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How to end 8 year relationship?

(20 Posts)
sunstay Sun 16-Aug-20 11:11:52

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years and we are both 22 so have been together since we were 14 years old.

I have realised that we have grown apart and I have started feeling trapped in the relationship, I'm only 22 and have my whole life ahead of me I don't want to spend it with someone that I don't fully want to be with anymore.

He's done absolutely nothing wrong and absolutely adores me, I know he will be absolutely devastated if I end the relationship which is really scaring me. I really don't think I could live with the guilt of upsetting him!

I'm just looking on advice what to do, I feel suffocated and trapped in this relationship and feel as though I would be happier being single. Does anyone have any experience on this topic or advice on what I should do sad

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funnylittlefloozie Sun 16-Aug-20 11:23:09

I am not surprised you've outgrown him. I didnt even have the same friends at 22 as I did at 14, never mind a boyfriend!

You've had 8 good years together, but now you've outgrown him. You're both far too young to settle, so just say to him, you want to end the relationship. Yes, he'll be gutted, but he'll get over it and so will you.

LilyWater Sun 16-Aug-20 11:25:18

OP, it's hard but you need to do what's right for you as the relationship has to work for both of you in order to continue (just be kind, honest but firm with him so he doesn't hold onto any hope of getting back together). No one wants to be with someone who would rather not be with them so it's not fair on them either. If the roles were reversed and your boyfriend felt the same, he'd end it too so dont feel guilty at all. While your boyfriend will understandably be surprised/sad at first, men have a penchant for moving on quickly so before you know it he will be with someone else in time smile

sunstay Sun 16-Aug-20 12:10:52

@funnylittlefloozie yes I do agree, 14 is extremely young to find the person that you want to be with forever I think. And 22 is too young to settle with someone for the sake of it! I know I need to end it it's just so hard I hate the thought of upsetting him sad

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sunstay Sun 16-Aug-20 12:12:04

@LilyWater that's very true, I never thought of it being the other way around! He would definitely
end it if he felt like this. It makes it harder that he is extremely happy and wants to be with me forever, it would make it easier for me if he felt the same!

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Branleuse Sun 16-Aug-20 12:13:42

There is going to be no easy way of doing it and it will hurt you as much as him, but I think youll just have to tell him that you need a difficult talk, and you never wanted to hurt him, but you feel like youre at a different stage of life now

Dery Sun 16-Aug-20 12:41:00

“There is going to be no easy way of doing it ... but I think youll just have to tell him that you need a difficult talk, and you never wanted to hurt him, but you feel like youre at a different stage of life now”

This. It is very natural that you should want to move on, even though he is lovely. A few couples do get together at a very young age and remain very contented and committed for life but that is rare.

Spend some time single. Your 20s are really the decade when you should be off adventuring, starting to work out what you want from life, learning to support yourself and making your first home and it’s so much easier to do all those things if you are single for at least some of that time.

And he will get over the heartbreak. He will be very sad at first and it will take time but he will be fine. As someone posted recently - if people didn’t recover from romantic heartbreak, the whole world would permanently be grieving.

And actually the experience of going through romantic heartbreak and coming out the other side is a gift. A really fabulous woman I know - now late 30s - was saying the other day that she had never allowed herself to fall in love because she was so afraid of being hurt. Think of how much she has missed. Think how much better it would have been for her if she had her heart broken at an earlier stage, worked through the pain and in time discovered that she was able to feel happy again and some time after that go on to another relationship.

Good luck, OP. Onwards and upwards.

sunstay Mon 17-Aug-20 09:56:37

@Dery thank you for that lovely comment smile you are definitely right, I know that I shouldn't feel bad about wanting to end the relationship and that it's normal to outgrow eachother if you've been together from a young age but I can't help but feel like the worst person in the world! I need to build up the courage to do it but I'm finding it so difficult!

