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At what point do we throw in the towel?

(14 Posts)
Yawnyprawn Sat 15-Aug-20 15:40:16

I’m having a lot of trouble figuring out whether I need to leave my marriage (5 years, 1 DC 3).

Relationship really went downhill when I was pregnant, I had prenatal depression, whilst I was unwell with this he revealed that he thought he was a sex addict then booked (but didn’t attend) appointment with escort of some sort. Big regret, very sorry, lots of crying, forgave him and did my best to get over it. Baby arrived and he just wasn’t prepared, struggled with me not being available and needing his support, but we muddled through, both had therapy and I thought we’d got past it. By the beginning of this year things were really good and we were thinking of trying for dc2.

Long story short, he revealed to me recently that whilst dc was a baby he had a bunch of interactions with cam girls and then when she was 1 he booked (but again says he didn’t go to) more escort appointments.

He has frequent bouts of depression and anxiety that leave him unable to function for days at a time. Is on medication for this but it’s still happening.

I feel like since his latest revelation I’ve been through every emotion but what I’m feeling more and more is that I just cannot be arsed with the relationship any more. I don’t feel massively compassionate towards him even when he’s unwell - in fact I just feel irritated. But also I don’t hate him. We could be friends. I just don’t really want to fight for our relationship any more. should I though? If we get along ok? Does anyone come back from this?

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Yawnyprawn Sat 15-Aug-20 15:42:25

Sorry just so as not to drip feed - we are having relationship counselling, it’s been a mixed bag, some good sessions and some not so good.

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Aquamarine1029 Sat 15-Aug-20 15:43:15

I would be out the door and down the hall. Is this really what you want for years to come/the rest of your life? You can't even trust or depend on this man. Just end it.

Ohwhatbliss Sat 15-Aug-20 15:45:54

This point. Here's where you throw the towel in

Dozer Sat 15-Aug-20 15:47:01

YOU should’ve dumped him ages ago! Would leave now.

rvby Sat 15-Aug-20 15:47:04

Sorry op. Shit situation. My heart goes out to you.

Regarding your relationship, I think the key question for me would be, what is keeping you from giving up today? What is holding you back and causing you to try to turn it around?

For me personally, once I can't be arsed anymore, I just can't. In your shoes I would continue the counselling for a couple of months, see if the feelings change, and if not I'd repurpose counselling to begin sorting out a coparenting relationship.

There is something to be said for throwing in the towel before you actively hate him.

There are no right answers op. For what its worth, his actual transgressions sound really depressing and pathetic, in a way that would change the way I saw my partner. I don't blame you for losing the will to save it. Xx

00100001 Sat 15-Aug-20 15:50:43

End it

category12 Sat 15-Aug-20 15:55:15

I knew when I no longer wanted to "fight for it" that we were done. I just didn't have it in me anymore.

You've tried really hard already. There's more to life than pouring all your energy into a leaky bucket of a man for years and years. He's cheated on you multiple times and nothing's changed - life just holds more of the same if you stay with him.

Yawnyprawn Sat 15-Aug-20 16:43:22

Thanks for your feedback all, especially @rvby for your insightful thoughts flowers

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Wondersense Sat 15-Aug-20 17:36:25

When your partner has actively engaged with sex workers or prostitutes.....I think it's difficult to come back from that. He clearly feels deeply unfulfilled and that's what he does when he feels unfulfilled. The cam girl thing is bad.....but prostitute appointments too?

I think this relationship is very hard work for you. When you love someone you are willing to support them, but ask yourself if you are willing to support his depression and anxiety on top of having children? Especially with this disclosure. Can't you call it a day but remain friends? What would he think of that?

Yawnyprawn Sat 15-Aug-20 18:27:22

Thanks @Wondersense, you’ve hit the nail on the head. It is a lot of work and there are other things I could pour my energy into. I think we’re both coming round to the idea that an amicable (as possible) breakup probably what’s going to happen. So sad about it all, but there it is. Don’t want to put myself or our child through a lifetime of this.

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CokeEnStock Sat 15-Aug-20 18:45:47

Leave him! When I had a baby my dh pulled his weight looking after his child and didn't go looking for sex elsewhere. This is not normal by any standards.

Needtogetbackinthesack Sat 15-Aug-20 19:05:53

My ex did similar and blamed it on all sorts of emotions. Not sure if he actually cheated but def used cam girls. I got to the point where I didn't care about him, and got past the point of hating him. It made leaving him fairly easy - I've been gone a year and I've never once cried about him since leaving, never once missed him or questioned my decision. If I'd left sooner I think I'd have always wondered but the point of complete ambiguity is a convenient place to call it a day. Good luck!

Yawnyprawn Sat 15-Aug-20 21:19:02

Thanks @Needtogetbackinthesack, it’s good to have your perspective as someone who’s already left. Glad it’s working out for you!

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