Husband does not respect me

(99 Posts)
screamingchild Sat 15-Aug-20 21:00:23

How do i stand up for myself in a marriage where I am made to feel like a child? Rules to follow, apologies to make, explanations to give. I have to check things are to his liking, my tastes are belittled or ignored, and I get told off in front of our children. It's usually minor stuff, but by the end of the day, it's accumulated into me feeling useless. DH says it's in my head. I see my married friends talk to each other with respect and friendship. I don't feel like we have these things. Even just writing this he has moaned at me for leaving a pile of hair in the shower that I cleared out of the plug this morning. Surely he could have just reminded me it was there instead of insulting me as he walked passed. I feel so alone. We've been together for 18 years.

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Iooselipssinkships Sat 15-Aug-20 21:02:45

You stand up for yourself by leaving the abusive arsehole.

madcatladyforever Sat 15-Aug-20 21:06:01


bakedoff Sat 15-Aug-20 22:13:19

If he’s talking to you like a child then it’s time to go. Don’t let him infantilise you. You are better than this

screamingchild Sun 16-Aug-20 19:48:58

Thank you for your messages. He is mostly nice but then will switch. I made a comment about the news earlier which led to DH putting on his patronising 'you are thick' voice. I told him to stop and that he can disagree with me, but don't speak to me like I'm a child. He then told me to piss off and fuck off and I'm a bitch. He said he was trying to have a normal conversation with me and that can't he just speak normally to me. I said that I snapped at him to stop because he'd put his patronising voice on and was about to give me a lecture about how what I had said about the news was incorrect.
I ignored him as he continued with his name calling whilst I washed up and he eventually stopped and served up dinner and called the kids in. We then carried on as normal.
Do other people get told to piss off? Does your DH call you a bitch or worse?
He'll have these outbursts and say it's because I'm being abnormal and can't hold a proper conversation. I don't think that's true as I have lots of friends who say I'm bubbly and friendly.
He won't know why I'm feeling off with him this evening and not in the mood for sex. His words 'fuck off' and 'you're a bitch' are in my head. I don't call him names although I probably do annoy/nag him.

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MyOwnSummer Sun 16-Aug-20 19:54:36

Respect is a fundamental component of love. You may as well have a "house" with no walls. Not much of a house is it?

nicky7654 Sun 16-Aug-20 19:55:46

My Husband would never belittle me thankfully. But I am quite assertive and won't put up with it anyway. Don't stay quiet when he talks down to you, stand up straight, look him in the eyes and tell him to f##k off until he shows you respect!


mbosnz Sun 16-Aug-20 19:57:27

If you told him to 'fuck off', and called him a bastard, while patronisingly critiquing how he's not done things to your satisfaction, would he find this acceptable? Would he be wanting to satisfying your sexual wants?

screamingchild Sun 16-Aug-20 19:59:03

I carried on washing up so I didn't have to look at him whilst he was being horrible. Trying to ignore it. I think you're right - it would have been different if I'd have stood facing him and looking him in the eye as he said it. I will try this next time. So good to have some outsider view points x

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bakedoff Sun 16-Aug-20 20:04:53

Name calling is not acceptable. You do not have to put up with this. He called you a bitch because you disagreed with him and told him to stop patronising you. You deserve better than this. This is not a normal or ok marriage. Don’t sleep with him. This is not ok.

Lolapusht Sun 16-Aug-20 20:17:15

When he’s trying to have a “normal” conversation with you (in his words), is he actually discussing what was initially brought up? Is he repeatedly bringing the conversation back to what you were discussing or is he actually berating you for not being able to discuss anything in a reasonable way? If it’s the latter then you are not the problem. You are not the unreasonable one. The reason he can’t possibly have a conversation with you is because you step out of line and aren’t following his rules and that is not tolerable. I don’t think you’re the problem.

screamingchild Sun 16-Aug-20 20:33:37

He used it as an opportunity to remind me how I can't hold a 'normal' conversation. Probably because I'm constantly having to explain myself and get defensive because he doesn't respect my opinion or taste.
He just asked me if I've replied to a friends message about meeting up. I said I had and they were getting back to me with dates. He then said 'are you sure you're not being weird and off with them like you usually are with our friends?' Again, another opportunity to have a go at me and make me feel like poo.

