flashy holiday lodge.

Your daughter is an adult, she’s off to live independently at uni and you’re using some of these last few weeks to feel familial feelings with her and your ex. Your husband has been a positive engaged dad to her for many years and is within his rights to feel very upset by your decisions.

I’m not sure why you’re placing all the blame for your ex’s awful parenting on his then wife. What a cop out. She might have been horrendous but he was your DD’s parent and he chose to give up on her and have a handful of new children while not bothering with her. Unless she somehow forced him to have 3 kids with her, unlikely, he carried on in a relationship with her, popping our babies, not caring about his oldest child and apparently happy for your DH to take his place and be the dad she needed and deserved. Now he’s interested again and you and DD go running and he takes no blame at all while you gather together for a cosy Sunday at his holiday pad. It’s really bizarre.

[SD1978]

Sorry- but I'm with your husband to an extent. Your ex husband chose his wife over your daughter, you had a bad relationship, and now you're jumping up to facilitate a relationship he destroyed with his daughter, and you. I would be miffed also. Your daughter absolutely should be encouraged to improve the relationship if she wishes to- but it's his job, not yours to do so. Why couldn't he drive to get her? He's the one who should be working at this- not you and his daughter.

[RoisinD]

The last three posters have summed it up. Your DH is feeling hurt at this 'new' relationship and his exclusion. Slap in the face and was good enough to be a huge part of your daughter's life for many years. The man who should have been there for her, has reappeared and has to be accommodated and your DH probably feels rejected while you all build a new relationship. Pandering to his mood is not how I would describe how he must be feeling and indicates a lack of awareness as to how hurtful your actions may be.

[LemonTT]

Your husband has feelings about this. Which he might not be processing very well but they are valid. This needs to be talked when he is feeling less raw. There’s no need to feel guilty about what you did. But he is justified in feeling excluded and concerned about this turn of events. Honestly the big issue here is whether this is a good thing for your daughter. She has been rejected by this man before.

I think some people’s responses on here show a ridiculous lack of empathy and understanding of human nature.

[AlternativePerspective]

It’s one thing to be a bit put out, it’s quite another to accuse the OP of having an affair.

At the end of the day, all these people are adults. After ten years apart they should be in the kind of place where they can actually spend time in the same space without it becoming abusive/impacting on their joint child. And anyone who thinks that the DC don’t pick up on any animosity between parents is naive, even when they’re adults.

Children don’t want their parents to be in the place where they have to ignore each other. There will be future occasions, graduations, milestone birthdays, weddings, Christenings, where these adults will be spending time as this (now adult) child’s parents. It is far better that they be able to have a cordial relationship and that that relationship can have improved before they are thrown together.

If your DH is unhappy and feeling pushed out then he should talk to you about it, not go off on one accusing you of having an affair.

[Gilda152]

Sorry just for clarity it was exh wife that was making accusations of affairs over the years not DH. DH has never accused me because he knows there is 0 attraction their but I think some are right that he felt excluded from his own family unit yesterday. Ie me and DD.

I blame both exh and his stbexw for what has happened however she has a history of being abusive in her relationships and their situation is currently with the courts - think coercive control, damaging property, trying to ruin his name etc, faking injuries (proven), withholding access to the children for both him and his family DD included. She has been cautioned for harassing DD and for criminal damage to her property when she was 10. I used to think he was weak for going back to it but I suppose I have empathy for how it feels to be trapped in an abusive situation. No matter amazing your life looks, behind closed doors and all that. I feel sorry for him and that does and has made me give concessions to him that he doesn't deserve sometimes so now he and DD are trying to piece their rl back together that feels better than what was before. It feels all positive and I've been a bit tone deaf to DH feelings I see that.

[aSofaNearYou]

I agree with the last few PPs - he'd obviously had the last few hours while you were there to stew on it. People aren't always that articulate but he has spent many years biting his tongue and putting in a lot of work - it's not really surprising he feels bitter and shit about the situation and that's probably what's going on here.

[Gilda152]

forum because it's relevant to how we got here, and I quite reasonably I think care about DD's life experience which includes her relationships with her dad and her siblings. Is that normal or am I completely bonkers🤔

[Gilda152]

asofa I do agree. We've spoken now and I did apologise and I do understand his feelings. Like most women I juggle the feelings of everyone else to try and keep everyone happy. Sometimes I mess up. I should have just gone with DH and dropped her off.