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Branleuse Mon 17-Aug-20 10:26:50

I remember splitting up with my first long term boyfriend at 19 and i swear it was just as painful for me to do that as it was to be dumped.
It isnt a failing. Sometimes the train just gets to the end of those tracks and theres nowhere left to go for that one. Someones got to do it. Just please dont jump into the next one too soon. This is a valuable opportunity to get to know yourself

sunstay Mon 17-Aug-20 11:24:15

@Branleuse I can imagine, I think I'd rather be split up with than be the one to end it, the thought of upsetting him actually breaks my heart the guilt is too much! I definitely won't be getting in to another relationship for a very long time, I just enjoy being by myself and want to experience being by myself and going out with my friends every weekend without having anybody to answer to

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Branleuse Mon 17-Aug-20 11:48:19

thats why so many people just start acting like dicks in relationships to make the other one dump them, so they dont have to do it.

updownroundandround Mon 17-Aug-20 15:38:51

There is no doubt that you have to end the relationship. Feeling trapped will only get more and more intense, leading to more and more unhappiness.

Unfortunately, there is no way to tell him it's over without hurting him. But it would ultimately hurt him more if you delay breaking up and string him on for another year or two. No one would like to hear that their partner actually stopped loving them 2 years ago and only stayed out of pity.

You have NOTHING to gain from delaying the split, and neither does he.

I've no doubt that you'll tell him as gently as you can, but it'll probably still be a shock for him. I'd suggest organising somewhere else to stay for a while, as living together while separating will just make it harder for you both. Try and make a clean break, as old habits die hard.

Good luck x

sunstay Mon 17-Aug-20 16:03:38

@updownroundandround thank you for commenting, what you've said is very helpful and it's true that if I don't break up with him I feel like I'll start to resent him. Luckily we don't live together as I've just finished uni so haven't been in a position to move out of my parents house yet so that does make it ever so slightly easier x

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NotaCoolMum Mon 17-Aug-20 16:07:47

Don’t se yourself on fire to keep someone else warm @sunstay.... don’t ever stay with someone just to keep the happy if you’re miserable. Good luck xx

NotaCoolMum Mon 17-Aug-20 16:08:00


updownroundandround Mon 17-Aug-20 16:23:31

@ sunstay

I think it will be easier to manage the inevitable emotional fallout from ending the relationship when you're not living together. But obviously it'll still be upsetting and painful to do.

I actually think you may surprise yourself with how you feel afterwards.

When I told my 1st husband the relationship was over ( after wrestling with the decision for a long time), my overriding emotion was actually relief.
I'd carried the worry and stress of my unhappiness for so long, that it was a massive relief and literally a huge weight off my shoulders when I finally told him.

I know you've made the right decision for both yourself and your partner, and I hope you can be free of the worry and stress you've been feeling as you've come to your decision.

Your life has barely begun, it's time you started to enjoy being young free and single, as the phrase goes.

Aussiebean Mon 17-Aug-20 16:37:27

Don’t fee guilty for ending it.

You should feel guilty about NOT ending it and stopping him from meeting someone more suited, just because you don’t want a difficult conversation. That is a reason to feel bad.

But that is not what you are doing. Feel sad yes, but not guilty.

sunstay Mon 17-Aug-20 22:41:37

@NotaCoolMum thank you so much, I needed to hear that. I'm putting his happiness before mine which I know I shouldn't do. It's so bloody hard xx

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sunstay Mon 17-Aug-20 22:43:31

@updownroundandround I feel like your right there, I honestly think that I will feel like a weight has been lifted. Although I love him so much, I know that I will feel free if I end it. I just hope that he can be happy because seeing him upset and hurt is the worst thing ever x

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sunstay Mon 17-Aug-20 22:45:15

@Aussiebean thank you, I know I shouldn't feel guilty because I can't help how I feel. I'm being cruel for feeling this way and not saying anything, I'm finding it so difficult to get the courage to actually have the conversation, seeing his face I just can't do it sad

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