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SoulofanAggron Sun 16-Aug-20 20:35:13

Do other people get told to piss off? Does your DH call you a bitch or worse?

No. What he's doing is verbal and emotional abuse. Please find a way to leave or get him out. xx

PurpleDaisies Sun 16-Aug-20 20:35:55

Has he always been like this?

hotblacktea Sun 16-Aug-20 20:41:10

I don't know if he was nicer when you met him but he's shown his true colors, don't spend more of your life with this abusing arsehole

screamingchild Sun 16-Aug-20 20:41:51

No, we only started to experience problems when our second child was born 4.5 years ago and I became a SAHM. He is really nice most of the time but will put me down at least 3 times a day which accumulates in my head.
He is quite controlling. I do try to point out to him when he is being controlling. Last night he told me he didn't like my voice when I got cross with the kids and also that I need to practise saying DS's name - wtf? I can't leave or anything that drastic but need to learn ways to stand up for myself and stop this belittling behaviour

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Buttonnose45 Sun 16-Aug-20 20:42:11

I could've written this exact post! My ex husband was just like this. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. I've gained self respect, confidence and won't put up with any disrespect.

screamingchild Sun 16-Aug-20 20:43:04

He's not an arsehole though. He's a great Dad. Just wish he listened to me and respected my value and opinions.

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Vodkacranberryplease Sun 16-Aug-20 20:45:59

Oh for gods sake. What a prick. I would be going postal over this - that shit about 'are you sure you aren't doing what you normally do' crap. Next time he does it stand up, face him, look him straight in the eyes and say (very loudly, with force) 'how dare you speak to me like that! Who the hell do you think you are? Apologise or get out of my sight RIGHT NOW'.

DONT BACK DOWN. Get coldly angry - not crying or hysterical. But angry.

PurpleDaisies Sun 16-Aug-20 20:47:42

Great dads don’t treat their wives like this. I’m guessing he does it in front in of your children?

Vodkacranberryplease Sun 16-Aug-20 20:48:26

He e we not listen or respect your opinions until you stop acting like a meek little doormat. Your choice. Currently there are no consequences and you cave in. So next time either go out and leave him to do the kids, or cook for everyone but him, or just do something. And you need to start taking him to pieces EVERY time too.

Vodkacranberryplease Sun 16-Aug-20 20:50:02

He's not a great dad. He treats the mother of his children like shit in front of them. He treats you with contempt. He is damaging them beyond belief - they will grown up thinking it's ok. It's actually child abuse.

Bluntness100 Sun 16-Aug-20 20:53:10

I think your view is a bit warped. Great dads don’t call their kids mother a bitch, belittle them tell them to piss off etc.

To be honest when I first started reading this if my husband had left a pile of hair out the shower drain in there I’d have kicked off, because quite frankly that’s disgusting. But as you went on to give your examples it does seem this is much bigger and you’re right he doesn’t respect you.

Can get a job, get back to work? It’s interesting this lack of respect started when you gave up work.

everythingbackbutyou Sun 16-Aug-20 20:54:32

Believe me - it's not you, it's him. I second what @Buttonnose45 said. I have learnt a lot on MN thanks to the people on this board specifically.

1. Great dads do not belittle and verbally abuse the mother of their children, especially not in front of them
2.He will know exactly why you are off with him this evening but doesn't give a shit and wishes you would get over it already because he deserves some sex
3. Someone who is really nice does not put you down ever, let alone 3 times a day

I am angry for you because I was in your position, until after I had youngest dd I was all out of excuses and was ready to face up to what I had to do. I will never regret it.

Vodkacranberryplease Sun 16-Aug-20 20:54:40

He is really nice most of the time but will put me down at least 3 times a day which accumulates in my head.

Putting you down 3 times a day is NOT 'really nice most of the time'. 3 times a month would be too much but every day?

Let me guess, he's controlling with money too. Doesn't like you going out, doesn't like your friends or you having friends. You are very busy doing all the many things he's decided you should do every day but he has expensive and/or time consuming hobbies, nice clothes. But you can't remember the last time you bought something for yourself.

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