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Husband abusive and neglects our daughter?

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proudmomofone1 Sun 16-Aug-20 16:16:02

I live with my husband and 3 year old daughter. After the born of our daughter my husband changed and started to be abusive emotionally and physically. First time he hit me when our daughter was about a year old. He threw phone in my face so my nose started bleeding. My daughter witnessed it. He says it was accident. Then after that it has happened several times, he has hit me with the shoe or anything he could get hold of on that moment of anger. Most of the times my daughter has witnessed it and it has been very distressing for her saying daddy hurt mummy. Once at night he tried to hit me but our daughter was sleeping in the bed between us and he accidentally hit her instead. Few months ago I came home from work early and he had left our daughter alone in the bath while he was in the kitchen listening music with headphones on. Also few times I come home from work in the evening he hasn’t asked our daughter is she needs potty all day so she has been holding it all day until I come home. He has many times making fun of my accent as I’m not English, and he mocks and repeats everything I say for hours in broken English. Even when I’m begging and crying for him to stop he doesn’t stop.

This week there has been 2 occasions when our daughter is saying that daddy hurt her. One time I came home from work and she said to me daddy tapped my bum. He admitted it but couldn’t give any reason why he did it. The other time I was at home in the other room she played and accidentally scratched him he got angry and pushed her. She was shaking and crying came running to me. I’ve been suffering for years but I can’t let him not control his anger and hurt our daughter. I’m very stressed and lost lot of weight I go to work every day only spend all day worrying at work if our daughter is ok. He says everything is my fault and I provoke him.

Where do I start and should I report him? I have no family in UK and don't have any help with childcare.

OP’s posts: |
JorisBonson Sun 16-Aug-20 16:36:17

Contact Women's Aid.

You need to get your daughter away from this man asap.

Babdoc Sun 16-Aug-20 16:36:32

OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please call the police - they will have a domestic violence unit, who are trained to support you, and can arrest your husband.
Also call Women’s Aid - they offer support, advice, and can find you and your daughter a place in a safe refuge if you need to get away from your husband and have nowhere to go. No woman should have to suffer living with a violent abuser.

Kittykat93 Sun 16-Aug-20 16:39:50

He's hitting her op. She is 3 and completely defenceless. What are you going to do about this? You need to get out of there or her life will literally be destroyed.

fluffyjumper Sun 16-Aug-20 16:40:15

Please talk to someone. If you cant face contacting womens aid or the police then please go to your gp surgery or out of hours walk in. They will help you. You will get emotional, legal and financial support to get through this. Do you need anything that we can help you with ie numbers or places of safety?

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 16-Aug-20 16:49:16

The Women's Aid helpline is currently closed, it isn't a 24/7 service, but

0808 2000 247

is the 24hr National Domestic Abuse helpline run by Refuge. Call them now and get help for yourself and your daughter. They are trained to help women in this situation and will have help that's available for you immediately. Please don't delay doing something about this, for your daughter's sake.

1Micem0use Sun 16-Aug-20 17:03:08

He could kill your little girl

1Micem0use Sun 16-Aug-20 17:03:42

Go to the police. Dont leave her alone with him. Dont tell him you're leaving, make an excuse and get out with her.

Ugzbugz Sun 16-Aug-20 17:13:57

He is going to kill her, you or both of you, you cannot ever leave your daughter alone with him ever again, you need to leave asap before like another poster said, your child life is destroyed

allinadaystwerk Sun 16-Aug-20 17:30:25

Op it is vital that you get out of there right now! Call the police and tell them what has been going on. If I knew who you were and where you was I would be reporting it for you. Please get out you have options!

Alfiemoon1 Sun 16-Aug-20 17:38:40

Report to the police and contact woman aid

ClamDango Sun 16-Aug-20 17:44:23

Call in sick at work
Phone the police or go to the police station
Phone domestic abuse helpline
Do you have any money and paperwork you can put in a bag with some clothes for yourself and dd

proudmomofone1 Sun 16-Aug-20 17:55:18

Wow thank you all for the replies. It's more real when I read all the responses now. I was in denial it's not happening to me. I can't stop crying he is at home so I can't leave now I have to wait when I leave to work tomorrow to make some phone calls. But I probably won't be able to really work I'm just in bits.

