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Separate lives. How to be together?

(14 Posts)
peppermintteadrinker Sat 15-Aug-20 19:34:24

I'm in the tentative stages of perhaps reconciling with ex who I was with for 18 months. We are late 40s and early fifties. Both have a child each. Both have work and exes and contact arrangements. Live an hour apart.

One of the main things I realise that split us up was not being able to see what our relationship could look like. More for him but I realise now that perhaps it was an issue for me too but came out differently.

He struggles with wanting to see me more. I can't see him moving and I wouldn't think it right to uproot my son away from his dad either. So I think if we do try again, this won't go away. I also can't necessarily imagine living together. As he's pointed out, we are very different in our households. Maybe when kids are grown but that's 10 years away.

Has anyone happily worked out an apart/together arrangement? Want to be able to picture how it could be in a positive way. I'm feeling worried tonight that if we reconcile then I'm just going to end up trying to get over him yet again and it's been such a hard journey to this point.

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category12 Sat 15-Aug-20 19:38:47

Well, you have to be really honest with each other about what it would look like and whether it would be enough for you. There's nothing wrong in a live-apart relationship, but if either of you aren't on board with it, it won't work.

What other reasons were there to break you up? What has changed to make them now tolerable?

I have a boyfriend I do not live with and we have no intention of doing so, but frankly I'm terrified of living with a man again, so it suits me perfectly. grin

category12 Sat 15-Aug-20 19:40:34

In normal times, we see each other usually once or twice a week (we live about same distance away as you two do). We have the dating and fun sex and we're in contact a lot while apart.

peppermintteadrinker Sat 15-Aug-20 19:56:48

@category12 well honestly, I didn't really know what went wrong until the last couple of weeks. He just backed off. There are communication issues in that he runs away from any perceived confrontation but there's never an argument and I'm a good listener, which he knows. A lot of whether this might work will be from whether he can work out what he wants.

I think I was more happy where we were without analysing it too much or looking too far ahead.

I'm having a bit of a wobble tonight worrying about getting back into it. I've massively had my heart broken and it's going to take work to rebuild trust and connection.

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category12 Sat 15-Aug-20 20:01:03

I'd be doubtful that's going to work then - you don't really know what went wrong, his communication is bad, he doesn't know what he wants, he's skippy and evasive.

Really bad start.

Wouldn't you be better dating someone who hasn't already broken your heart once?

peppermintteadrinker Sat 15-Aug-20 20:06:03

sad you may well be correct. I love him v much. Found it so hard to let go and then to know that he does still have feelings for me and then walk away anyway.... Its just really hard

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GlitteriestFluff Sat 15-Aug-20 20:10:08

I agree with @category12, He has shown you how he responds when the going gets a bit tough.

This is not a man who has clear honest solutions oriented communication when things go wrong. He wanted to see you more, but wouldn't move - that basically says you MUST move.

Nope. Leave this ended.

category12 Sat 15-Aug-20 20:10:44

Trying to be with someone who "doesn't know what they want" is a recipe for misery and insecurity.

With my bf, I feel secure in his feelings for me and consistency - it's like balm to my soul (after my marriage).

I honestly wouldn't recommend going back to someone who you don't/can't have that with.

SaltKatten Sat 15-Aug-20 20:11:28

But he walked away from you. I totally get that you love him but I agree with PP... he’s already broken your heart once. You deserve to be treated better.

GlitteriestFluff Sat 15-Aug-20 20:12:59

Remember, his feeling for you only extend so far as it doesn't inconvenience him to meet his own needs for contact.

You have very good reasons to not move due to your son. Him? Nope.

Never let a man come before your child, however they try to paint it.

peppermintteadrinker Sat 15-Aug-20 20:22:48

To be clear, he didn't ask me to move. It's just my assessment of things. Imo we weren't at that stage but he was I suppose thinking about how different we are and that it was difficult seeing each other in a way he would like.

I don't want the relationship we had. If we're going to try, there have to be changes and I think clarity would be a good thing. But that's probably what is worrying me. That I won't get it, even though we've talked a lot and tried in the last couple weeks to really talk properly.

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peppermintteadrinker Sat 15-Aug-20 20:24:24

@GlitteriestFluff I would never let a man come before my child no. I agree. I haven't and won't.

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Blakes77 Sat 15-Aug-20 20:36:22

First thing I would say is that an hour apart, as adults, is bugger all. If it's the right relationship that's not a huge obstacle.
Secondly, most adults know that the older we get, the more complicated our lives can be-kids, jobs, exes-and the man you need to be with would get that you CAN'T have the kind of set up (yet) that you can have when you are younger and free-er.
The right man would be able to be flexible enough that he can envisage a less conventional type of arrangement, and actually, for most middle aged women, an unconventional set up where you don't live with a man can be much better!
Lastly, I'm sorry to say, but I have learned the the hard way, if a man isn't throwing open his arms and embracing you and everything you have to offer, if he isn't willing to walk through fire for you, let alone drive an hour, then he doesn't love you enough. He might well be fond of you, he might like you, but he doesn't love you as much as you need him to.
Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

peppermintteadrinker Sat 15-Aug-20 20:48:05

@Blakes77 it's nothing I haven't told myself before. Might be what I need to hear even if I don't want to. I was I suppose hoping or considering that we can work on this. But I probably need more from him than I've got at the moment. It's just whether to try and see I get it or not.

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