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I have the “ick” am I being unreasonable?

(28 Posts)
Delilahrose28 Sun 16-Aug-20 15:35:39

Me and my partner were together from 2012-2016, broke up and went our own separate ways and rekindled our relationship this year. ( we have a 7 year old son together). It’s been great, no problems what so ever and I felt deeply in love with him, even more than before. Then it came out that he had sex with his best friends girlfriend about 3 weeks ago, now it was when he wasn’t with me so it’s technically none of my business but I just can’t seem to let go of the fact he has done this. It’s made me see him in a different light, as someone who is untrustworthy, selfish and disloyal. I’m trying hard not to make this an issue between us but something has shifted/changed and I’ve now got the “ick” with him. I suppose the real question is do you think I could/should move past this ?

Thanks and sorry for my terrible grammar and punctuation 😂

OP’s posts: |
takeanotherchillpill Sun 16-Aug-20 15:39:00

I'm confused with the timing.... Have you only got back with him in the last 20 days?

Delilahrose28 Sun 16-Aug-20 15:40:22

Sorry, no we got back together July last year, but it only came out he had sex with his best friends girlfriend 3 weeks ago.

OP’s posts: |
IsaLain Sun 16-Aug-20 15:41:21

You got back together this year and you have fallen even deeper in love with him than before... but you werent together 3 weeks ago? So y9uve rekindled the relationship and fallen deeply in love within 3 week? And he was sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend a day or 2 before you rekindled the great love?

If that's what happened, and you 2 had nothing going on 3 weeks ago, then he hasn't done anything directly to you but he is a cheat. He has betrayed someone he should protect (his best friend) which shows a character I wouldn't want to be involved with. I would have to have a serious think.

If you 2 were growing closer over the last few months, and he has slept with her even though you hasn't officially got back together, I would feel betrayed and again, would need to have a serious think.

Delilahrose28 Sun 16-Aug-20 15:42:17

We got back together 2019, he slept with her in 2018, 3 weeks ago everybody found out. Sorry I’m bloody useless at writing stuff out.

OP’s posts: |
IsaLain Sun 16-Aug-20 15:42:19

Sorry. Cross posted. Your first post really didnt make that clear.

Ignore my previous post.

BlueSlice Sun 16-Aug-20 15:42:54

You found this out three weeks ago or it happened three weeks ago?

BlueSlice Sun 16-Aug-20 15:43:06

Xpost

Delilahrose28 Sun 16-Aug-20 15:45:07

Found out 3 weeks ago, I’m sorry I’ve confused everyone

OP’s posts: |
BacklashStarts Sun 16-Aug-20 15:46:58

So he slept with his friends girlfriend ie she cheated on her boyfriend with him?

I’m on the fence. He didn’t cheat, she did. But it’s weird as hell. Was it one of those one time things which they both regret or a long term affair?

SleepingStandingUp Sun 16-Aug-20 15:47:13

Honestly i think is try and work past it.
How did everyone finds out? How has he acted? Did you agree to divulge all your sexual partners? Did he use protection?

MulticolourMophead Sun 16-Aug-20 15:47:35

I think your ick is understandable.

Him having sex with someone while you were apart isn't the issue for me, but him helping his friend's girlfriend to cheat on the friend is the issue. Shows him in a very different light, really. He must have been lying to his friend's face, and if he's capable of that, it means he could do it to you.

So yes, have a think about whether you can get past it, and don't feel guilty if you can't.

IsaLain Sun 16-Aug-20 15:48:50

@BacklashStarts

He didnt cheat on a romantic relationship, but he betrayed a platonic friendship with his "best" platonic friend. That doeant really show a good type of moral character. The OP isnt wrong to judge him on that betrayal.

Sakurami Sun 16-Aug-20 15:49:13

I wouldn't be able to have feelings for someone who would sleep with his best friend's girlfriend either. What were the circumstances? Why did he do it?

category12 Sun 16-Aug-20 15:52:44

Well, you could wait and see if the Ick passes - it's only been a couple of weeks since you've found out.

But if he did that to his best friend (assuming they were together at the time) it's pretty nasty.

Antibles Sun 16-Aug-20 15:53:03

Someone who shags their best friend's girlfriend sounds untrustworthy and disloyal as you say and natually makes you wonder how loyal they would be to you. I suspect the 'ick' will make the decision for you as it's quite physical and not very amenable to disappearing even if you want it to.

TwilightPeace Sun 16-Aug-20 15:54:17

He slept with his best friends girlfriend while they were in a relationship? No, I couldn’t see past that.
It shows low morals on his part, where was his loyalty to his best friend?

bakedoff Sun 16-Aug-20 16:06:19

He slept with his best mates GF? How did you not know until now? I don’t understand. Surely it would be obvious that he’s not mates with his best mate when you got back together? Didn’t you ask him who he’d slept with when you’d been apart? This raises all sorts of issues/questions! Was it a one time thing that they both regretted or a hot affair. One shag whilst pissed and single isn’t great but different to him actively pursuing her whilst sober. More details needed for a judgement!

BacklashStarts Sun 16-Aug-20 18:38:22

@IsaLain dunno why you aimed that at me, I didn’t criticise or disagree with the OP. But the post is unclear and I am on the fence until she clarifies what happened.

IsaLain Sun 16-Aug-20 18:43:02

@BacklashStarts

Because you said he didnt cheat, like that's ok then. He isnt a cheater. But I think, as evidenced by this thread, most people would consider someone who betrays their supposed best friend like this to have the same moral character as a cheater. So its perfectly OK for the OP to feel uneasy about being with him as he has shown his true colours.

TatianaBis Sun 16-Aug-20 18:44:19

If you’ve got the ick you’ve got the ick.

I’m not sure ick can be reasoned with.

Ooodlesanddoodles Sun 16-Aug-20 18:49:30

I'd have the ick too, but I also think its good that he told you.

What's his best friend's girlfriend like?

My husband slept with his best friend's girlfriend before he met me. He told me quite early on. I thought it was odd and I felt like I couldn't trust him for a while,but the feelings soon faded and I was pleased he had told me.

I think I can trust my DH deep down, he wouldn't do it again. He still feels awful about it.

It depends how remorseful he is and whether you can trust him fully I think

dazzlinghaze Sun 16-Aug-20 19:09:54

I'm not surprised you've got the ick! He's massively betrayed someone close to him, I'd be seriously questioning what kind of man he is.

Delilahrose28 Sun 16-Aug-20 21:01:15

Obviously it’s absolutely fine he slept with other people while we were apart, that’s not my issue.
He got found out because another friend told his best friend so it’s been a secret for 2 years and wouldn’t have came out if it wasn’t for the other friend spilling the beans.
It was a one night drunken thing so no feelings involved per se (which feels almost worse for me because he betrayed a friend just for a quick shag).
I’m conflicted because it is everything I hate in a person. Morals are a massive thing for me and I would usually say my partner matches mine. We never ever had fidelity issues and I trust him not to cheat on me, I just can’t get my head around the fact he would do that to his best friend ! It’s just not in me to do that to someone so it putting a bad taste in my mouth.

OP’s posts: |
user1481840227 Sun 16-Aug-20 21:27:32

I definitely wouldn't trust anyone like that who would betray their best friend for a quick shag.
My friends boyfriends best friend has tried to come on to her before and I think it just makes him such a scummy person.
With friends like that who needs enemies!

I think it really says a lot about your partner!

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