OP’s posts: |
DishingOutDone Sun 16-Aug-20 17:58:25

whattodoforthebest2

The Women's Aid helpline is currently closed, it isn't a 24/7 service, but

0808 2000 247

is the 24hr National Domestic Abuse helpline run by Refuge. Call them now and get help for yourself and your daughter. They are trained to help women in this situation and will have help that's available for you immediately. Please don't delay doing something about this, for your daughter's sake.

Just to remind you this number was given earlier its the easiest one to get through to and I've found them amazing. Well done; You are taking steps to sort this awful situation out for your DD, you both deserve better.

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 16-Aug-20 17:59:00

Who will be looking after your DD tomorrow when you're at work?

proudmomofone1 Sun 16-Aug-20 18:01:18

My husband would be looking after her. I'm the only one who is working as he lost his job.

OP’s posts: |
ClamDango Sun 16-Aug-20 18:02:11

What sort of work do you do. Can you phone in sick. Do you live in a big place with a hospital or a police station you can go to with dd. Do you have any friends at home or at work. He cannot be trusted to be with your precious dd on his own if you go to work. Are you and dd at immediate risk, you can just ring 999 and the police will come.

proudmomofone1 Sun 16-Aug-20 18:04:29

I'm a nurse. I live in a quite a big area there is police station nearby. I'm not in any immediate danger as I try to avoid any contact with him and me and my daughter are just in bedroom getting her ready for bed.

OP’s posts: |
rainbowlou Sun 16-Aug-20 18:09:48

When you are under the same roof as an abuser you are always in immediate danger.
Please don’t leave her with him tomorrow, you know what he is capable of and you need to protect her.

thefourgp Sun 16-Aug-20 18:15:59

You’re still in denial. You are in immediate danger. You have no idea when he might snap and hurt/kill one or both of you. Pack an emergency bag in secret and take your passports/birth certificates. Get up early tomorrow before he does and go with your daughter to the nearest police station. They will help you get onto emergency accommodation.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 16-Aug-20 18:16:56

You are in more danger now because you’re planning to leave your abuser. This is when women are most dangerous. Can anyone else look after your dd while you’re at work?

Dery Sun 16-Aug-20 18:17:43

“He is going to kill her, you or both of you, you cannot ever leave your daughter alone with him ever again, you need to leave asap before like another poster said, your child life is destroyed”

This. Call Women’s Aid and/or go to the police and explain what’s going on. This is serious physical violence and the police should be able to help you get to somewhere safe.

Even leaving aside the direct violence, which is unacceptable, 3 is way too young to be left alone in the bath. Plus your partner had headphones on so wouldn’t have heard your daughter if she had got into trouble. She could easily have drowned.

And it’s incredibly damaging for her to see this man hitting you. She will grow up thinking this is normal - assuming she gets to grow up that is. We are not exaggerating when we say this is the kind of situation which ends up in the news because the mother and/or child have been killed.

Your H is probably relying on the fact that you have no family here but that doesn’t mean you have no support.

Women’s Aid and the police can help you escape. KEEP YOUR ESCAPE PLANS SECRET FROM YOUR HUSBAND. Leaving and the period after leaving are the most dangerous periods for abuse victims.

The most important thing is to get you and your daughter out safely but if you have time and can do so secretly here is a link to a list of things you might want to take with you when you leave: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965137-d1ebb2d0-ef20

Perhaps have them ready in a bag which you can grab and take with your daughter when your husband is out or asleep.

But as I said, getting you and your daughter out is the priority and you should do that ASAP, so if that’s all you can safely manage that’s all you should do. If necessary just tell your H you’re popping to the shops, take your daughter and go to the police station or even just go to the nearest supermarket and ask them to call the police. Or Boots if you have one near you: Boots is operating a scheme to help DV victims where they can use the consultation room to call the police/Women’s Aid etc.

PS your English is excellent - no-one will have any trouble understanding what’s going on.

frazzledmomof3 Sun 16-Aug-20 18:20:26

Say do you fancy a take away. Say you wil collect it. Put baby in buggy and get both of ye down to the police station.

This is a very dangerous situation.

LovingLola Sun 16-Aug-20 18:21:42

She is in danger when she is with him. You cannot leave her with him tomorrow.

ClamDango Sun 16-Aug-20 18:22:25

Phone in sick, pretend to him your shift has been changed. You can call the ward and tell the nurse in charge to call you back straight away. Tell them you and dd are being abused and need help. They can call the police for you.

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